Commitment

From LifeScript.com--

Have commitment issues ever caused problems in your relationships? Maybe you played tug of war with a partner who couldn’t commit to you on the level you needed. Or maybe you were the non-committing party in the relationship. Regardless of who was more devoted, chances are that the relationship didn’t grow to become something meaningful. A solid and healthy relationship cannot survive if the level of commitment is unbalanced. The only way to have a healthy relationship is for both partners to be equally committed – sounds obvious, right? But it’s not always so simple. Find out where fear of commitment stems from…

Committing yourself to another person can be an incredibly powerful and gratifying experience. You’re melding your life with someone else’s, for better or worse. There are few greater gifts in life that you can give the person you love. But commitment is nevertheless a risk you take, no matter how gung-ho you are about the person you want to marry. Every big decision in life isn’t made without anxiety, doubt and fear, especially one that implies such finality. It’s what makes the decision real – and there’s nothing more real than committing yourself to someone for life. So how do you really know when your fear of commitment is valid or when it’s just masking unreasonable fears?

Here are five common reasons for your fear of commitment:

1. You think forever is a long time

The thought of eternal togetherness makes you look at the concept of time in a whole different way. If it’s a life-long commitment you or your partner wants, you have to be able to visualize the future and the rest of your life together. This is the person you’ll grow old and grey with, the only person who you’ll ever be intimate with again. Think in terms of finality and be sure to separate whether it’s the actual person you can or can’t see yourself with or if it’s any of next few fears. Some people are commitment phobic because they know they’re with the wrong person. And there’s nothing wrong with that unless you continue to string that person along. Commitment should be viewed as having more to gain than lose, so don’t make any promises to someone who you can’t see your forever with.

2. You fear giving up your freedom

Single people value their freedom, and for many, especially for those who have been single for such a long time, a committed relationship threatens that freedom. Having to answer to another person might not sound that appealing because every decision you make will have to be with your partner in mind, and that seems stifling to many. However, making decisions for your partnership is what love and commitment is all about, and if you’re not willing to forgo a little bit of freedom, then you’re not ready for commitment.

3. Your other priorities are more important

Committing yourself to somebody in mind, body and soul just sounds like too much effort and pressure for you. It might feel like you have to put everything else aside. But maybe your other priorities in life just can’t be put on hold. If your priorities are time-consuming, like finishing school, caring for an ailing family member or getting situated financially, then commitment might not be in the cards for you right now. And that’s perfectly reasonable when you have to prioritize your life.

You have to be willing to put your needs ahead of your partner’s needs in a relationship, so make sure that you have your life straightened out before embarking on a serious relationship.

4. You fear betrayal

You’re never more vulnerable than you are when you’re in a committed relationship, especially marriage. Your vows represent your commitment to one another, but unfortunately these promises aren’t necessarily guarantees. When you fully give yourself to someone, you’re taking on the possibility that your partner may let you down, and that’s a terrifying prospect.

For some, the thought alone of being cheated on is enough to get them to never fully commit to one person, especially if they’ve been burned before. Commitment issues stemming from infidelity become a security blanket to never fully commit. That way, a betrayal won’t hurt as bad if your whole heart was never fully committed. You can never know for sure what a partner might do to you, but you can definitely hedge your bets by choosing someone with integrity and values, and dating him or her long enough to really know their character. In truth, you have to be able to trust your partner with your life.

5. You’re just not ready for it

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready for a commitment to someone. Sometimes it’s your circumstances, state of mind, age, other priorities, or all of these factors combined. Maybe you don’t think you’re worthy or capable of being one half of a successful relationship. If you feel you’re just not ready for it, then take some time out to be alone to learn more about yourself and discover what your needs and wants are for your relationships and out of life. By strengthening who you are as a person, you’ll strengthen a future relationship and your chances of a healthy and long-lasting relationship increase.

If your partner exhibits signs of commitment phobia through his or her words and actions, and you’re ready to commit, you may have to let go of the relationship in order to give yourself what you want and need. You can’t pressure anyone into a life decision as big as marriage and you certainly shouldn’t want to. Chances are that you’ll feel your partner’s trepidation, and despite the heartache that follows this rejection, you have to move on to do what’s best for you.

