i watched Chocolat with thea late last saturday evening, and im glad i did. actually, a friend or two mentioned it to me more than two years ago, how i should watch it because it reminded them of me, but i never encountered the opportunity, or maybe it wasnt the right time yet, until now.
the film is beautiful, both in form and substance. the rustic French village and its people were charming, despite their being too uptight and standoffish, which only made the main female character, Vianne, more vibrant and alive.
i can understand the film intimately, now, as i have lived through most of what Vianne has lived through, too. i guess thea is right-- it is about me and my life and who i am, in many ways. : )
it's basically just being different, being made to feel out of place, in a world of hypocrisy and rules that stifle the spirit and silence the heart, and how following one's heart and spirit becomes the greatest sin of all for this kind of world, which does not even begin to recognize that this very "sin" is its own hope for salvation, and redemption.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
dilemma
i loved him;
i love him
but
i have to take care
of me
and my little ones too.
time is not ours
yet
or ever.
i visit him
from time to time
to see
how he's doing
and to know
how he is...
how do you leave
and yet
still
take care of him
from afar?
what do you do
when you want
to do things right
as much as
you love someone
in a love
that cannot be?
i love him
but
i have to take care
of me
and my little ones too.
time is not ours
yet
or ever.
i visit him
from time to time
to see
how he's doing
and to know
how he is...
how do you leave
and yet
still
take care of him
from afar?
what do you do
when you want
to do things right
as much as
you love someone
in a love
that cannot be?
Friday, July 07, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
heart breaks
how can one love (and be loved by) so fully and so fiercely, yet also need to be alone as passionately?
he thinks it is because of other people that i want to take space. he thinks.
let him believe in that if that helps him, even if the unfairness of that lie stings, and stinks.
i just want to be alone.
he thinks it is because of other people that i want to take space. he thinks.
let him believe in that if that helps him, even if the unfairness of that lie stings, and stinks.
i just want to be alone.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Missing Piece
funny how i am suddenly reminded of a cartoon we watched in college, twenty years ago, in a Philosophy of Man class.
it was a film about a circle with a missing piece (which looked like a round rolling cake with one slice taken out), rolling along, trying to find its missing piece. it traveled many highways and byways, over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, to find its missing piece.
first it found a piece, but the piece was too small, so even as the circle tried to fit it into itself as it rolled along, the piece kept falling off. so the circle had to let go of the little piece.
then it found another piece, but it was too big, so as the circle tried to stuff it into itself, it couldn't move forward. it was a struggle between the big piece and the smaller circle with the missing piece; they pushed and pulled but to no avail. so in the end the circle had to let go of the big piece.
then it found still another piece. the pointed end of this third piece fit into the circle's missing part, but the third piece had jagged edges, and hurt the circle so, as it tried to roll along. travelling was painful, so in the end the circle had to let go of the third piece.
then finally, the circle found a piece which fit, perfectly. whichever way you looked at it, turned the circle this way and that, the piece fit-- not too loose, not too tight, not too uncomfortable. finally, the circle turned into a smiley. it felt right! it found its missing piece!
and so, the circle rolled on, rolled along.... ladeedadeeda.... tumdeedumdeedum.... rolled on over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, with its missing piece. it rolled along perfectly, like a perfect circle should. all round and whole, smiling and rolling and smiling and rolling, all the way.
but then again, the circle found that it couldn't speak; the missing piece fit so perfectly, there was no place for the circle to open itself and speak. it rolled along, but slowly... sadly... this time, as the circle realized that it needed to speak more than it needed to find its missing piece. and so sadly, in the end, the circle had to say goodbye to its perfect missing piece.
it rolled along again, rolled over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, without its missing piece. but it rolled on, happily this time, content just to be itself, a circle without its missing piece.
***
i forgot what the specific lesson was about now, but i do remember our Philosophy professor asking us to reflect on what the film meant to us.
i remember writing about how the film is symbolic of everyone's individual romantic journey, to find their missing piece, and how in the end, the journey just actually leads us back to ourselves, how the missing piece is not out there, but inside each one of us, and how when we find it inside, we stop looking for it outside anymore.
i remember, too, how the Professor returned all the papers back, except for mine. he asked to keep mine for his own reflection...
funny how i am reflecting on this again now.
it was a film about a circle with a missing piece (which looked like a round rolling cake with one slice taken out), rolling along, trying to find its missing piece. it traveled many highways and byways, over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, to find its missing piece.
first it found a piece, but the piece was too small, so even as the circle tried to fit it into itself as it rolled along, the piece kept falling off. so the circle had to let go of the little piece.
then it found another piece, but it was too big, so as the circle tried to stuff it into itself, it couldn't move forward. it was a struggle between the big piece and the smaller circle with the missing piece; they pushed and pulled but to no avail. so in the end the circle had to let go of the big piece.
then it found still another piece. the pointed end of this third piece fit into the circle's missing part, but the third piece had jagged edges, and hurt the circle so, as it tried to roll along. travelling was painful, so in the end the circle had to let go of the third piece.
then finally, the circle found a piece which fit, perfectly. whichever way you looked at it, turned the circle this way and that, the piece fit-- not too loose, not too tight, not too uncomfortable. finally, the circle turned into a smiley. it felt right! it found its missing piece!
and so, the circle rolled on, rolled along.... ladeedadeeda.... tumdeedumdeedum.... rolled on over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, with its missing piece. it rolled along perfectly, like a perfect circle should. all round and whole, smiling and rolling and smiling and rolling, all the way.
but then again, the circle found that it couldn't speak; the missing piece fit so perfectly, there was no place for the circle to open itself and speak. it rolled along, but slowly... sadly... this time, as the circle realized that it needed to speak more than it needed to find its missing piece. and so sadly, in the end, the circle had to say goodbye to its perfect missing piece.
it rolled along again, rolled over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, without its missing piece. but it rolled on, happily this time, content just to be itself, a circle without its missing piece.
***
i forgot what the specific lesson was about now, but i do remember our Philosophy professor asking us to reflect on what the film meant to us.
i remember writing about how the film is symbolic of everyone's individual romantic journey, to find their missing piece, and how in the end, the journey just actually leads us back to ourselves, how the missing piece is not out there, but inside each one of us, and how when we find it inside, we stop looking for it outside anymore.
i remember, too, how the Professor returned all the papers back, except for mine. he asked to keep mine for his own reflection...
funny how i am reflecting on this again now.
Friday, April 28, 2006
tee-hee...
something i got today from a spiritual newsletter i subscribe to--
It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the idiot the rest of your life.
–From a popular t-shirt
Amen, and amen!!! : ) : ) : )
It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the idiot the rest of your life.
–From a popular t-shirt
Amen, and amen!!! : ) : ) : )
Friday, April 14, 2006
How Our Vios Came to Us
When our old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer started acting up late last year, and after I finished reading Joe Vitale's The Attractor Factor last December, I started seriously praying for/manifesting a new car.
I thought I'd want something with more space this time, and it was at this time when the Toyota Innova started becoming conspicuous in the streets and in the ads. So, I thought, a Toyota Innova would be good.
I didn't know how it would come about, or when, I just knew: I wanted the Toyota Innova, or something quite like it.
So I began the manifesting process by getting clear and ridding my self of any underlying internal blockages or emotions about desiring the Toyota Innova, which wasn't hard to do, as every time our old car conked out, my frustrations only served to fuel my desire for our new Toyota Innova.
Then, I researched the Toyota site, and placed a picture of a red Toyota Innova on my desktop. Every time I'd see an Innova in the streets, I'd smile at it as if in greeting and recognition and secretly pray, "Thank you, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!!!" : ) : ) : ) It became so habitual I'd promptly automatically smile and thank God for the Toyota coming our way when I'd see even just the Toyota logo.
At around this time, my brother, T, broached to our father how he feels bad for me for having to put up with the old car's troubles. He learned about how the kids and I would almost always just absent our selves from school and work whenever the old car conked out, because I didn't have the extra P300 a day budget for taxis back and forth in bringing them to school and then bringing them home, one at a time. My father finally offered to finance buying me a new secondhand car, but he made it clear that his budget would only be 100k pesos, tops.
It did came to me how I'd ever get my dream car with only 100k pesos... but then, I decided to let the Universe worry about that, and just kept on with my thanking for the Toyota coming our way.
Last Wednesday, when T took my father to the broker to check out the car he wanted to buy for me, given Papa's budget-- a 1995 Kia-- T told me this morning how Papa's eyes were riveted to the Toyota Vios instead. The Kia was owned by a person who wanted to sell it so he could buy the Vios. But, after test driving the Vios, Papa was hooked, and decided to go for the Vios instead, even if it was four times over his intended budget!!! : O
And that's how our Toyota Vios came to be. : ) It is not the Innova, yes, but I only wanted the Innova for its spaciousness, which the Vios has got. It is almost brand new, with only 10 months' use... and it is in the fiery red color that I wanted and envisioned and prayed for!!!
If this isn't God's handiwork now, then I don't know what is!!!
ohhhhh, thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come into our lives!!! : ) : ) : )
I thought I'd want something with more space this time, and it was at this time when the Toyota Innova started becoming conspicuous in the streets and in the ads. So, I thought, a Toyota Innova would be good.
I didn't know how it would come about, or when, I just knew: I wanted the Toyota Innova, or something quite like it.
So I began the manifesting process by getting clear and ridding my self of any underlying internal blockages or emotions about desiring the Toyota Innova, which wasn't hard to do, as every time our old car conked out, my frustrations only served to fuel my desire for our new Toyota Innova.
Then, I researched the Toyota site, and placed a picture of a red Toyota Innova on my desktop. Every time I'd see an Innova in the streets, I'd smile at it as if in greeting and recognition and secretly pray, "Thank you, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!!!" : ) : ) : ) It became so habitual I'd promptly automatically smile and thank God for the Toyota coming our way when I'd see even just the Toyota logo.
At around this time, my brother, T, broached to our father how he feels bad for me for having to put up with the old car's troubles. He learned about how the kids and I would almost always just absent our selves from school and work whenever the old car conked out, because I didn't have the extra P300 a day budget for taxis back and forth in bringing them to school and then bringing them home, one at a time. My father finally offered to finance buying me a new secondhand car, but he made it clear that his budget would only be 100k pesos, tops.
It did came to me how I'd ever get my dream car with only 100k pesos... but then, I decided to let the Universe worry about that, and just kept on with my thanking for the Toyota coming our way.
Last Wednesday, when T took my father to the broker to check out the car he wanted to buy for me, given Papa's budget-- a 1995 Kia-- T told me this morning how Papa's eyes were riveted to the Toyota Vios instead. The Kia was owned by a person who wanted to sell it so he could buy the Vios. But, after test driving the Vios, Papa was hooked, and decided to go for the Vios instead, even if it was four times over his intended budget!!! : O
And that's how our Toyota Vios came to be. : ) It is not the Innova, yes, but I only wanted the Innova for its spaciousness, which the Vios has got. It is almost brand new, with only 10 months' use... and it is in the fiery red color that I wanted and envisioned and prayed for!!!
If this isn't God's handiwork now, then I don't know what is!!!
ohhhhh, thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come into our lives!!! : ) : ) : )
Friday, March 31, 2006
rush
a strange, strange thing happened just a while ago.
the car is down at the mechanic's shop again, so i had to commute by jeepney, from school to the phone office to pay my bill. i got down at the corner stop and walked to the phone office. as i was climbing up the steps of the phone office, this attractive young-looking guy called out to me from his car, calling me ma'am and waving, and my instinctive reaction was to smile and wave back, as former students usually do that when they see me even outside school.
then, as i was going into the phone office, the lady behind me seemed to reply back to the guy, so i thought sheepishly that i was mistaken, waving back to somebody waving to somebody behind me. : )
anyway, i went straight to the cashier to pay my bill. imagine my surprise when somebody said, "hi, rushing to beat the deadline huh?" and i turned to see the same guy that waved from his car earlier!
i was flustered and all i could do was say, "yes" back, even as i tried to place him and recall if i knew him. in the few seconds that i was taking out my bill and my money to pay the cashier, he was asking me where id be next, and i was shyly mumbling, "ooh, just paying bills", while i decided that i definitely did not know this guy! he was persistent but in a friendly way, saying he was paying bills too and maybe he could take me to where i was going?
oh god. one part of me felt flattered realizing that this young attractive guy was actually trying to pick me up, literally and figuratively! another part of me was thinking of those news reports about women being picked up by strange guys in their cars and not being heard of by family and friends afterwards.
i was gently trying to turn him down; i didn't know what i was saying, but he was insistent, saying he's seen me before in school and have always wondered what i did there, what did i do there? i asked questions back, how come you're in our school? he mumbled something about having a friend there who taught in the high school and also going to the gym.
anyway, after i paid my bill, i dawdled awhile and went to another counter, as if to fix my things, but actually turning my back to him, trying to make sense of what was happening. he dawdles around me too, and after a few moments, said, "so, i'll just go ahead? you sure you don't want a ride?" and i said, "yes, sure, please, go ahead." and gave him a wide smile, so he won't feel so rejected (oooh im a softie about unintentionally hurting people! even strangers!)
so he started walking as if to go ahead but he turned back just as i was zipping up my leathercase and he caught my eye. i smiled sheepishly and he waited for me then, and asked again to take me to the electric company, which was just a block away. it didnt seem to make sense now to back out, so i asked him his name as we walked to his car.
