Sorceress' Wisdom

The more you lavish
slavish attention
on him
While I shun 
him
in deep Silence,
the more he becomes
more mine
than 
yours.

S.O.S.

Help!
I am in danger
of falling
into his arms
if you
don't catch me now.

In another life

In another life
more than three years ago
I would have chafed at the thought
that I could not speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.

In this life
now, with you
It matters to me more
that I not hurt you
intentionally, or worse--
unintentionally--
when I speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.

There is no fun in it anymore.

Loss of "freedom"?
Or growing depth in true loving?

In another life
the answer would have been
quick and glib.

It is not so anymore.

morning rush, morning ritual, random morning thoughts

i woke up to a cold, rainy morning thinking it was only 6am, to find out soon  after checking my cellphone clock that it was already 6:59am!

out i jumped from the bed, waking up Polo who was still snuggled in his comforter beside me, and then going to the girls' room and announcing the Time.  it was a flurry of activities after then.

Thea went for her shower, while i asked the household help to transfer Polo's lunch into a neutral-colored Tupperware container as she put it in Bea's old pink (!) lunch box as i checked on Polo's and Bea's bags and their assignment notebooks which we failed to work on last night coming home late and tired from having to wait for Polo finish his soccer practice, then called out Polo's and Bea's names over and over again as i did Polo's Social Studies and English assignments while i instructed the household help next to bring Polo's and Bea's uniforms to them and wake them up for real.

we left the house by 7:30am and i got them in school by 7:50am, 5 minutes late.

sigh.

at 8am, i come home to a quiet house at last, turned on the pc to prepare it for later, put on Bach on the music player, and sat with myself as i ate my breakfast of rice, sunnyside ups, salted fish (tabagak) and corned beef, finishing it off with a banana and hot chocolate.  but not before i talked with the help on which kitchen stock needs replenishing and discussed lunch and dinner to prepare for today.

as i sat there eating, i thought of the things i had to do for today--resume checking my Econ. classes' papers, go back to the beauty parlor i went to yesterday to have them retouch 3 of my manicured fingernails, buy the kitchen stock needed at home, then go to the office by 3pm so Bea can use the laptop when her schoolday ends and while we wait for her two other siblings end their schoolday, review the thesis paper i will panel for by 430pm, panel at 430pm, then bring everyone home by early evening and catch up with Polo and Bea on their homeworks.

i also had this stray thought-- there goes a day in the life of a 41-year-old single mom who lived in the year 2009, who managed not to let the morning rush stress get to her or else, she would have driven her and her children off to a morning car accident (!).

that thought was followed by another on a completely different track-- how Polo cried and threw a stomping tantrum last night when Thea just announced to no one in particular that she's watching "The Proposal" on dvd again and simply plopped down and changed the tv channel to video mode, when Polo and Bea have been watching a show on cable already.

for a while, there was a squabble, and it only stopped when i stepped in to ask Thea, who insisted that she already informed everyone about it, if she also waited for everyone's "permission" to her "information". Thea still protested but weakly this time, while she switched the tv back on to cable mode and went to her room to stew.

and i thought how, of all the three of them, Polo has the most sensitive heart and keenest sense of justice and injustice, while the girls have a tendency to try to get their way no matter what if they are not called on it.

and then, another thought-- how i see and know my children's hearts so well, and how, if i as a human parent, can know things this way, how much more our Heavenly Parent?

and now i sit at this pc, writing on this blog again, unwrapping my day, as Bach keeps me centered as best as i can be centered this morning.

My Tarot.com Horoscope Today : )

The Universe affirms me in my actions (despite my doubts and fears,which I have decided to bulldoze through with action anyway...)-- yay, thank you, God! : )

***

Friday, Apr 10th, 2009 -- If there really are angels, they are watching over you today. It's as if an unseen hand is clearing your way through a difficult situation. Don't fight the assistance now, even if you don't understand where it's coming from. Rest assured that your actions are being supported, so be bold and take a risk to help someone else. In this way you can receive the blessings and benefits of propitious Jupiter and then, in turn, pass them along to others who could use a little magic in their lives, too.

Away

away, you
have decided
to stay

away, i
have decided
to love you
anyway.

Days of Deepening Friendship

I've been joining this online women's Lenten retreat-- though belatedly, I only started last week when it started on Ash Wednesday week yet. What's good about it, though, is that you're not stuck to their posted schedule and can go at your own pace and just refer to the archives when you need to. So what I've been doing is instead of doing it weekly-- since I already came in late-- is to catch up by doing each session every two days.

I'm now on the 2nd Week of Lent session at http://deepeningfriendship.loyolapress.com/category/session-3-second-week-of-lent/.