There’s nothing wrong with being ultimately incompatible, but there is a problem with hanging onto a relationship where there are evident signs of commitment phobia. If you know it will never go anywhere, let go now before you waste too much time.

If you’re the commitment-phobe, don’t ever commit to someone because you feel under pressure to make a decision or just want to please your partner. You have to be honest with what you want and expect out of your relationship. Sometimes it’s the person that’s not right for you and other times it’s your situation in general.

Overcoming fear of commitment will happen when you find the right person, put faith into the prospect of commitment and sift through your fearful emotions to get to the heart of why you want to commit in the first place. It’s OK to enter into a committed relationship with fears, but don’t avoid identifying and evaluating your fears so that you never have to take the plunge. You’d surely be missing out on the best that life has to offer when you give in to your fear of commitment.

Ebb Tides

there used to be a time when i would panic at the first sign of decrease... at the first signals of slackening... especially in close romantic relationships. i wanted all the highs without the lows... well, the lows too, but the emotional and dramatic kinds of lows, not the routine blah ones that normally accompany daily living and loving. i wanted the dance to last forever.

these days, though, i am learning to sensitively recognize and accept ebb tides gracefully, go with the flow and even ride them in peaceful, loving contemplation, welcoming the breathers, in fact, to temporarily withdraw and mend my own nets, nurture my own garden... knowing and trusting now that when the flood comes again, it can only be better, more transformative, deeper, bringing us even closer together.

these days, i find my self developing a wiser, more sober, more mature, but nonetheless even deeper kind of loving, the kind of loving that knows in time when to let go, and when to embrace, in tune, in step with the dance at last.

that psychological concept of the challenge between intimacy and independence that one must go through as a developmental task in adulthood; i think i am getting it right this time, balancing my and my loved one's needs for both, letting my self succumb to the natural rhythms without fear and anxiety now... well, there's still always that little feeling of dread and trepidation before the descent... but with more trust and grace and peacefulness and inner joy now.

i am also reminded now of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes' "Sleep of Trust" phase that she described in her book --

When lovers enter this state, they are surrendering to the forces within themselves, those that have trust, faith, and the profound power of innocence. In this spiritual sleep, the lover trusts that the works of his soul will be worked in him, that all will be as it should be. This lover sleeps the sleep of the wise instead of the wary.

His trust is not dependent on his lover not to hurt him. His is a trust that any wound that comes to him can be healed, a trust that new life follows old.

For love to thrive, the mate must trust that whatever will be, will be transformative.

this is where i am right now.

Relaxing Into Trust

it's a strange feeling-- relaxing, easing into TRUST, with a man now. it's a new feeling, a new way of being and behaving... and it takes some time getting used to, but i like it.

it is such a relief not having to keep all my fears and doubts and worries to my self, not having to second guess a man's every word or move, knowing that whatever it is that bothers me, i can just speak up and ask him about it, and he answers me promptly and straightforwardly, even to the point of being clumsily blunt, in his own lovable way, as if i were just his buddy. : ) and i am loving it!!!

i don't have to worry about whether he'd feel offended by my questions, or get mad even, or feel hurt that i don't trust him enough, because he has enough self-possession and self-confidence not to get shaken by my temporary losses of faith...

i don't have to second-guess his silences and his words, because he means what he says, and he says what he means, and i am learning to actually expect that now, instead of expecting to be stonewalled, ignored, or scolded and accused.

i don't have to hide with him, as everyone close to him in his life (his mom, his dad, his business partner, even his dad's Filipino employee, and his apartment tenant!) knows about me and is happy for him and me! of course, that goes the same for me and everyone close to me in my life too. : )

i can be my self, at last, and i can come out of hiding, as i was always meant to be, as i always deserved to be!

the more i heal into Trust again with my love, the more i realize how much i still needed a lot of healing, how the past has hurt and broken me so, and how it's time for me to stop licking my own wounds in the dark, but time now to expose it to the light, because the light is gentle and loving after all, not scorchingly diminishing....

if only for this, i thank God for M in my life now.

i am so still so awed, and humbled, at this Grace that has come upon me, at this time in my life.