"B... B. M.", he gave me his full name. i smiled inwardly at the irony. he even has the ex's nick and initials!
anyway, once in his car, i made sure to check the door locks and the door lock buttons in the few brief moments while he walked around to his side to climb up the driver's seat too.
as he started driving, i don't know how it came out of me (maybe my training as researcher and interviewer), so i started asking how he was related to some people i knew who had his surname, and it turned out that they were his cousins! i heaved a sigh of more relief after that, although i still wondered at the suddeness and persistence of his actions. so, we made small talk. well, he talked, i asked and listened. : )
it was a good thing that the electric company had closed, that gave me a chance to ask him to just drop me off at the appliance store instead (whose parking area was full). i could tell he wanted to stay on as his eyes were searching for a parking spot, but it was full traffic, and his car was getting in the way of the long line of cars. so i got off and went straight into the appliance store.
:)
i marvel at the rush i felt at the experience, though. the strangeness of it all, the attractiveness of this guy, the quick comfortable talk.
on the way home riding another jeepney, i still felt breathless at the headiness of it all. no, not really sexually, but more like just... alive kind of breathless, when things happen so fast and you have to make quick assessments and decisions and just go by your gut. that kind of rush.
: )
the last time i had a similar experience was way back in 2000, when i was driving around 8 months pregnant, and this strange young guy in a motorcycle drove alongside me and i stopped, thinking he was a former student, and he stopped too, saying he was a former student of our school but never my student, and that he just wanted to say "i love you" (!). i was so surprised and a bit scared by the suddenness of it all that i sped off thinking, "lunatic!", and he strode his motorcycle too and followed me all the while shouting "I love youuuu!!!"
: S
ooh, the strange, strange things i get into, without my even meaning to!
: O
the car is down at the mechanic's shop again, so i had to commute by jeepney, from school to the phone office to pay my bill. i got down at the corner stop and walked to the phone office. as i was climbing up the steps of the phone office, this attractive young-looking guy called out to me from his car, calling me ma'am and waving, and my instinctive reaction was to smile and wave back, as former students usually do that when they see me even outside school.
then, as i was going into the phone office, the lady behind me seemed to reply back to the guy, so i thought sheepishly that i was mistaken, waving back to somebody waving to somebody behind me. : )
anyway, i went straight to the cashier to pay my bill. imagine my surprise when somebody said, "hi, rushing to beat the deadline huh?" and i turned to see the same guy that waved from his car earlier!
i was flustered and all i could do was say, "yes" back, even as i tried to place him and recall if i knew him. in the few seconds that i was taking out my bill and my money to pay the cashier, he was asking me where id be next, and i was shyly mumbling, "ooh, just paying bills", while i decided that i definitely did not know this guy! he was persistent but in a friendly way, saying he was paying bills too and maybe he could take me to where i was going?
oh god. one part of me felt flattered realizing that this young attractive guy was actually trying to pick me up, literally and figuratively! another part of me was thinking of those news reports about women being picked up by strange guys in their cars and not being heard of by family and friends afterwards.
i was gently trying to turn him down; i didn't know what i was saying, but he was insistent, saying he's seen me before in school and have always wondered what i did there, what did i do there? i asked questions back, how come you're in our school? he mumbled something about having a friend there who taught in the high school and also going to the gym.
anyway, after i paid my bill, i dawdled awhile and went to another counter, as if to fix my things, but actually turning my back to him, trying to make sense of what was happening. he dawdles around me too, and after a few moments, said, "so, i'll just go ahead? you sure you don't want a ride?" and i said, "yes, sure, please, go ahead." and gave him a wide smile, so he won't feel so rejected (oooh im a softie about unintentionally hurting people! even strangers!)
so he started walking as if to go ahead but he turned back just as i was zipping up my leathercase and he caught my eye. i smiled sheepishly and he waited for me then, and asked again to take me to the electric company, which was just a block away. it didnt seem to make sense now to back out, so i asked him his name as we walked to his car.
"B... B. M.", he gave me his full name. i smiled inwardly at the irony. he even has the ex's nick and initials!
anyway, once in his car, i made sure to check the door locks and the door lock buttons in the few brief moments while he walked around to his side to climb up the driver's seat too.
as he started driving, i don't know how it came out of me (maybe my training as researcher and interviewer), so i started asking how he was related to some people i knew who had his surname, and it turned out that they were his cousins! i heaved a sigh of more relief after that, although i still wondered at the suddeness and persistence of his actions. so, we made small talk. well, he talked, i asked and listened. : )
it was a good thing that the electric company had closed, that gave me a chance to ask him to just drop me off at the appliance store instead (whose parking area was full). i could tell he wanted to stay on as his eyes were searching for a parking spot, but it was full traffic, and his car was getting in the way of the long line of cars. so i got off and went straight into the appliance store.
:)
i marvel at the rush i felt at the experience, though. the strangeness of it all, the attractiveness of this guy, the quick comfortable talk.
on the way home riding another jeepney, i still felt breathless at the headiness of it all. no, not really sexually, but more like just... alive kind of breathless, when things happen so fast and you have to make quick assessments and decisions and just go by your gut. that kind of rush.
: )
the last time i had a similar experience was way back in 2000, when i was driving around 8 months pregnant, and this strange young guy in a motorcycle drove alongside me and i stopped, thinking he was a former student, and he stopped too, saying he was a former student of our school but never my student, and that he just wanted to say "i love you" (!). i was so surprised and a bit scared by the suddenness of it all that i sped off thinking, "lunatic!", and he strode his motorcycle too and followed me all the while shouting "I love youuuu!!!"
: S
ooh, the strange, strange things i get into, without my even meaning to!
: O
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Headmistress
while watching The Nanny last night, there was a part where Mr. Scheffield, the boss and father of the children, and Ms. Fines, the nanny, went to Gracie's, the youngest child, school for a PTA meeting. the headmistress, upon seeing Mr. Scheffield, went out of her way to welcome him. Ms. Fines butted in, and the headmistress looked at her condescendingly and asked who she was. Mr. Scheffield introduced her as the nanny, while he introduced the headmistress to Ms. Fines as the headmistress.
"headmistress, huh?", Ms. Fines's eyes widened incredulously. then she added, "wow, with your kind of experience, you should know by now that married men never really leave their wives, no matter how much they say they will!"
that should have been funny; it got the audience rolling.
but somehow, it just made me sad.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
the first vagina workshop
we had our first cast meeting and script reading this morning. we were given the chance to choose our roles; i chose Woman 4, mainly because she had long monologues (if im going to invest my time and energies here, might as well be for a role where i get to speak longer...), and i was comfortable with her monologue (speaking about discovering her vagina from a handheld mirror and what it did to her). : ) i discovered and have continuously watched mine in fascination since i was 17 years old!
anyway, we were asked to prepare for three more parts, too, our answers to--
1. how does your vagina smell like?
2. how does your moan sound like? (prepare to act/sound out a sample)
3. if it could wear something, what would your vagina wear?
there was a prepared script for the answers too, but our stage director encouraged us to come up with our own answers.
not a problem for me; ive answered those questions for my self long, long ago--
1. smells like an orchid, feels like an orchid, looks like an orchid
2. kittenish
3. a tiara of diamonds, and nothing else, resplendent in its barenaked glory!
the show will be on International Women's Day, March 11, 7:30 p.m., at the Garden Royale.
welcome to women's intimate and soul-renewing world!
anyway, we were asked to prepare for three more parts, too, our answers to--
1. how does your vagina smell like?
2. how does your moan sound like? (prepare to act/sound out a sample)
3. if it could wear something, what would your vagina wear?
there was a prepared script for the answers too, but our stage director encouraged us to come up with our own answers.
not a problem for me; ive answered those questions for my self long, long ago--
1. smells like an orchid, feels like an orchid, looks like an orchid
2. kittenish
3. a tiara of diamonds, and nothing else, resplendent in its barenaked glory!
the show will be on International Women's Day, March 11, 7:30 p.m., at the Garden Royale.
welcome to women's intimate and soul-renewing world!
Friday, March 03, 2006
The Vagina Monologues, A Year After
around this time last year, i wrote about watching the play here and my commentaries on it.
this year, on march 11, international women's day, at 7:30 p.m. to be exact, i will be part of the cast when it shows again at the Garden Royale this time.
a friend who's a theatre director and producer texted me last week to ask me if i can join. script unseen, role unknown, i enthusiastically said, "Yes!"
i was excited at this new adventure, to explore new(or long-forgotten) parts of me and see how i do in dinner theatre this time. still, it didnt seem real as i didnt hear from my friend again.
today, though, i got my part of the script. i still don't know my role but im supposed to familiarize my self with the script i have as of now, so that it will be easier when i am assigned my role.
there are 4 women's roles in this script; i wonder which one they'd assign to me. it would be interesting to see how other people think of me as a woman, how they feel id fit in some role...
: )
will keep you posted as this new adventure develops.
this year, on march 11, international women's day, at 7:30 p.m. to be exact, i will be part of the cast when it shows again at the Garden Royale this time.
a friend who's a theatre director and producer texted me last week to ask me if i can join. script unseen, role unknown, i enthusiastically said, "Yes!"
i was excited at this new adventure, to explore new(or long-forgotten) parts of me and see how i do in dinner theatre this time. still, it didnt seem real as i didnt hear from my friend again.
today, though, i got my part of the script. i still don't know my role but im supposed to familiarize my self with the script i have as of now, so that it will be easier when i am assigned my role.
there are 4 women's roles in this script; i wonder which one they'd assign to me. it would be interesting to see how other people think of me as a woman, how they feel id fit in some role...
: )
will keep you posted as this new adventure develops.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
J, again
we haven't been together much lately, because of my busy-ness with all my long-overdue and new projects... yet, we still stay connected mainly because J finds a way to fit "us" in comfortably when i can't.
this is a strange new experience for me, for a man not to be jealous of my life, for him to give me my space and time to be and grow and do as i please and as i must, and not to resent it nor be sulkily jealous of it.
oooh, how J doesn't know the beauty and preciousness of what he does for me!
i was driving home absentmindedly this morning, because that's what i reflected on, how strange it was now to not feel anxious nor guilty because i wasn't giving my man the priority time i want to give him for now... how strange it was to know that the axe will not fall somewhere sometime soon, and to know instead that when i go back to J with my full time and attention, he will still be there, still loving me and celebrating me without resentment nor drama.
oh, how freeing, how relaxing, how comforting it is to be loved this way at last!
it only makes me love J even more now.
this is a strange new experience for me, for a man not to be jealous of my life, for him to give me my space and time to be and grow and do as i please and as i must, and not to resent it nor be sulkily jealous of it.
oooh, how J doesn't know the beauty and preciousness of what he does for me!
i was driving home absentmindedly this morning, because that's what i reflected on, how strange it was now to not feel anxious nor guilty because i wasn't giving my man the priority time i want to give him for now... how strange it was to know that the axe will not fall somewhere sometime soon, and to know instead that when i go back to J with my full time and attention, he will still be there, still loving me and celebrating me without resentment nor drama.
oh, how freeing, how relaxing, how comforting it is to be loved this way at last!
it only makes me love J even more now.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Oprah's Advice on Men
i just got this as a forwarded email from a woman friend... I feel that the advice isn't for me anymore (i've learned this for my self the hard way, remember? : S) as it is for all the other women out there who are still finding their way, so i'd like to share it here --
*****
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complementary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
*****
Amen, and Amen!!!
and Yes-- i forwarded this to my daughter, too.
stay gold, goddesses.