Anyway, what I additionally like from this online retreat is that it's multimedia-- you can read, watch and listen to the video, as well as download sample chapters from Vinita Hampton-Wright's book, "Days of Deepening Friendship", which can also be purchased by registered retreatants at a discount.

Most importantly, the retreat speaks to me deeply and profoundly, and I found certain words and passages resonating with me instantly. This is the right material at the right time; the student is ready, the teacher has come, so to speak.

These are my favorite passages so far:

"As you grow in awareness of God's Presence, and as you become better acquainted with your own soul, you will notice that honesty in your life rises to a disconcerting level." : )

***

"Spiritual awareness brings with it certain choices that sometimes only you will know about-- those interior decisions that truly shape who you are."

***

"When it comes to spiritual progress, the bad news usually comes first. One day you step out the door and run right into the consequences of your unwise choices and your entangled heart. That's a hard moment, one that can last for weeks or months while you sort through the damage. But the last word is always the good word: God is already here, and you are already so completely loved that all of this mess will just be a little blip compared to what Love can accomplish."

***

"It's time for women of faith to quit apologizing-- for who they are or who they've been, for what they feel and know, and for their powerful ability to connect with spiritual reality. When a woman is free to be herself and express to God--without fear--her loves, dreams, pains, and passions, she can embark upon a friendship that is stunning in its wisdom and delightful in its daily unfolding."

***

"When we decide to accept God's Friendship, we must prepare to learn a new way of being in the world."

***

"We've grown accustomed to managing life ourselves, even when the constant juggling and burden carrying threaten our health and relationships. If we are going to open our lives to God's Love and help, we'll have to clear some space and do some letting go. We may have to come to a complete stop. And most certainly, we'll have to change the way we cope. Otherwise, this "relationship with God" will become just one more thing to manage."

***

"A growing friendship with God will allow some space for reflecting on how we cope with life. As we develop our friendship with God, that place where we meet Divine Love may well become the ultimate container for all the circumstances, feelings and situations that are too much for us. And sometimes, Divine Love will direct us to seek a friend, go to counseling, or take longer naps. We can follow through on these directions as our trust grows and as the friendship itself becomes more real to us."

*****

What blew my mind away, though, was when I opened the first session's download, and I read these words from the Preface of her book--

"For every woman whose hunger for love refuses to die."

: ) : ) : )

"My One Boobed Mamma" now on Amazon and B&N!

My third children's book, My One Boobed Mamma, is now on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble! Yay!

(Please click on "Amazon.com" and "Barnes and Noble" above to link to the exact pages. Thank you!)

Happy International Women's Day to all the brave and soulful women out there!

if i stay

if i stay
it is more for me
than for you
or us.

for once in my life
i don't want to be
the "Goodbye Girl"
anymore.

so

with what is (not) happening
now,
with any other love
before--
i'd walk away.

with you,
i'll stay.

riddle of the heart

the Present, departing (?);
the Past, approaching--
whom will my Future be with?