*****
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complementary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
*****
Amen, and Amen!!!
and Yes-- i forwarded this to my daughter, too.
stay gold, goddesses.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
this lovely moment
the kids are in school and i am alone in the house, but happily chatting with J.
the birds chirp outside, while a cool breeze leads the curtains on a slow gentle dance.
a pressure is building up, from that other part of me which keeps reminding me of the many To Dos i have yet to do...
but i keep it at bay and ignore it.
it is only one little part of me.
the rest of me is relishing this delicious, lovely moment alone.
there will be time enough for To Dos again later, but right now--
Right Now:
this is my bliss.
the birds chirp outside, while a cool breeze leads the curtains on a slow gentle dance.
a pressure is building up, from that other part of me which keeps reminding me of the many To Dos i have yet to do...
but i keep it at bay and ignore it.
it is only one little part of me.
the rest of me is relishing this delicious, lovely moment alone.
there will be time enough for To Dos again later, but right now--
Right Now:
this is my bliss.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Mindful and Loving Self-Care
knock on wood, i am doing very well in the discipline department of my "reveling in my perfect weight" project, eating less but not at all feeling deprived. : )
mainly i keep repeating to my self my self-invented mantra, especially when im in the shower. i go slower, stroke my self lovingly all over even as i repeat my mantra in my mind. (i even go extra and tenderly talk to my breasts, too-- mmmmm, you are sooo full, healthy and sumptous, youuuuu!!!--to encourage them to grow back to their former voluminous glory before the breastfeeding years!!! heehee...)
then, too, there is the constant asking of my self if im really hungry, do i really need to eat, or am i needing something else, and the reminding of my self that goddesses don't eat their kids' leftovers. : )
so far, my body is responding very well by cooperating. it clearly sees itself as 136 pounds, indeed, and that anything more are being dropped off quickly and effortlessly, so don't ruin it by adding to the anything more... : )
now that i am saying No to quite a number of chances to eat, i am also becoming more aware of just how much kids' leftover food ive been eating last year! and the fact that most times, i eat absentmindedly when i don't really need to eat, because im doing something else instead, or my mind is preoccupied on something.
now, when i eat,it becomes almost like a holy ritual. i pause and pray and give thanks, then i count the tablespoonfuls of rice i put into my plate (only 5, equal to 1 cup), take just what i need with the other dishes, and as i take the food into my mouth, i anticipate it, then take it in slowly, savoring the taste and every chew (sometimes i even close my eyes and smile!)... before i finally swallow. so, even if i take less of what i used to take before, because i am more mindful now, paying attention to the moment and only to the food itself, my pleasure is doubled, even tripled, and i end up feeling satiated in many ways than just a full stomach.
it doesnt feel so much like dieting as just taking good care of my self now, mindfully and lovingly.
mainly i keep repeating to my self my self-invented mantra, especially when im in the shower. i go slower, stroke my self lovingly all over even as i repeat my mantra in my mind. (i even go extra and tenderly talk to my breasts, too-- mmmmm, you are sooo full, healthy and sumptous, youuuuu!!!--to encourage them to grow back to their former voluminous glory before the breastfeeding years!!! heehee...)
then, too, there is the constant asking of my self if im really hungry, do i really need to eat, or am i needing something else, and the reminding of my self that goddesses don't eat their kids' leftovers. : )
so far, my body is responding very well by cooperating. it clearly sees itself as 136 pounds, indeed, and that anything more are being dropped off quickly and effortlessly, so don't ruin it by adding to the anything more... : )
now that i am saying No to quite a number of chances to eat, i am also becoming more aware of just how much kids' leftover food ive been eating last year! and the fact that most times, i eat absentmindedly when i don't really need to eat, because im doing something else instead, or my mind is preoccupied on something.
now, when i eat,it becomes almost like a holy ritual. i pause and pray and give thanks, then i count the tablespoonfuls of rice i put into my plate (only 5, equal to 1 cup), take just what i need with the other dishes, and as i take the food into my mouth, i anticipate it, then take it in slowly, savoring the taste and every chew (sometimes i even close my eyes and smile!)... before i finally swallow. so, even if i take less of what i used to take before, because i am more mindful now, paying attention to the moment and only to the food itself, my pleasure is doubled, even tripled, and i end up feeling satiated in many ways than just a full stomach.
it doesnt feel so much like dieting as just taking good care of my self now, mindfully and lovingly.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
ssshhhhhh...
i learned something while i treated my self to a swedish massage with aromatherapy session at the spa today.
i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.
i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!
ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY UNBELIEVABLE POUNDS.
omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (
while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.
so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....
I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.
heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!
i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.
i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!
ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY UNBELIEVABLE POUNDS.
omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (
while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.
so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....
I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.
heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
rising above jealous me
it was a playful, intimate talk we were having, when the conversation turned to a young waitress who tried to bluntly pick him up by asking him if she could "borrow" him for an afternoon for a movie date, at a restaurant he's been eating in, so many years ago, before we even met, and i suddenly felt my self huffing and puffing and seeing red, then black. : (
he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )
J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.
i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.
this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.
first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.
is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?
where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )
or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?
i must really be growing up now.
heehee...
i deserve a big hug for today.
he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )
J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.
i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.
this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.
first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.
is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?
where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )
or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?
i must really be growing up now.
heehee...
i deserve a big hug for today.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I Only Asked for Roses
this nice man from halfway around the world who came to see me was indeed nice and charming, although in a roguish kind of way.
our first meeting was for lunch somewhere quiet and cozy, so we could talk, he said. and it was a wonderful lunch, getting to know each other better even as we tried to read each other's signals, the things we did not say. he made me laugh a lot with his jokes, and that relaxed us both. we ended lunch at 3pm, and he said the hours flew so fast, he didnt realize we've been talking for almost 4 hours already.
he wanted us to spend the rest of the day together, if i was not busy, but then i nicely declined, saying i had a paper to submit that day for my MA class (i did). but it was actually my way of stepping back; this was too good to be true for a first meeting, i must get my bearings back before i get lost again.
he said he wanted to see me again and he did keep in touch over the next few days and weeks. it was too bad though that what he thought was just a bad case of indigestion and diarrhea right after he arrived at our city actually turned out to be a kidney infection. luckily he had old friends from another city he could stay with, and assist in his medical needs.
last week, he felt a lot better and asked if we could see each other again for dinner. i jokingly reminded him if it was the candlelight dinner he promised some months ago while he was still away, and we were just communicating from a distance.
he asked me then if i wanted the complete works, "all in?", he said. i was a bit confused by that, as i hadn't had a proper romantic candlelight dinner in all my life, and although i sensed that he was also insinuating something more... i decided to pursue the conversation following the other meaning that was clearer in my head.
"complete? all in? you mean candlelight and wine and violins and roses, too?", i smilingly asked. i said i would be happy with just candlelight and roses.
what he said next completely turned me off.
he said that's the trouble with women, they always ask for more. he said he only promised me the candlelight and he could get the wine, and i should already know what "all in?" meant. :( he said that's why marriage is dangerous, women always ask for more.
it took a while for me to answer, but when i replied next, i calmly told him im sorry he took it like that. for his information, roses cost so much less than wine, and that i don't drink wine even, as im allergic to any kind of alcoholic drink, but then again that was not my point. i then told him im sorry too, im not interested in his kind of candlelight dinner anymore, whatever that meant, so he could just forget it.
and that ended the short-lived almost romance.
***
i am proud of my self, though.
there was a time not so long ago when just any man's attention would get me excited already, and id jump into things purely out of naivete and enthusiasm, with my heart on my sleeve, and with no sense of my own personal boundaries at all, like a puppy all agog, lapping it all up without any sense of discernment nor discrimination.
i handled this one differently now, like a real woman in her own right, comfortable in her own skin and strong in her own sense of value at last. although i was attracted and starting to melt, i kept my head clear, and was quick to draw the line when my sensitive boundaries were breached.
i only asked for roses, and he didn't get it. and to think he already said he loved me, many times.
how could a man who claims to love me get all huff-puffy and haggle with me about roses?
i only asked for roses. ive never received many roses in my life, too--only one from a student, another one from the ex in the long ago courting days (but just because his sister pushed him to do it, even giving him the money to buy me one on our first valentine's day), and then a bunch of 65 left-over red roses from a friend who was given a thousand roses by her husband on their last wedding anniversary.
i only asked for roses, but this man didnt know how roses meant a lot to me.
tsk, tsk.... that was his fatal mistake.
too bad for him, a blessing in disguise for me.
our first meeting was for lunch somewhere quiet and cozy, so we could talk, he said. and it was a wonderful lunch, getting to know each other better even as we tried to read each other's signals, the things we did not say. he made me laugh a lot with his jokes, and that relaxed us both. we ended lunch at 3pm, and he said the hours flew so fast, he didnt realize we've been talking for almost 4 hours already.
he wanted us to spend the rest of the day together, if i was not busy, but then i nicely declined, saying i had a paper to submit that day for my MA class (i did). but it was actually my way of stepping back; this was too good to be true for a first meeting, i must get my bearings back before i get lost again.
he said he wanted to see me again and he did keep in touch over the next few days and weeks. it was too bad though that what he thought was just a bad case of indigestion and diarrhea right after he arrived at our city actually turned out to be a kidney infection. luckily he had old friends from another city he could stay with, and assist in his medical needs.
last week, he felt a lot better and asked if we could see each other again for dinner. i jokingly reminded him if it was the candlelight dinner he promised some months ago while he was still away, and we were just communicating from a distance.
he asked me then if i wanted the complete works, "all in?", he said. i was a bit confused by that, as i hadn't had a proper romantic candlelight dinner in all my life, and although i sensed that he was also insinuating something more... i decided to pursue the conversation following the other meaning that was clearer in my head.
"complete? all in? you mean candlelight and wine and violins and roses, too?", i smilingly asked. i said i would be happy with just candlelight and roses.
what he said next completely turned me off.
he said that's the trouble with women, they always ask for more. he said he only promised me the candlelight and he could get the wine, and i should already know what "all in?" meant. :( he said that's why marriage is dangerous, women always ask for more.
it took a while for me to answer, but when i replied next, i calmly told him im sorry he took it like that. for his information, roses cost so much less than wine, and that i don't drink wine even, as im allergic to any kind of alcoholic drink, but then again that was not my point. i then told him im sorry too, im not interested in his kind of candlelight dinner anymore, whatever that meant, so he could just forget it.
and that ended the short-lived almost romance.
***
i am proud of my self, though.
there was a time not so long ago when just any man's attention would get me excited already, and id jump into things purely out of naivete and enthusiasm, with my heart on my sleeve, and with no sense of my own personal boundaries at all, like a puppy all agog, lapping it all up without any sense of discernment nor discrimination.
i handled this one differently now, like a real woman in her own right, comfortable in her own skin and strong in her own sense of value at last. although i was attracted and starting to melt, i kept my head clear, and was quick to draw the line when my sensitive boundaries were breached.
i only asked for roses, and he didn't get it. and to think he already said he loved me, many times.
how could a man who claims to love me get all huff-puffy and haggle with me about roses?
i only asked for roses. ive never received many roses in my life, too--only one from a student, another one from the ex in the long ago courting days (but just because his sister pushed him to do it, even giving him the money to buy me one on our first valentine's day), and then a bunch of 65 left-over red roses from a friend who was given a thousand roses by her husband on their last wedding anniversary.
i only asked for roses, but this man didnt know how roses meant a lot to me.
tsk, tsk.... that was his fatal mistake.
too bad for him, a blessing in disguise for me.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Desires
i just got this from a subscription email to Mama Genas... i thought it was too precious a reminder to just delete and forget... so im saving it here...
Your closely held, longed for desires are an opportunity. Not just an opportunity for you to receive, which is delightful, but also an opportunity for someone else to give. Which is, perhaps, even more delightful.
And there is always a way for your desires to be met; in fact, it is inevitable. And you needn't know the tiniest bit about how to accomplish them. Living in the desire is the creation of the fulfillment.
... a timely reminder for me who hasn't been feeling glowing lately... : (
Your closely held, longed for desires are an opportunity. Not just an opportunity for you to receive, which is delightful, but also an opportunity for someone else to give. Which is, perhaps, even more delightful.
And there is always a way for your desires to be met; in fact, it is inevitable. And you needn't know the tiniest bit about how to accomplish them. Living in the desire is the creation of the fulfillment.
... a timely reminder for me who hasn't been feeling glowing lately... : (
Friday, November 11, 2005
Tests
a nice man is coming halfway around the world to take his vacation where i am, and see me. he started out as a friend, whom i actually had heated arguments with the first few times, and i stood my ground (i knew i was right), and i guess... he has learned to respect me, too, and not just see me as just another pretty face...
well, actually, he has revealed his deeper feelings already, but i am firm on friendship first, this time.
it is not so much a test for him, but a test for me, to see how much i've grown, how far i've come, in my journey from no-self to true self...
then, there's the other dilemma, too.... J, the love of my heart, mind and soul... the love who is so far away, the love who can't be mine (yet, i hope)...
it is a fine line i toe, exploring my growth as a person and as a woman, yet taking care not to hurt nor harm J... and even this nice man who's travelling halfway around the world to see me...
what to do, dear heart?
well, actually, he has revealed his deeper feelings already, but i am firm on friendship first, this time.
it is not so much a test for him, but a test for me, to see how much i've grown, how far i've come, in my journey from no-self to true self...
then, there's the other dilemma, too.... J, the love of my heart, mind and soul... the love who is so far away, the love who can't be mine (yet, i hope)...
it is a fine line i toe, exploring my growth as a person and as a woman, yet taking care not to hurt nor harm J... and even this nice man who's travelling halfway around the world to see me...
what to do, dear heart?
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Menstrual Cycle Wisdom
How might it have been different for you if, on your first menstrual day, your mother had given you a bouquet of flowers and taken you to lunch, and then the two of you had gone to meet your father at the jeweler, where your ears were pierced, and your father bought you your first pair of earrings, and then you went with a few of your friends and your mother’s friends to get your first lip coloring; and then you went, for the very first time, to the Women’s lodge, to learn the wisdom of women? How might you be different?
-Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones
Read more here. (Although, I must say... the article looks "cut"... it talks about the beginning and middle phases of the cycle and forgot to talk about the ending phase...)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Open Relationships
his hurting bothers me, especially since i understand almost perfectly where it's coming from. if the tables were turned, i'd be the same. im as passionately jealous as he is. : ) and i love it that way.
still, i wondered how other people dealt with this stuff. im not exactly an expert in long-term good and loving relationships and i just wondered how other people successfully managed this. so i google-searched for "jealousy" and the first article i came to was on jealousy in open relationships.
i've always understood open relationships to be those kinds of relationships where there is no commitment to a future together, but in this article, it was defined as a relationship with a commitment to at least take each other seriously and even build a future together, but with an openness to non-monogamous sexual relationships! : O
i've always prided my self in being very open and liberal-minded (although still very oldfashioned in values), especially when it comes to how other people live their lives, but i have to admit, this one article actually shocked me, even offended my basic sensibilities!
i guess it works for other people, but i don't think it will ever work for me. i love too much when i love, and it's an all or nothing kind. i am not good at sharing and distributing, when it comes to romantic love...
or maybe i am just too out-of-touch idealistic, still stuck in visions of knights and fair maidens who inspire even as they distress... : )
the article talked about it logically, presenting open relationships as a whole new, more loving way of living, based on abundance of love and not the scarcity of it. it likened it to having a new baby, more people to love, more love to go around with.
intellectually, i could agree to the proposition, but heartfully and soul-fully the very idea violates my very being.
maybe im selfish, maybe im greedy, but i want my man to know me intimately and i, to know him as intimately, in a way that nobody else knows, because that is the kind of beautiful and magical world that we create and try to nurture.
my man is not a baby, although i like to baby him, and i am not a baby either, although i like it when he babies me, so i don't buy that BS about the new baby analogy! having my man have a sexual relationship with another woman at the same time he has an emotional and sexual relationship with me, with my full knowledge and tacit agreement, would be tantamount to my agreeing to sharing my bed and my house with her (and all her lovers, too, past and present)!!! : O i just don't think i can be intimately loving with that many people, all at the same time! : O
i don't know how they do it, live and let live i guess, but im happier with the kind of life im crafting now.
still, i wondered how other people dealt with this stuff. im not exactly an expert in long-term good and loving relationships and i just wondered how other people successfully managed this. so i google-searched for "jealousy" and the first article i came to was on jealousy in open relationships.
i've always understood open relationships to be those kinds of relationships where there is no commitment to a future together, but in this article, it was defined as a relationship with a commitment to at least take each other seriously and even build a future together, but with an openness to non-monogamous sexual relationships! : O
i've always prided my self in being very open and liberal-minded (although still very oldfashioned in values), especially when it comes to how other people live their lives, but i have to admit, this one article actually shocked me, even offended my basic sensibilities!
i guess it works for other people, but i don't think it will ever work for me. i love too much when i love, and it's an all or nothing kind. i am not good at sharing and distributing, when it comes to romantic love...
or maybe i am just too out-of-touch idealistic, still stuck in visions of knights and fair maidens who inspire even as they distress... : )
the article talked about it logically, presenting open relationships as a whole new, more loving way of living, based on abundance of love and not the scarcity of it. it likened it to having a new baby, more people to love, more love to go around with.
intellectually, i could agree to the proposition, but heartfully and soul-fully the very idea violates my very being.
maybe im selfish, maybe im greedy, but i want my man to know me intimately and i, to know him as intimately, in a way that nobody else knows, because that is the kind of beautiful and magical world that we create and try to nurture.
my man is not a baby, although i like to baby him, and i am not a baby either, although i like it when he babies me, so i don't buy that BS about the new baby analogy! having my man have a sexual relationship with another woman at the same time he has an emotional and sexual relationship with me, with my full knowledge and tacit agreement, would be tantamount to my agreeing to sharing my bed and my house with her (and all her lovers, too, past and present)!!! : O i just don't think i can be intimately loving with that many people, all at the same time! : O
i don't know how they do it, live and let live i guess, but im happier with the kind of life im crafting now.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
he thinks
he encourages me
to talk to other people
to enjoy my self with other people
as he can't be with me yet.
so sometimes, i do
although, most times, i don't
as i enjoy my self best
when with him.
but now that i'm talking
with other people again
he also hurts
though he tries to hide
by keeping quiet.
he thinks
i don't know.
he thinks.
he thinks
i can easily
replace him.
he thinks.
to talk to other people
to enjoy my self with other people
as he can't be with me yet.
so sometimes, i do
although, most times, i don't
as i enjoy my self best
when with him.
but now that i'm talking
with other people again
he also hurts
though he tries to hide
by keeping quiet.
he thinks
i don't know.
he thinks.
he thinks
i can easily
replace him.
he thinks.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
J
he is good for me in many deep and soulful ways, even if current circumstances in our lives are not exactly perfect for our being together yet.
he moves me, not just bodily and mentally, but deeply too, in ways of the heart and soul. he knows me inside and out, accepts all my idiosyncracies and strange eccentricities with love and tolerance and amusement, and even celebrates who i am at each moment, whether im being wild and stubborn and mad, or whether im being sweet and humble and innocent, or sulky and clinging and unreasonable even.
sometimes, when some innocent remark he makes sets me off and pushes my red alert buttons, dredging up old wounds and ancient pain, and i become less of the beautiful self i'd like to think i have become, he even wallows with me in my misery and ugliness and takes all the blows for me, too... sometimes, when i get like this, i start hating my ugliness and act as if to leave, but he begs me to stay instead, saying he needs me in his life, when all i've done to him was hurt him unfairly even.
how can you still fight and resist in the face of that kind of loving?
J never ceases to amaze me.
i feel that i am finally in the presence of something great and timeless and holy, and each day i am awed and humbled at my good fortune... what have i ever done to deserve this kind of blessing?
sometimes, i think now, that even our present circumstances which prevent us from being together forever at last, is good for us. maybe, we need to grow into this blessing we have stumbled into until we are able to handle it well, when we are physically together at last.
finally, here is a man who loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul (and loves my children even as if they were his own!), a man who can love me as much as i love, too, match for match, in all ways... at last.
i think i have found my own Big Jar, too, at last. : )
God is sooo good!
he moves me, not just bodily and mentally, but deeply too, in ways of the heart and soul. he knows me inside and out, accepts all my idiosyncracies and strange eccentricities with love and tolerance and amusement, and even celebrates who i am at each moment, whether im being wild and stubborn and mad, or whether im being sweet and humble and innocent, or sulky and clinging and unreasonable even.
sometimes, when some innocent remark he makes sets me off and pushes my red alert buttons, dredging up old wounds and ancient pain, and i become less of the beautiful self i'd like to think i have become, he even wallows with me in my misery and ugliness and takes all the blows for me, too... sometimes, when i get like this, i start hating my ugliness and act as if to leave, but he begs me to stay instead, saying he needs me in his life, when all i've done to him was hurt him unfairly even.
how can you still fight and resist in the face of that kind of loving?
J never ceases to amaze me.
i feel that i am finally in the presence of something great and timeless and holy, and each day i am awed and humbled at my good fortune... what have i ever done to deserve this kind of blessing?
sometimes, i think now, that even our present circumstances which prevent us from being together forever at last, is good for us. maybe, we need to grow into this blessing we have stumbled into until we are able to handle it well, when we are physically together at last.
finally, here is a man who loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul (and loves my children even as if they were his own!), a man who can love me as much as i love, too, match for match, in all ways... at last.
i think i have found my own Big Jar, too, at last. : )
God is sooo good!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Live Your Legend
Mama Gena, in her newsletter which i subscribe to, reminds us all sister goddesses to "Live Your Legend", to keep choosing pleasure and desire and fun over anything less.
timely reminder for me; my glow seems to have diminished somewhat lately... and i noticed it early this morning, while i was in the car waiting for the kids to join me so i could bring them to school on time.
just before i got into the car, i checked the breakfast the maid had prepared-- eggs and spanish sardines. inwardly, i thought i would have preferred the sweet-spicy fried sardines she prepared the other day. i started taking out the can of fried sardines i wanted from the cupboard, but then decided against it, thinking that it would be a waste of resources having another set of sardines when one is already available, although one i am not particularly in the mood for so early in the morning... : (
i thought i was being Ms. Logical and Ms. Efficient and Ms. Thrifty, but why did i suddenly feel a little bit more deflated, a little bit smaller?
i was in the car already when the thought came to me-- what's a little extra cost for the sake of your pleasure and fun and enjoyment, Goddess? where is the Goddess spark and chutzpah? will you allow your self to be limited now by the extra cost of another can of sardines, the kind that makes you start your day with a smile and a little more perk?
and then, later this morning, i opened my email to find Mama Gena's reminder. : ) another serendipitous thing!
i must go back to living my legend again; i owe it to me! : )
timely reminder for me; my glow seems to have diminished somewhat lately... and i noticed it early this morning, while i was in the car waiting for the kids to join me so i could bring them to school on time.
just before i got into the car, i checked the breakfast the maid had prepared-- eggs and spanish sardines. inwardly, i thought i would have preferred the sweet-spicy fried sardines she prepared the other day. i started taking out the can of fried sardines i wanted from the cupboard, but then decided against it, thinking that it would be a waste of resources having another set of sardines when one is already available, although one i am not particularly in the mood for so early in the morning... : (
i thought i was being Ms. Logical and Ms. Efficient and Ms. Thrifty, but why did i suddenly feel a little bit more deflated, a little bit smaller?
i was in the car already when the thought came to me-- what's a little extra cost for the sake of your pleasure and fun and enjoyment, Goddess? where is the Goddess spark and chutzpah? will you allow your self to be limited now by the extra cost of another can of sardines, the kind that makes you start your day with a smile and a little more perk?
and then, later this morning, i opened my email to find Mama Gena's reminder. : ) another serendipitous thing!
i must go back to living my legend again; i owe it to me! : )
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Touch
yesterday, despite the very tight budget, but with hope now that my aunt would approve my request for an advanced payment of my consultancy fee for this month, i went ahead with a long-scheduled spa massage date with three of my colleagues in the university who have become dear friends.
im glad i did. im glad i have learned not to let very limited financial circumstances limit my joy and pleasures, too.
for an hour and a half or two yesterday, lying naked on a firm, comfortable massage bed covered only by a thin white blanket and being gently yet expertly touched and kneaded by a professional lady masseuse who exerted just the right kind of pressure to ease out the tensions in the right places, i gave in to the sheer pleasure of being touched in a full and sensual way.
from head to toe, i just relaxed into not letting anything else bother me but savoring all the tactile deliciousness of the sensations of touch and warmth and pressure in rhythmic waves, amidst a darkened room with soft, muted lights, and comforting meditation music.
at one time, i even thought to my self, hmmm.. this is better than sex even! i could do without sex as long as i have these massages regularly! :) : ) :)
...
yes.... it's been quite a while.
one night just recently, i found my self so hungry i actually wept when i saw romantic pictures of loving couples in the initial phases of making love! that was the first time i wept from such hunger...
it wasn't just a physical kind, but almost like a soul-kind of hunger, from my deepest, darkest self...
the abstinence hasn't been by circumstance, either, but by choice, as i'm holding out for more lasting joys that are finer and deeper and higher now... not just the temporary passing pleasures of the physical kind.
...
i am glad i allowed my self to go ahead with yesterday's special treat. this little "problem" is solved now too, as i think i have re-discovered a way around it now. : ) a regular spa massage!!!
heehee.
God is good. life is good.
im glad i did. im glad i have learned not to let very limited financial circumstances limit my joy and pleasures, too.
for an hour and a half or two yesterday, lying naked on a firm, comfortable massage bed covered only by a thin white blanket and being gently yet expertly touched and kneaded by a professional lady masseuse who exerted just the right kind of pressure to ease out the tensions in the right places, i gave in to the sheer pleasure of being touched in a full and sensual way.
from head to toe, i just relaxed into not letting anything else bother me but savoring all the tactile deliciousness of the sensations of touch and warmth and pressure in rhythmic waves, amidst a darkened room with soft, muted lights, and comforting meditation music.
at one time, i even thought to my self, hmmm.. this is better than sex even! i could do without sex as long as i have these massages regularly! :) : ) :)
...
yes.... it's been quite a while.
one night just recently, i found my self so hungry i actually wept when i saw romantic pictures of loving couples in the initial phases of making love! that was the first time i wept from such hunger...
it wasn't just a physical kind, but almost like a soul-kind of hunger, from my deepest, darkest self...
the abstinence hasn't been by circumstance, either, but by choice, as i'm holding out for more lasting joys that are finer and deeper and higher now... not just the temporary passing pleasures of the physical kind.
...
i am glad i allowed my self to go ahead with yesterday's special treat. this little "problem" is solved now too, as i think i have re-discovered a way around it now. : ) a regular spa massage!!!
heehee.
God is good. life is good.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Consumatum Est!
it is finished!
ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.
and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.
i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D
(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)
i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.
God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!
thank you, God, for the gift of stories!
ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.
and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.
i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D
(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)
i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.
God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!
thank you, God, for the gift of stories!