25 (not so) Random Things

Rules: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 Things

1. I am half Chinese by blood, a fourth Spanish, and a fourth crazy. Err, I also meant a fourth Filipino (but who is the Filipino with no other races' blood mixed in)?
2. I am a reluctant Chinese. I spent my kindergarten, elementary and high school years in a Chinese school, but I refuse to speak Chinese. Probably out of rebellion for the very strict, authoritarian (no questions asked, especially from girls) upbringing.
3. Funny thing, though-- I LOVE Chinese food!
4. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
5. When I grew up I wanted to be a book author. But then, Papa said writers starve. So then, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, Papa said with my very sensitive (he called it weak) constitution, I couldn't stand the pressure. So then, I wanted to be a nun. Papa went speechless with that. : )
6. Now I'm a happy book author and teacher and mother.
7. I discovered as early as age 6 that what I fervently, earnestly prayed for with all my heart, mind and soul, came true.
8. At age 6, I prayed that my (baptismal) name that I was using then, "Jeanette", be changed into "Mary Jane" (because of a popular song then which went, "Mary Jane of my mind..."). When I entered grade 1, the school asked for my civil-registered birth certificate, and lo and behold, even my parents were surprised and confused, my name was registered as "Mary Jean"! : O Civil registry clerks had a lot of power then... they typed whatever was convenient for them, and parents signed without checking.
9. Lately though, I've been using "Jeanette" again-- my spiritual name, as I've come into my own, come back to my own spirit at last.
10. I still feel so eternally blessed that I was able to pass through the proverbial needle of
a horrible marriage, had it annulled both civilly and in church, and came out much better for it. That's why I'm so careful now with just thoughtlessly giving my precious freedom away again... Uh-oh, not this time. I peer keenly into a man's CHARACTER now, especially in stressful, conflict situations. That's always the best test. (Shhh... sometimes when the going gets too easy... I make myself BE the stress! :> )
11. There are only 3 Rules I live by now-- always be true to your Self/follow your heart; be honest, be kind.
12. My deal-breakers: dishonesty (yes, including not being true to one's word) and cruelty in all forms.
13. I am an incurable romantic and indefatigable optimist.
14. I also love sex... and good food, and travel, and learning about many cultures, and books, and Nature, and long walks, and children, and good coffee with good conversation ... well, all the abundance of Life, really!
15. I am tired of starting all my sentences with "I" here, and my mind is going blank. But, Adeline started this, and is waiting for my turn.
16. I meditate regularly, almost daily, for 30-minutes to an hour. It keeps me centered.
17. I write on my journal daily, too. It keeps my mind clear.
18. I am relieved to see I'm on No. 18 now! : )
19. I can never over-repeat this: I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
20. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
21. I am also allergic to alcohol. Once I passed out just from Maria Clara Sangria. And even if I just taste beer suds or take a sip of wine or whisky, I turn beet red. Once in Romania, though, I drank two bottles of red wine, straight, just to keep warm. And then my older companions advised me to drink pitchers of water at the hotel afterwards, to prevent a hangover. I woke up very late, but feeling heavenly, with no allergic rashes at all. Maybe that's the exception.
22. There are only a few things I want to devote my energies to for the rest of my life now: being in good health (for me and my loved ones); living a happy Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family life with my Soulmate for the rest of our lives; helping touch and transform others for the better through my gifts in writing and speaking; and traveling the world with my Love and our children.
23. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
24. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
25. I am allergic to blamers and complainers. Enough said.

Thank you for reading down to here--congratulations! : )

Now it's your turn.

Today's Quote

Take the word victim off of your person--out of your vocabulary. It reeks with the old energy and does not suit your magnificence.

-Kryon

Pumps

i bought a new pair of pumps and wore them to school on the first day of second semester today!

yes, good old, solid, sensible, plain black, 1 and 1/2-inch- heeled pumps!



and im intent on wearing them during "uniform" days, 4 days a week, on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays now. : )

imagine that. me, who always chafed and strained against wearing shoes like these. the only other pair of pumps i have is plain and black indeed, but with a sexy design at the arch and at three-inched heels at that (more fit for bedroom play than for walking around school corridors heehee!)

if shoes tell the many moods of a woman and the phase in life she's in, well maybe mine has always been open and free-spirited-- with open-toed, stringed sandals; whimsical designs and flirty colors, or colored/patterned pumps with pointy ends and in all sorts of heel types and lengths.

now, i've come to this.

THIS.

i must really be finally settling down deep inside, huh. : )

hmmm...


i still have to get to wearing the current prescribed school uniform, though, as my uniform is still "any-form" that i feel like wearing.

heehee.

Have I Become A Crone Even Before Menopause? (Is this Why I Sometimes Feel I am Neither Here nor There, Never Belonging Anywhere?)

From "Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women" by Jean Shinoda Bolen:

I am proposing that it is time to reclaim and redefine 'crone' from the word pile of disparaging names to call older women, and to make becoming a 'crone' a crowning inner achievement of the third phase of life.

To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage, and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows.

Those crone qualities are not acquired overnight. One does not become a full-fledged crone automatically following menopause, any more than growing older and wiser go hand in hand. These are decades that follow menopause in which to grow psychologically and spiritually.

How can a woman tell if her man is about to propose?

I just asked this question in Yahoo Answers. I have three days to find out.

I would appreciate some answers NOW, though, so I'm posting it here, in case some kind soul deigns to help...

Thank you!

10 Ways to Honor Yourself

To recognize and be ready for the Love you deserve, you have to start with loving your self in the way you deserve.

How?

Here are 10 suggestions.

I Wanna Grow Old with You

Stop Acting Small, 2

Barbara Stanny, in Secrets of Six-Figure Women, says,

Every time you leave the beaten path and aim for the exceptional, every time you silence your fear and speak with your own voice, every time you stop acting small and start taking up space, you are owning your power and emancipating others to follow in your footsteps.

***

Read "Stop Acting Small", 1 here.

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

I just took this online self-quiz and I am glad my results (0-4) confirm what I already know: I am in a healthy, loving, affirming one at last!

But, answering the test brought on memories of previous relationships with horrific levels of toxicity!!! Ohhhh, by the grace of God...!

Well, one can never know and appreciate Light without experiencing darkness, too, I guess.

Still, what a blessing and supreme joy to have finally arrived where I am, at last!

Thank you, God, for Your Amazing Love and Grace!!!