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Time Out
i think i will need to take time, space and energies off from blogging here for a while; i will need the time, space and energies for making a dream come true.
there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.
i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)
wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.
the luck will just follow.
there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.
i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)
wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.
the luck will just follow.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Aikido, Belly Dance and Serendipity
during my first session with them, my teacher (sensei) in aikido class commented that i seem to be a natural for the art, and after knowing that i take belly dance classes in between my aikido nights too, said that she believes my belly dance is helping my aikido.
i took up aikido mainly because it's an elective in my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course, and i thought it would be interesting to study the art of peace principles from a physical orientation. but dreading the thought of doing (what i thought was) unfeminine martial arts, i also enrolled my self in belly dance classes every other night, to sort of cushion whatever expected "unpleasantness" i thought id feel from my aikido classes-- sort of like taking a teaspoon of sugar for every teaspoon of bitter medicine. so tuesday and thursday evenings, at 7-8pm, i do my belly dance; wednesday and friday evenings at the same time, i do my aikido.
i started my belly dance class first so i was in a good mood when i started my aikido the next night. and i was in for a surprise!
aikido is such a graceful martial art, you feel like dancing rather than fighting. you actually do glides and pirouettes with graceful hand movements! it was only later when i started reading up on it that i learned that the core principle of aikido is to neutralize destructive energies, to "defeat" your opponent by rendering him/her incapable of harming you yet not harm him/her and maintain both your integrity in the process. no wonder it is called "The Way of Peace"!
then, my belly dance classes do intuitively feel like they're complementing my aikido, because in belly dance, i not only get a really intensive fat burning and muscle-toning workout, i get it in such a way that i celebrate my womanhood and have fun! it is only today when i started reading up on belly dance that i learned that it is the oldest dance tradition in the world and a way of joyful empowerment for women as well as to higher spirituality! it was not at all created to entertain men (although it is a byproduct) but as both a sacred and erotic way to connect to the core of women's femininity and the Goddess forces!
i marvel now at the coincidence of my being led to take on these two seemingly different art forms in my life now-- me who hasn't been very sporty and physically active, me who has always been the cerebral, intellectual, philosophical type... yet finding joy and exultation in these two arts now.
i marvel in quiet amazement at the paths ive taken, which have led me to this path, as i know deep inside now that the more i learn about these arts, the more i will grow as a person and as a woman, in both my character, personality and spirituality.
it's funny, too, how i started reading a book last night, Women, Sex and Addiction, and how the author, in her introductory chapter explaining her thesis and where she's coming from, mentioned belly dance as part of womanly initiations and practice in reclaiming women's rightful connections with their own sexuality and empowerment!
everything seems to be coming to a head, falling into place, even though they are coming from altogether different directions... ooohlalaaaa.... : )
magic is afoot again.
i took up aikido mainly because it's an elective in my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course, and i thought it would be interesting to study the art of peace principles from a physical orientation. but dreading the thought of doing (what i thought was) unfeminine martial arts, i also enrolled my self in belly dance classes every other night, to sort of cushion whatever expected "unpleasantness" i thought id feel from my aikido classes-- sort of like taking a teaspoon of sugar for every teaspoon of bitter medicine. so tuesday and thursday evenings, at 7-8pm, i do my belly dance; wednesday and friday evenings at the same time, i do my aikido.
i started my belly dance class first so i was in a good mood when i started my aikido the next night. and i was in for a surprise!
aikido is such a graceful martial art, you feel like dancing rather than fighting. you actually do glides and pirouettes with graceful hand movements! it was only later when i started reading up on it that i learned that the core principle of aikido is to neutralize destructive energies, to "defeat" your opponent by rendering him/her incapable of harming you yet not harm him/her and maintain both your integrity in the process. no wonder it is called "The Way of Peace"!
then, my belly dance classes do intuitively feel like they're complementing my aikido, because in belly dance, i not only get a really intensive fat burning and muscle-toning workout, i get it in such a way that i celebrate my womanhood and have fun! it is only today when i started reading up on belly dance that i learned that it is the oldest dance tradition in the world and a way of joyful empowerment for women as well as to higher spirituality! it was not at all created to entertain men (although it is a byproduct) but as both a sacred and erotic way to connect to the core of women's femininity and the Goddess forces!
i marvel now at the coincidence of my being led to take on these two seemingly different art forms in my life now-- me who hasn't been very sporty and physically active, me who has always been the cerebral, intellectual, philosophical type... yet finding joy and exultation in these two arts now.
i marvel in quiet amazement at the paths ive taken, which have led me to this path, as i know deep inside now that the more i learn about these arts, the more i will grow as a person and as a woman, in both my character, personality and spirituality.
it's funny, too, how i started reading a book last night, Women, Sex and Addiction, and how the author, in her introductory chapter explaining her thesis and where she's coming from, mentioned belly dance as part of womanly initiations and practice in reclaiming women's rightful connections with their own sexuality and empowerment!
everything seems to be coming to a head, falling into place, even though they are coming from altogether different directions... ooohlalaaaa.... : )
magic is afoot again.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
skittish
im feeling skittish--
pawing the ground,
snorting,
neighing,
straining,
yearning
to break loose,
to break free...
but to where?
pawing the ground,
snorting,
neighing,
straining,
yearning
to break loose,
to break free...
but to where?
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Old Love
i dreamt about an old love a while ago.
i was in this big ancient house with him; it was his house with his wife and kids. he had more than the two kids i knew of; he had two little ones even.
one was sick and cooped up in a room all by herself. the other little one was having a tantrum and wanted to be sick, too, because their mother was all wrapped up in her ministrations to the sick one.
all the time, he was just there, his usual charming self, trying to flirt with me, even as his children flitted in and out of that old house. at one time, his wife rushed out of a room, bringing with her a bedpan and a wash basin. i asked if there was anything i could do to help. she just smiled and brushed me away and told me to enjoy my visit.
i asked her why she had to do everything while he just sits there doing nothing and acting like the lord of the house. she just sighed and said that that is the way it has always been, and that's the way she supposes it will always be.
but he's acting spoiled and so are your children! i was dismayed at what she was doing to her self.
she just shrugged and went back to work.
at this point, i knew-- i have no place in their house, nor does he have any place in my life now.
and then i woke up.
i was in this big ancient house with him; it was his house with his wife and kids. he had more than the two kids i knew of; he had two little ones even.
one was sick and cooped up in a room all by herself. the other little one was having a tantrum and wanted to be sick, too, because their mother was all wrapped up in her ministrations to the sick one.
all the time, he was just there, his usual charming self, trying to flirt with me, even as his children flitted in and out of that old house. at one time, his wife rushed out of a room, bringing with her a bedpan and a wash basin. i asked if there was anything i could do to help. she just smiled and brushed me away and told me to enjoy my visit.
i asked her why she had to do everything while he just sits there doing nothing and acting like the lord of the house. she just sighed and said that that is the way it has always been, and that's the way she supposes it will always be.
but he's acting spoiled and so are your children! i was dismayed at what she was doing to her self.
she just shrugged and went back to work.
at this point, i knew-- i have no place in their house, nor does he have any place in my life now.
and then i woke up.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Blind Spot
a friend who read my previous blog congratulated me for my good fortune and asked, "how can you not know when you are treated wrong?"
i had to explain-- it is not so much in the big wrongs that i have trouble knowing about, but in the little, supposed to be "harmless" wrongs that does more damage in the long run... little white lies, inconsideration, insensitive remarks and little actions... stuff like that, which, when added together, form a bunch of actions which belie those overused words, "i love you."
i don't think it's just me; i think it's a common blind spot among women. raised to always look out for others yet not looking out for one's self in the first place, we tend to be so other-focused that we even interpret other's lack of respect, consideration and sensitivity as something that reflects on our lack of worth ("is there something wrong with me? maybe if i do more, love more, give more, he'll learn to appreciate me and be more considerate and sensitive of me too?").
i am learning now that if there's anything at all "wrong" (i think we are perfect, just as we are!) with us women, it's that we don't give ourselves enough credit, sacrificing self-respect and integrity for so-called "love" and connection. it seems anathema to a woman's total concept that she can actually enjoy her self and her life, without guilt, with or without a man.
this point was further emphasized to me last night when my daughter Thea and I watched "Down with Love" starring Renee Zellweiger and that male lead star in Moulin Rouge (i forgot his name). we laughed at many parts of the film, because we could identify ourselves and our foibles in it (well, for me at least; im not sure my 12 year old has enough experience of her own to appreciate them, although she did nod emphatically when i pointed out some parts to her and what they could mean...).
basically, the female lead star (Renee, playing writer Barbara Novak) wrote a book, "Down with Love", which became a hit among women in the 1960s. that book was supposed to be THE bible for women's empowerment.
the book's thesis is "down with love", essentially telling women to take off their rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, which is not to equate sex with love, like men do. sex is sex and love is love and that's that. some rare times, they meet up but oftentimes, they don't. so get on with it, get moving with your life, pleasure your self in what ever way you can, with or without "love" from a man. there is so much more to life than a romantic relationship with a man.
still, in the end, though, true love wins. in the film, the male and female leads eventually fall in love and marry, despite their protestations and struggle with themselves and each other.
i guess the film also pointed out that when you take off your rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, when the real thing comes along, you finally recognize it for the rare thing that it is too, and not get it mixed up with the fancy but empty baubles you have met along your journey.
i think i've overcome my blind spot now.
i KNOW i have overcome my blind spot now.
: )
i had to explain-- it is not so much in the big wrongs that i have trouble knowing about, but in the little, supposed to be "harmless" wrongs that does more damage in the long run... little white lies, inconsideration, insensitive remarks and little actions... stuff like that, which, when added together, form a bunch of actions which belie those overused words, "i love you."
i don't think it's just me; i think it's a common blind spot among women. raised to always look out for others yet not looking out for one's self in the first place, we tend to be so other-focused that we even interpret other's lack of respect, consideration and sensitivity as something that reflects on our lack of worth ("is there something wrong with me? maybe if i do more, love more, give more, he'll learn to appreciate me and be more considerate and sensitive of me too?").
i am learning now that if there's anything at all "wrong" (i think we are perfect, just as we are!) with us women, it's that we don't give ourselves enough credit, sacrificing self-respect and integrity for so-called "love" and connection. it seems anathema to a woman's total concept that she can actually enjoy her self and her life, without guilt, with or without a man.
this point was further emphasized to me last night when my daughter Thea and I watched "Down with Love" starring Renee Zellweiger and that male lead star in Moulin Rouge (i forgot his name). we laughed at many parts of the film, because we could identify ourselves and our foibles in it (well, for me at least; im not sure my 12 year old has enough experience of her own to appreciate them, although she did nod emphatically when i pointed out some parts to her and what they could mean...).
basically, the female lead star (Renee, playing writer Barbara Novak) wrote a book, "Down with Love", which became a hit among women in the 1960s. that book was supposed to be THE bible for women's empowerment.
the book's thesis is "down with love", essentially telling women to take off their rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, which is not to equate sex with love, like men do. sex is sex and love is love and that's that. some rare times, they meet up but oftentimes, they don't. so get on with it, get moving with your life, pleasure your self in what ever way you can, with or without "love" from a man. there is so much more to life than a romantic relationship with a man.
still, in the end, though, true love wins. in the film, the male and female leads eventually fall in love and marry, despite their protestations and struggle with themselves and each other.
i guess the film also pointed out that when you take off your rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, when the real thing comes along, you finally recognize it for the rare thing that it is too, and not get it mixed up with the fancy but empty baubles you have met along your journey.
i think i've overcome my blind spot now.
i KNOW i have overcome my blind spot now.
: )
Sunday, July 10, 2005
What One Good Man's Loving Can Do
it is amazing what one good man's loving can do to a woman--
- because she is treated right, she can now easily tell when she is treated wrong;
- because she is respected and known and understood and loved truly, she can now easily tell when she is just being played for a fool with sugary but empty words;
- because he loves her in the gentlest and tenderest way ever, she has now found her own strength and power and blossoming;
- because he loves her with a fierceness and intensity that doesn't even balk nor flinch from her frequent goodbyes when the going gets too tough, she is learning to stay now, and hoping to stay... for good.
i am blessed to be that kind of woman now.
: )
- because she is treated right, she can now easily tell when she is treated wrong;
- because she is respected and known and understood and loved truly, she can now easily tell when she is just being played for a fool with sugary but empty words;
- because he loves her in the gentlest and tenderest way ever, she has now found her own strength and power and blossoming;
- because he loves her with a fierceness and intensity that doesn't even balk nor flinch from her frequent goodbyes when the going gets too tough, she is learning to stay now, and hoping to stay... for good.
i am blessed to be that kind of woman now.
: )
Friday, July 08, 2005
In This Life*
For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free
Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you
For every mountain
I have climbed
And every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love, I would be lost
Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you.
In this life, I was loved by you.
*Ronan Keating
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free
Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you
For every mountain
I have climbed
And every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love, I would be lost
Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you.
In this life, I was loved by you.
*Ronan Keating
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Ms.
if a man can just be called plain "Mr.", why does it appear important that a woman should either be a "Miss" or a "Mrs."?
would her being single or married have anything to do with her capacity to hold a job, perform work well, be credit worthy, acknowledged as a citizen?
here is the story of "Ms."
would her being single or married have anything to do with her capacity to hold a job, perform work well, be credit worthy, acknowledged as a citizen?
here is the story of "Ms."
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Of Gardens and Food, etc.
i went to the Mall to pay my cellphone bill but i went home lugging four pots of herb plants with me-- two pots of basil, one pot of oregano, and one pot of ginseng.
there was a garden fair at the Mall and i finally gave in to my lifelong dream of starting a garden of my own, with these herbs for a start.
now that i have more time for my self and my life is my own again, i want to start a garden and finally learn how to cook this year. : )
what better way to build two nests in one tree (i hate "two birds with one stone"--it is too cruel and violent!) than start with herbs i can tend and nurture, and herbs i can use for learning how to cook different types of pasta dishes!
what about the ginseng?
i know there are jokes about it for improving one's sex life... heehee... but ginseng is also good for hair growth, you know.
anyway, for me, it will be for its healing and regenerative properties.
so many years ago, i attended this week-long basic ESP seminar, and on the last night of the session which was highlighted with a spoon-bending exercise, i was one of the few five people who were able to do so with our minds. and we all shared a common experience, the feeling of a rush of heat from the top of our heads, down our neck and shoulders and arms... which we then used to "caress" the spoon into bending with just a tap or two...
anyway, the whole point of the exercise was not really to bend spoons with one's mind, the trainer informed us, but to find out whether we had the gift for healing. the rush of heat is one manifestation. and he encouraged us to use and develop our gift for good.
so that's what the ginseng is for.
the improved sex life would just be a fringe benefit. : )
there was a garden fair at the Mall and i finally gave in to my lifelong dream of starting a garden of my own, with these herbs for a start.
now that i have more time for my self and my life is my own again, i want to start a garden and finally learn how to cook this year. : )
what better way to build two nests in one tree (i hate "two birds with one stone"--it is too cruel and violent!) than start with herbs i can tend and nurture, and herbs i can use for learning how to cook different types of pasta dishes!
what about the ginseng?
i know there are jokes about it for improving one's sex life... heehee... but ginseng is also good for hair growth, you know.
anyway, for me, it will be for its healing and regenerative properties.
so many years ago, i attended this week-long basic ESP seminar, and on the last night of the session which was highlighted with a spoon-bending exercise, i was one of the few five people who were able to do so with our minds. and we all shared a common experience, the feeling of a rush of heat from the top of our heads, down our neck and shoulders and arms... which we then used to "caress" the spoon into bending with just a tap or two...
anyway, the whole point of the exercise was not really to bend spoons with one's mind, the trainer informed us, but to find out whether we had the gift for healing. the rush of heat is one manifestation. and he encouraged us to use and develop our gift for good.
so that's what the ginseng is for.
the improved sex life would just be a fringe benefit. : )
Saturday, June 11, 2005
shy dance
tentatively
you reach
for my hand again
while i
tentatively
only barely
touch your fingertips
acknowledging
your need
yet also
protecting
my fears
of dancing
a dance
where partners
never stay for long
even before
the music
stops.
you reach
for my hand again
while i
tentatively
only barely
touch your fingertips
acknowledging
your need
yet also
protecting
my fears
of dancing
a dance
where partners
never stay for long
even before
the music
stops.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Free
i received a surprise visit from the ex today, the surprise mostly coming from the fact that he finally dared to enter the house in my presence. he usually just stops by the gate and relays whatever messages he has for me through the maid.
today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:
...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.
Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.
SO ORDERED.
Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.
*****
thirteen years to the very day.
today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:
...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.
Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.
SO ORDERED.
Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.
*****
thirteen years to the very day.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Milk and Honey Cleopatra
i couldn't resist it. i had my special treat for my self all planned for the day; i've been dreaming about it for weeks since i submitted my official resignation letter last january, but when it came to making it real at last, i couldn't resist one more extra treat-- a milk and honey full body scrub and body wrap!!!
it wrecked my budget but what the heck, i deserve it after 4 years of slaving, serving other people's needs!
when i checked into the spa, this ad for their new service caught my eye. and all i was thinking of was, hmmmm.... i wonder how Cleopatra felt?
now i have an idea. heehee.
i left the spa at 7pm last night, skin all so soft and rosy, smelling of lavender, milk and honey, me feeling languid and sexy and beautiful... and so moist and so in the mood.... : D
and Cleopatra did it every day, didn't she?
it wrecked my budget but what the heck, i deserve it after 4 years of slaving, serving other people's needs!
when i checked into the spa, this ad for their new service caught my eye. and all i was thinking of was, hmmmm.... i wonder how Cleopatra felt?
now i have an idea. heehee.
i left the spa at 7pm last night, skin all so soft and rosy, smelling of lavender, milk and honey, me feeling languid and sexy and beautiful... and so moist and so in the mood.... : D
and Cleopatra did it every day, didn't she?
Monday, May 30, 2005
Something Good
Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me,
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me,
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Life and Love 101
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."
what more can I say? that line from Moulin Rouge says it all.
: ) : ) : )
well... there's that other beautiful line i memorized from The Notebook, too:
"The best kind of love is the kind that satisfies the soul."
: ) : ) : )
what more can I say? that line from Moulin Rouge says it all.
: ) : ) : )
well... there's that other beautiful line i memorized from The Notebook, too:
"The best kind of love is the kind that satisfies the soul."
: ) : ) : )
Monday, May 16, 2005
Stray Finds Home
... that's how im feeling these days, belonging to someone's heart at last, someone who openly welcomes me and knows me--mind, heart and soul-- and celebrates me just for being who i am...
and strangely... i don't feel the need to go on my little "adventures" anymore, to keep proving to my self how good and desirable i am, even if only for temporary joys. now that i am in the presence of something that feels eternal... i feel both awed and humbled, and i feel like wanting to always be on my best behavior, to not do anything to tarnish or spoil it, as much as i can.
... so this is home, huh.
and strangely... i don't feel the need to go on my little "adventures" anymore, to keep proving to my self how good and desirable i am, even if only for temporary joys. now that i am in the presence of something that feels eternal... i feel both awed and humbled, and i feel like wanting to always be on my best behavior, to not do anything to tarnish or spoil it, as much as i can.
... so this is home, huh.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Kahlil Gibran's Advice
And think not you can direct the course of love, for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs you in its Path.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
My Inner Work, My Hard Work
i first took this test on feb. 21, 2004, and retook the test again this year, on feb. 26, 2005.
it is in Rinatta Paries' website on what it takes to have true love in your life, and thus, the test is aptly named as the True Love Magnet Quiz. it lists down 10 key areas one needs to work on to prepare one's self for true love. each area or section has 10 statements (with only Section 2 having 11 statements) and you are asked to mark as honestly as you can which statements are currently true for you. total perfect score is, of course, 101. the statements which are not yet true for you are the statements or areas of your life and growth that you need to work on:
*************************************************
Section 1. Letting Go of the Past: Have You Moved On?*************************************************
I do not often think of my past relationship partners
I hold no anger or resentment toward any of my past partners
I have forgiven each of my past relationship partners
I am not hoping to reconnect with past relationship partners
I am not angry or resentful at the opposite gender
I do not make sweeping statements about how the opposite gender is or isn't
I do not look down at, am not jealous or angry at the same gender
I have forgiven myself for past relationship mistakes and choices
I do not talk to myself badly about what I did in the past
I am grateful for my past relationships — they helped make me who I am today
******************************************************
Section 2. Your Needs: Can You Handle Them on Your Own?******************************************************
I know everyone has needs, including me.
I know I have needs and it is vital for them to be met.
I know that someone I just met can't meet my needs.
I know my key needs.
My top three needs get met everyday, by me.
I know the difference between healthy needs and being needy.
I recognize which situations set me up to feel needy.
I practice great self-care when I feel needy.
I consistently take great care of myself, all the time.
I have a spiritual solution to some of my needs.
I get my needs met by me and friends/family.
**************************************************
Section 3. Strong Boundaries: Can You Maintain Them?**************************************************
I can say "no" when I need to.
It's important for me to have boundaries to protect me.
I know clearly what my boundaries are.
I do not let people cross my boundaries.
I have a way of setting boundaries that does not offend or push people away.
I make sure I am heard when setting my boundaries.
I am being supportive of other people when I set boundaries.
I am the most important person in my life.
I gently but effectively educate people about my boundaries.
I respect and honor others' boundaries.
****************************************************
Section 4. Past Relationship Patterns: Do You Know Yours?****************************************************
I know my relationship patterns.
I know where these patterns came from.
I know the type of partners I tend to attract to play out my patterns.
I know what I used to do to attract this type of person.
I know what I usually do to keep this person in the relationship.
I know what the costs have been of playing out my relationship patterns.
I know what I got out of being in these relationships.
I have discovered what I must have thought about myself to play out my old relationship patterns.
I have discovered what I must have believed about relationships, given the relationships I was in.
I understand and know all of the above so well, I can no longer do any of it (Hurray for you!)
*****************************************************
Section 5. New Relationship Patterns: Who is Good for You?*****************************************************
I quickly recognize the types of partners I was attracted to in the past.
I recognize and can dismiss the attraction I feel toward past like-partners.
I recognize available people.
I recognize people on a spiritual path.
I recognize people in the process of growth.
I recognize kind people.
I see people for who they are rather than for who I want them to be.
I am attracted to partners who will be good for me.
I surround myself with people who are good for me.
I have numerous role models of good relationships around me.
***************************************************
Section 6. Right Mate and Relationship: Identifying Needs
***************************************************
I have defined what I need from a partner in order to thrive in a relationship.
I have defined what behaviors/qualities/habits are important to me living day-to-day with a partner.
I have identified five relationship needs to absolutely be met by my partner.
I have defined what I value above all else in a partner — the one quality I must have.
I have defined what I can't live without in a relationship.
I have defined the worst thing(s) a partner could do to me.
I have defined what I absolutely won't tolerate.
I have dropped all demands on another that I don't demand of myself.
I am willing to be in the process of growth with a partner.
I am not willing to settle for a person who does not have the qualities most important to me.
******************************************
Section 7. Social Life: Is Yours Enough Fun?
******************************************
I engage only in activities that bring me great pleasure and joy.
I no longer engage in activities to meet a partner.
I participate for the sake of fun.
I am being me at all times in all situations.
I never use sexuality, power, or money to attract partners — I let them be attracted to all of me.
I don't expect everyone to be attracted to me.
I no longer require attention from everyone.
I don't compare myself to others.
I readily participate in activities rather than sitting at home.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends.
I am building a healthy, vibrant, loving community.
******************************************
Section 8. Your Life: How Meaningful Is It?
******************************************
I have dreams and goals for my life, with or without a partner.
I am working on achieving some of my life dreams and goals.
I am living my life to the fullest.
I know what work makes my soul sing and I am doing it or working on creating it.
I know what my life purpose is or I am working on figuring it out.
I know what I contribute to others or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how I want to spend my life or I am working on figuring it out.
I know where and how I want to live or I am working on figuring it out.
I know the legacy I want to leave behind or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how to give my life purpose whether or not I am in a relationship.
*******************************************************
Section 9. Spirituality: Is Yours Strong Enough to Sustain You?*******************************************************
I have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I have my own spiritual practice.
I take some time for silence and/or meditation every day.
I am in touch with my intuition.
I can distinguish intuition from other thoughts and feelings.
I can trust my intuition.
I know when to take steps and when to wait things out.
I am not in a rush to be in a relationship — I have time.
I know I will attract the right partner into my life at the right time.
I am truly happy and living a full life.
******************************************************
Section 10. New Dating Patterns: How to Build a Relationship
******************************************************
Woman: I allow men to pursue me; Man: I am comfortable initiating a relationship.
I don't do provocative flirting early in a relationship.
I do not get intimate until I am in a committed relationship.
I get to know the person slowly and initially limit time together.
I spend much more time courting in person that I do by phone or email.
I am myself in the dating process, I don't pretend to be better than I am ordinarily.
I am clear about how I want and don't want to be treated and I communicate this info.
I do not test my partner — if I am wondering about something, I ask.
I am in a relationship without hope of changing/improving my partner.
Instead of feeling anxious or stressed about where the relationship is going, I have fun.
when i first took the test, my score was 75, which was the minimum score for being "ready for true love". still, the test was an eye-opener for me about certain areas of my life that have been blocking me, as well as certain aspects of my self which should be outgrown.
in the first half of the year, i mainly worked on forgiving the ex and the past and letting go and moving on, which was the hardest struggle, especially when you feel you have every right to hold on to your justified hurts. the other early struggle for me was learning to set and respect my own boundaries, as i had problems before of saying "no" to people, especially those i loved. interestingly, during this phase, i had the meanest skirmishes with the ex, as well as i met new people in my life who were very domineering and manipulative although they were also very attractive and compelling. just when i decided on what the lessons i needed to learn were, i meet the people and circumstances that forced me to learn and immediately apply those lessons fast! the C-Theory again, at work huh... : )
the next challenge for me was learning how to handle my own needs and take care of my self, and not expect any specific person to do those for me. so i learned to "nurture my own garden, nourish my own soul" in the many special and self-pleasuring ways that had meaning for me. this also included rebuilding and nurturing relationships with my family (whom ive been estranged from when i married the ex against their wishes) and friends, and expanding my joys and building a social life of my own, as a solo person going to concerts and museums and parties and enjoying my self at the same time. a happy consequence of this lesson is i found i had more strength, less resentment, more joy and love to give, and people invariably gravitated to me for friendship, fun and comfort. it's a good thing that by this time, i had already learned the basics of setting and protecting my boundaries, so i wasn't torn willy-nilly by any and all who sought my friendship and company.
right now, though, i find that i am still struggling with the lessons right smack in the middle of the test-- being more conscious of past relationship patterns and growing towards healthier ways of relating, particularly in terms of lessening my attraction for the types who used to (and still do) hold power over me: the charming, sweet-talking types who become emotionally aloof when the relationship becomes more intimate in just more ways than the physical. in other words, learning how to grow towards becoming more attracted to the more available ones in the fullest sense of the word, the ones who are honest and kind and good and open and willing to do the work of loving and being loved.
the other major challenge, for me, i guess, is on forming new dating patterns, especially in terms of not getting physically intimate too soon. i've always had a passionate nature, and when i find one i want--whether it be a book, food, a piece of clothing, or a lover-- i go for it, to hell with the rest. now i am reconsidering that, seriously thinking that maybe i should "calibrate" my passion in that department, and learn to wait for the right timing. because i have been finding out, to my chagrin, the experiences described of Angela in the blog below... : ( (blush, blush!!! )
i am clearer about who i am and what i want and the kind of partner i want to have now, so it is not such a struggle for me anymore. thankfully, even in that first test i took, i scored perfectly in Sections 8 (life's meaningfulness) and 9 (spirituality), which i think have been the major strong foundations of my life, despite my confusion and struggles in other areas.
the last time i took the test in february this year, i scored 95, twenty points more than last year. with all the work i have been doing, those are hard-earned and well-deserved twenty precious points indeed!!!
*****
i hope and pray, though, that i get to my True Love soon.
i want something real now.
it is in Rinatta Paries' website on what it takes to have true love in your life, and thus, the test is aptly named as the True Love Magnet Quiz. it lists down 10 key areas one needs to work on to prepare one's self for true love. each area or section has 10 statements (with only Section 2 having 11 statements) and you are asked to mark as honestly as you can which statements are currently true for you. total perfect score is, of course, 101. the statements which are not yet true for you are the statements or areas of your life and growth that you need to work on:
*************************************************
Section 1. Letting Go of the Past: Have You Moved On?*************************************************
I do not often think of my past relationship partners
I hold no anger or resentment toward any of my past partners
I have forgiven each of my past relationship partners
I am not hoping to reconnect with past relationship partners
I am not angry or resentful at the opposite gender
I do not make sweeping statements about how the opposite gender is or isn't
I do not look down at, am not jealous or angry at the same gender
I have forgiven myself for past relationship mistakes and choices
I do not talk to myself badly about what I did in the past
I am grateful for my past relationships — they helped make me who I am today
******************************************************
Section 2. Your Needs: Can You Handle Them on Your Own?******************************************************
I know everyone has needs, including me.
I know I have needs and it is vital for them to be met.
I know that someone I just met can't meet my needs.
I know my key needs.
My top three needs get met everyday, by me.
I know the difference between healthy needs and being needy.
I recognize which situations set me up to feel needy.
I practice great self-care when I feel needy.
I consistently take great care of myself, all the time.
I have a spiritual solution to some of my needs.
I get my needs met by me and friends/family.
**************************************************
Section 3. Strong Boundaries: Can You Maintain Them?**************************************************
I can say "no" when I need to.
It's important for me to have boundaries to protect me.
I know clearly what my boundaries are.
I do not let people cross my boundaries.
I have a way of setting boundaries that does not offend or push people away.
I make sure I am heard when setting my boundaries.
I am being supportive of other people when I set boundaries.
I am the most important person in my life.
I gently but effectively educate people about my boundaries.
I respect and honor others' boundaries.
****************************************************
Section 4. Past Relationship Patterns: Do You Know Yours?****************************************************
I know my relationship patterns.
I know where these patterns came from.
I know the type of partners I tend to attract to play out my patterns.
I know what I used to do to attract this type of person.
I know what I usually do to keep this person in the relationship.
I know what the costs have been of playing out my relationship patterns.
I know what I got out of being in these relationships.
I have discovered what I must have thought about myself to play out my old relationship patterns.
I have discovered what I must have believed about relationships, given the relationships I was in.
I understand and know all of the above so well, I can no longer do any of it (Hurray for you!)
*****************************************************
Section 5. New Relationship Patterns: Who is Good for You?*****************************************************
I quickly recognize the types of partners I was attracted to in the past.
I recognize and can dismiss the attraction I feel toward past like-partners.
I recognize available people.
I recognize people on a spiritual path.
I recognize people in the process of growth.
I recognize kind people.
I see people for who they are rather than for who I want them to be.
I am attracted to partners who will be good for me.
I surround myself with people who are good for me.
I have numerous role models of good relationships around me.
***************************************************
Section 6. Right Mate and Relationship: Identifying Needs
***************************************************
I have defined what I need from a partner in order to thrive in a relationship.
I have defined what behaviors/qualities/habits are important to me living day-to-day with a partner.
I have identified five relationship needs to absolutely be met by my partner.
I have defined what I value above all else in a partner — the one quality I must have.
I have defined what I can't live without in a relationship.
I have defined the worst thing(s) a partner could do to me.
I have defined what I absolutely won't tolerate.
I have dropped all demands on another that I don't demand of myself.
I am willing to be in the process of growth with a partner.
I am not willing to settle for a person who does not have the qualities most important to me.
******************************************
Section 7. Social Life: Is Yours Enough Fun?
******************************************
I engage only in activities that bring me great pleasure and joy.
I no longer engage in activities to meet a partner.
I participate for the sake of fun.
I am being me at all times in all situations.
I never use sexuality, power, or money to attract partners — I let them be attracted to all of me.
I don't expect everyone to be attracted to me.
I no longer require attention from everyone.
I don't compare myself to others.
I readily participate in activities rather than sitting at home.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends.
I am building a healthy, vibrant, loving community.
******************************************
Section 8. Your Life: How Meaningful Is It?
******************************************
I have dreams and goals for my life, with or without a partner.
I am working on achieving some of my life dreams and goals.
I am living my life to the fullest.
I know what work makes my soul sing and I am doing it or working on creating it.
I know what my life purpose is or I am working on figuring it out.
I know what I contribute to others or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how I want to spend my life or I am working on figuring it out.
I know where and how I want to live or I am working on figuring it out.
I know the legacy I want to leave behind or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how to give my life purpose whether or not I am in a relationship.
*******************************************************
Section 9. Spirituality: Is Yours Strong Enough to Sustain You?*******************************************************
I have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I have my own spiritual practice.
I take some time for silence and/or meditation every day.
I am in touch with my intuition.
I can distinguish intuition from other thoughts and feelings.
I can trust my intuition.
I know when to take steps and when to wait things out.
I am not in a rush to be in a relationship — I have time.
I know I will attract the right partner into my life at the right time.
I am truly happy and living a full life.
******************************************************
Section 10. New Dating Patterns: How to Build a Relationship
******************************************************
Woman: I allow men to pursue me; Man: I am comfortable initiating a relationship.
I don't do provocative flirting early in a relationship.
I do not get intimate until I am in a committed relationship.
I get to know the person slowly and initially limit time together.
I spend much more time courting in person that I do by phone or email.
I am myself in the dating process, I don't pretend to be better than I am ordinarily.
I am clear about how I want and don't want to be treated and I communicate this info.
I do not test my partner — if I am wondering about something, I ask.
I am in a relationship without hope of changing/improving my partner.
Instead of feeling anxious or stressed about where the relationship is going, I have fun.
when i first took the test, my score was 75, which was the minimum score for being "ready for true love". still, the test was an eye-opener for me about certain areas of my life that have been blocking me, as well as certain aspects of my self which should be outgrown.
in the first half of the year, i mainly worked on forgiving the ex and the past and letting go and moving on, which was the hardest struggle, especially when you feel you have every right to hold on to your justified hurts. the other early struggle for me was learning to set and respect my own boundaries, as i had problems before of saying "no" to people, especially those i loved. interestingly, during this phase, i had the meanest skirmishes with the ex, as well as i met new people in my life who were very domineering and manipulative although they were also very attractive and compelling. just when i decided on what the lessons i needed to learn were, i meet the people and circumstances that forced me to learn and immediately apply those lessons fast! the C-Theory again, at work huh... : )
the next challenge for me was learning how to handle my own needs and take care of my self, and not expect any specific person to do those for me. so i learned to "nurture my own garden, nourish my own soul" in the many special and self-pleasuring ways that had meaning for me. this also included rebuilding and nurturing relationships with my family (whom ive been estranged from when i married the ex against their wishes) and friends, and expanding my joys and building a social life of my own, as a solo person going to concerts and museums and parties and enjoying my self at the same time. a happy consequence of this lesson is i found i had more strength, less resentment, more joy and love to give, and people invariably gravitated to me for friendship, fun and comfort. it's a good thing that by this time, i had already learned the basics of setting and protecting my boundaries, so i wasn't torn willy-nilly by any and all who sought my friendship and company.
right now, though, i find that i am still struggling with the lessons right smack in the middle of the test-- being more conscious of past relationship patterns and growing towards healthier ways of relating, particularly in terms of lessening my attraction for the types who used to (and still do) hold power over me: the charming, sweet-talking types who become emotionally aloof when the relationship becomes more intimate in just more ways than the physical. in other words, learning how to grow towards becoming more attracted to the more available ones in the fullest sense of the word, the ones who are honest and kind and good and open and willing to do the work of loving and being loved.
the other major challenge, for me, i guess, is on forming new dating patterns, especially in terms of not getting physically intimate too soon. i've always had a passionate nature, and when i find one i want--whether it be a book, food, a piece of clothing, or a lover-- i go for it, to hell with the rest. now i am reconsidering that, seriously thinking that maybe i should "calibrate" my passion in that department, and learn to wait for the right timing. because i have been finding out, to my chagrin, the experiences described of Angela in the blog below... : ( (blush, blush!!! )
i am clearer about who i am and what i want and the kind of partner i want to have now, so it is not such a struggle for me anymore. thankfully, even in that first test i took, i scored perfectly in Sections 8 (life's meaningfulness) and 9 (spirituality), which i think have been the major strong foundations of my life, despite my confusion and struggles in other areas.
the last time i took the test in february this year, i scored 95, twenty points more than last year. with all the work i have been doing, those are hard-earned and well-deserved twenty precious points indeed!!!
*****
i hope and pray, though, that i get to my True Love soon.
i want something real now.
What It Takes
from another subscription newsletter email sent to me March 19, 2004 yet, but which i kept in my email folders and am reviewing again now:
Most people think once they meet the right partner they will automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right tools for the job.
Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn'tyet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms. Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps she hasn't even given any thought to what he should do. He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared. She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.
Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling --coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the long-term partnership he desires.
Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman. Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost from the start. Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her, and ask her out, often. But they don't stick around to be in a relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now she really wants a long-term relationship. Unfortunately she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before. She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the wrong tools for the job.
She doesn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how manyof these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts.
* Build a friendship
* Go slowly
* Wait to be physically intimate until all what's below is done
* Find out if the person you are with is compatible with you in the following ways:
- emotionally
- intellectually
- physically - you are both attracted to each other
* Find out whether the person wants the same type of relationship future as you want:
fling/see what happens/long term relationship/marriage with kids/no kids if you both want a marriage in your future
*Compare communication styles to see if they are complimentary and compatible
* Make sure your values, belief systems and lifestyle mesh with each other
* Have many long conversations about how you both envision your ideal relationship and work out a model or vision that fits both of you
* Work on and grow yourselves and each other emotionally and in your capacity to be close and to love
* Fall in love and live happily ever after
cRinatta Paries, WhatItTakes.com
Most people think once they meet the right partner they will automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right tools for the job.
Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn'tyet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms. Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps she hasn't even given any thought to what he should do. He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared. She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.
Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling --coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the long-term partnership he desires.
Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman. Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost from the start. Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her, and ask her out, often. But they don't stick around to be in a relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now she really wants a long-term relationship. Unfortunately she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before. She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the wrong tools for the job.
She doesn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how manyof these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts.
* Build a friendship
* Go slowly
* Wait to be physically intimate until all what's below is done
* Find out if the person you are with is compatible with you in the following ways:
- emotionally
- intellectually
- physically - you are both attracted to each other
* Find out whether the person wants the same type of relationship future as you want:
fling/see what happens/long term relationship/marriage with kids/no kids if you both want a marriage in your future
*Compare communication styles to see if they are complimentary and compatible
* Make sure your values, belief systems and lifestyle mesh with each other
* Have many long conversations about how you both envision your ideal relationship and work out a model or vision that fits both of you
* Work on and grow yourselves and each other emotionally and in your capacity to be close and to love
* Fall in love and live happily ever after
cRinatta Paries, WhatItTakes.com
Friday, May 06, 2005
Amen!
'just got this from a subscription newsletter email today:
What Do Men Think?
In celebration of Single Mother's Month, Yahoo! Personals polled our single men to find out why single moms make great dates, better potential mates, and are super sexy! Here, Raymond, David, Morgan, Deshae, Will and Ed provide their top reasons to date a single mom:
Top 10 Reasons for Dating a Single Mom, According to Yahoo! Personals Men:
1. You already know they're strong because they have to handle the responsibilities of single parenthood.
2. There is nothing like a Mother. She is a woman that is responsible and focused on life. She knows what she wants out of life and will not sacrifice the happiness of her child for just any man. So, if she decides to date you, feel lucky.
3. Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!
4. A single mom isn't just filling time dating — she's had to make a choice to do something for herself while fulfilling the full-time responsibility of being a mom. For a man seeking a real and lasting relationship, this is ideal.
5. They appreciate quality not quantity of time. It isn't always an option to see someone everyday, so making sure the time together is of value is important.
6. Single moms are more open to long-term relationships. For single dads that are also looking for a romantic relationship, it is ideal to date someone with the same end goals.
7. They're done being a "party girl" and tend to be more selective and thoughtful in their approach to dating. With single moms, we know our romantic relationship is valued and not just part of a series of meaningless dates or something that stems from the fear of being alone.
8. You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.
9. Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.
10. They realize what it costs to raise a family — and don't require flashy dates. They are impressed more by substance than a big price tag both in dating and in life.*
An extra bonus of dating a single mom — they make great Mac-n-Cheese!
*****
don't count on me for the Mac-n-Cheese though. i have yet to learn how to cook! but i have been told im a fast learner, especially with a really good teacher... heeheehee.
advance happy Mothers' Day to all mothers everywhere!!!
: )
What Do Men Think?
In celebration of Single Mother's Month, Yahoo! Personals polled our single men to find out why single moms make great dates, better potential mates, and are super sexy! Here, Raymond, David, Morgan, Deshae, Will and Ed provide their top reasons to date a single mom:
Top 10 Reasons for Dating a Single Mom, According to Yahoo! Personals Men:
1. You already know they're strong because they have to handle the responsibilities of single parenthood.
2. There is nothing like a Mother. She is a woman that is responsible and focused on life. She knows what she wants out of life and will not sacrifice the happiness of her child for just any man. So, if she decides to date you, feel lucky.
3. Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!
4. A single mom isn't just filling time dating — she's had to make a choice to do something for herself while fulfilling the full-time responsibility of being a mom. For a man seeking a real and lasting relationship, this is ideal.
5. They appreciate quality not quantity of time. It isn't always an option to see someone everyday, so making sure the time together is of value is important.
6. Single moms are more open to long-term relationships. For single dads that are also looking for a romantic relationship, it is ideal to date someone with the same end goals.
7. They're done being a "party girl" and tend to be more selective and thoughtful in their approach to dating. With single moms, we know our romantic relationship is valued and not just part of a series of meaningless dates or something that stems from the fear of being alone.
8. You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.
9. Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.
10. They realize what it costs to raise a family — and don't require flashy dates. They are impressed more by substance than a big price tag both in dating and in life.*
An extra bonus of dating a single mom — they make great Mac-n-Cheese!
*****
don't count on me for the Mac-n-Cheese though. i have yet to learn how to cook! but i have been told im a fast learner, especially with a really good teacher... heeheehee.
advance happy Mothers' Day to all mothers everywhere!!!
: )
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Applying the C-Theory to Love
before anything else, let me make two things clear:
1. this is not a kiss-and-tell blog;
2. i don't have as many boyfriends or lovers that people who read my blogs seem to get an impression of.
when i start really liking a person and becoming very attracted to him, and even he to me-- that doesn't make him my bf, at least not in my vocabulary.
he is still just a friend, although a friend who has become special. a bf, for me, is somebody really serious--somebody im not only mutually in love with, but also somebody i have an expressed understanding to be mutually exclusive with and somebody i make plans with about a near future, at least.
so okay? this is just a blog about people who have touched my heart. the few people i have become really really intimate with in more ways, are less than the five pretty fingers of one of my pair of lovely hands!
that being made clear, here goes my application of The C-Theory to my search for true love... :)
*****
1. Ask and you shall receive - Express your desire.
after the ex-- who was the only one till after i left the marriage--all i knew was next time, i wanted something True. and true, for me, then, meant something close to what i didn't get in the marriage-- loving attention, respect, somebody listening to and engaging my heart and my mind, and appreciating who i am as a person and as a woman.
but i see now, that in the past 3 years, i have mostly been engaged in Step Two.
2. Seek, and you shall find. - Educate your self on what you really desire.
oh, how the people who have touched my heart since then-- although they were not the True Love i thought i desired (or are maybe still on their way to becoming my True Love) --gave me such a rich and thorough education!!!
mainly, from being with them for a brief time, i learned more and more about what i didn't want too, another way of teaching me to refine and redefine for my self further what i truly wanted--
(original post for this part deleted; im sorry some people were hurt...)
... and so on, and so forth...
so, in a way, my list has been further refined. in addition to my initial list, he must also be:
1. mature and self-responsible
2. positive about life
3. emotionally and geographically and physically and legally available : )
-- but basically, somebody with a good mind, a good heart and a fine spirit, somebody kind and honest and loving, and who loves me fully as much as i will love him and who wants to share all and the rest of his life with me as much as i want to share mine with him!
whew!
3. knock, and the door shall be opened. - i feel i will come to this part soon. i hope i will come to this part soon.
but maybe, my preparation is not finished yet.
for sure, my education is not over yet.
sigh...!!!
1. this is not a kiss-and-tell blog;
2. i don't have as many boyfriends or lovers that people who read my blogs seem to get an impression of.
when i start really liking a person and becoming very attracted to him, and even he to me-- that doesn't make him my bf, at least not in my vocabulary.
he is still just a friend, although a friend who has become special. a bf, for me, is somebody really serious--somebody im not only mutually in love with, but also somebody i have an expressed understanding to be mutually exclusive with and somebody i make plans with about a near future, at least.
so okay? this is just a blog about people who have touched my heart. the few people i have become really really intimate with in more ways, are less than the five pretty fingers of one of my pair of lovely hands!
that being made clear, here goes my application of The C-Theory to my search for true love... :)
*****
1. Ask and you shall receive - Express your desire.
after the ex-- who was the only one till after i left the marriage--all i knew was next time, i wanted something True. and true, for me, then, meant something close to what i didn't get in the marriage-- loving attention, respect, somebody listening to and engaging my heart and my mind, and appreciating who i am as a person and as a woman.
but i see now, that in the past 3 years, i have mostly been engaged in Step Two.
2. Seek, and you shall find. - Educate your self on what you really desire.
oh, how the people who have touched my heart since then-- although they were not the True Love i thought i desired (or are maybe still on their way to becoming my True Love) --gave me such a rich and thorough education!!!
mainly, from being with them for a brief time, i learned more and more about what i didn't want too, another way of teaching me to refine and redefine for my self further what i truly wanted--
(original post for this part deleted; im sorry some people were hurt...)
... and so on, and so forth...
so, in a way, my list has been further refined. in addition to my initial list, he must also be:
1. mature and self-responsible
2. positive about life
3. emotionally and geographically and physically and legally available : )
-- but basically, somebody with a good mind, a good heart and a fine spirit, somebody kind and honest and loving, and who loves me fully as much as i will love him and who wants to share all and the rest of his life with me as much as i want to share mine with him!
whew!
3. knock, and the door shall be opened. - i feel i will come to this part soon. i hope i will come to this part soon.
but maybe, my preparation is not finished yet.
for sure, my education is not over yet.
sigh...!!!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Old Dreams, New Dreams
i was at the mall yesterday, having two butterfly biz documents printed at one of the computer shops there, as i ran out of printer ink and paper at home. while standing by their counter waiting for my documents to be printed, my elbow nudged a laminated tabletop ad for a beach and dive resort right here in our island, Negros, and that caught my attention.
i've always known we don't have particularly striking beaches near where i live but i've heard of good private beach and dive spots farther out in the island, although i didn't know of any particular place.
ever since i was 17 or so, when id watch my older boy cousin and his buddies from Cebu, stop over Bacolod and stay with us for a night or two, on their way to Boracay and other dive spots in the Visayas, and listen to them share excited stories of these underwater life that they saw, my secret dream to learn scuba diving someday was born.
but my life was not my own then. my father was too strict, didn't approve of going off on trips just for pleasure's sakes. besides, the sport is pretty expensive.
yet since the New Year, when i decided that this year is going to be my Year of Pleasures, going after what i loved and just seeing where following my joy takes me, that dream has been insistently resurrecting itself.
is it serendipity that soon after i made that decision and thought about my dream again, i met a new friend who taught scuba diving for a living? and then, later on, that i went on a number of trips which eventually took me to really wonderful beaches with nearby dive spots (Boracay, Tagaytay, Camiguin)?
it's almost as if my dream is beckoning to me more forcefully now, and this recent accidental discovery of this new yet uncommercialized beach and dive resort, right here in my own island, seems to be telling me i can't say no and hold it off any longer now. surfing their website further, i fell in love with the very scenic and virtually virgin-looking nature spots there, the colorful variety of underwater life, and even the many wrecks they listed in their site. someday, when im a good enough diver, id like to go on their Adventure Safari two-week trip, visiting a lot of lesser known caves and dive spots in little islands around the area.
so in my excitement, i signed their guestbook and emailed them for more information. an old dream has been resurrected, another thing to work hard for and to look forward to. i intend to be taking the kids with me there any time within this year. i figured i'd share more happy adventures with the kids again, doing and learning things together, carving out lifetime memories along the way.
do what you love, the money will follow... why does that title of a book suddenly come to mind? : )
*****
the other dream is a new dream, brought about by my growing discoveries of the joy of my own freedom and womanhood and womanly powers.
around March, i saw this ad for belly dancing lessons at that same mall, too, and Thea and i planned to enrol in one this summer. but, alas, life happened and got in the way of that dream, so i've postponed it until about July, when the busy-ness of my life usually settles down to a quiet manageable level.
i just think it's a graceful and sexy way to lose some unwanted little belly and hip fat, and now that i think of my scuba diving dream, a wonderful way for me to really flatten and firm up that area there so i could wear those teeny weeny bikinis at last! : )
it's magical how one dream ties into another so perfectly and i sense a pattern, a logic here that's leading me to more wonderful things!
i never knew life could be this fresh and exciting and so new, all over again, at 37!!!
i've always known we don't have particularly striking beaches near where i live but i've heard of good private beach and dive spots farther out in the island, although i didn't know of any particular place.
ever since i was 17 or so, when id watch my older boy cousin and his buddies from Cebu, stop over Bacolod and stay with us for a night or two, on their way to Boracay and other dive spots in the Visayas, and listen to them share excited stories of these underwater life that they saw, my secret dream to learn scuba diving someday was born.
but my life was not my own then. my father was too strict, didn't approve of going off on trips just for pleasure's sakes. besides, the sport is pretty expensive.
yet since the New Year, when i decided that this year is going to be my Year of Pleasures, going after what i loved and just seeing where following my joy takes me, that dream has been insistently resurrecting itself.
is it serendipity that soon after i made that decision and thought about my dream again, i met a new friend who taught scuba diving for a living? and then, later on, that i went on a number of trips which eventually took me to really wonderful beaches with nearby dive spots (Boracay, Tagaytay, Camiguin)?
it's almost as if my dream is beckoning to me more forcefully now, and this recent accidental discovery of this new yet uncommercialized beach and dive resort, right here in my own island, seems to be telling me i can't say no and hold it off any longer now. surfing their website further, i fell in love with the very scenic and virtually virgin-looking nature spots there, the colorful variety of underwater life, and even the many wrecks they listed in their site. someday, when im a good enough diver, id like to go on their Adventure Safari two-week trip, visiting a lot of lesser known caves and dive spots in little islands around the area.
so in my excitement, i signed their guestbook and emailed them for more information. an old dream has been resurrected, another thing to work hard for and to look forward to. i intend to be taking the kids with me there any time within this year. i figured i'd share more happy adventures with the kids again, doing and learning things together, carving out lifetime memories along the way.
do what you love, the money will follow... why does that title of a book suddenly come to mind? : )
*****
the other dream is a new dream, brought about by my growing discoveries of the joy of my own freedom and womanhood and womanly powers.
around March, i saw this ad for belly dancing lessons at that same mall, too, and Thea and i planned to enrol in one this summer. but, alas, life happened and got in the way of that dream, so i've postponed it until about July, when the busy-ness of my life usually settles down to a quiet manageable level.
i just think it's a graceful and sexy way to lose some unwanted little belly and hip fat, and now that i think of my scuba diving dream, a wonderful way for me to really flatten and firm up that area there so i could wear those teeny weeny bikinis at last! : )
it's magical how one dream ties into another so perfectly and i sense a pattern, a logic here that's leading me to more wonderful things!
i never knew life could be this fresh and exciting and so new, all over again, at 37!!!
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