Comes the Dawn

i first saw this poem in Danielle Steel's collection of Love poems, but my mom handwrote it for me on a sheet of bond paper many many years ago, when i was around 17 or 18, while she was having her own marriage troubles, and a year or two before she finally left...

recently, i've tried to find it in the Net, but what i find in the Net now is the original version by Judith Evans, or Veronica Shofftall (there is a debate as to who really wrote it).

i like this Danielle Steel version better and i'd like to keep it here for Net posterity, as the copy my mom gave me is now yellowed and tattered around the edges.

***

comes the dawn

after a while you learn
the subtle difference
between holding a hand
and sharing a life
and you learn that love
doesn't mean possession
and company
doesn't mean security
and loneliness is universal.
and you learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents
aren't promises.

so you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes open
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build your hope
on today
as the future has a way
of falling apart
in mid-flight.
because tomorrow's grounds
can be too uncertain for plans
yet
each step taken
in a new direction
creates a path
toward the promise
of a brighter dawn.

and you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

so you plant your own garden
and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone
to bring you flowers.

and you learn that love,
true love,
always has joys and sorrows
seems ever present
yet is never quite the same
becoming more than love
and less than love
so difficult to define.

and you learn
that through it all--
you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
that you do have value.

and you learn and grow
with every goodbye
you learn.

The Death Card

in response to my question in Tarot.com, i get this answer--

Trust that dramatic relationship changes such as these only happen according to divine appointment.

The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Death card in this position indicates the awesome challenge that death and rebirth present. Letting go is not easy, especially when we may be called upon to make a major shift in a potential relationship. Have faith that this change may benefit you more than clinging to the old ways would have. The farmer understands the truth of this card and the meaning of the sickle in the image. There is a time for everything: a time to plant, a time for things to grow and become fat, a time to harvest, a time for things to be cut back or lie fallow.

You may be dying to some part of your past. Accept the letting go of a possible relationship that needs to happen. Release your load. Is it possible that the attachments that have helped you feel secure have, in truth, come to own you? Accept this rebirth into better times. If fear of change or oblivion gets in your way, you may struggle to keep your morale up.

Goddess Treat

it got so bad yesterday, i wasn't only weepy and blue, dragging my heels, listless, unable to concentrate on anything else except him, i felt actually sick, sick with love!

well, at least, now i know how to quickly bring my self out of the dumps. i forced my self to shower, fix my self up, go out and drive to my favorite spa. unfortunately, the spa was closed. i forgot it was a Sunday. : (

so i did the other best thing-- on to the skin clinic for a Diamond Peel facial, and then on to the beauty salon for a complete hot oil, manicure, pedicure, foot spa and even eyebrow trim pampering!!!

i am feeling better today, more like my goddess self. thank Goddess! : )

then, too, his little comment from all my drama and sturm and drang and revelations of the depth of my feelings and passions for him, when i asked him to forget that i made them, made the emotional vortex all worth it-- "Forget? I found them cute."

ohhh, i am worse than a 17-year-old!!!

9

nine times. i have made love to him for 9 times, already, without his knowing it!

this is the first relationship i have ever been where the sexual undercurrent is not at the forefront; no overt sexual flirting and innuendos at all in our conversations, well a shy joke once or twice, but that's about it.

i can even begin to understand that line from that impossible song now, "to love, pure and chaste from afar..." : S

so yes, that's why this-- he, us, what we have-- is sooo precious.

but what to do with my growing and raging passions, aside from my already very sensual and sexual nature???

so on some days after really intense conversations and even heated debates about what we really want for our selves and for the future, about his work and my work, etc.... and when im feeling like he might be having too much of me already, i step back, keep quiet, give him time to “digest” me, and maybe miss me more... but keep my self "merged" to him in some way by doing this .... this "red" magic pleasuring.

heehee. : )

i have read somewhere long ago that this keeps you both united, beyond body, beyond words, where it really counts, despite the distance that temporarily keeps you apart. shhhhh.... : )

it keeps me sane, too, from this terrible terrible missing of him, and longing for him, and of loving him so!!!

i hope the 10th will be for real, though.

i am smoking so, i think i might actually die of spontaneous combustion!!!

sigh.

That "L" Word

i never had much trouble with it before, it seems. it always was spoken too soon, too easily, maybe in the haste to bring in intimacy where there was really none.

nowadays, though, with M... i am feeling like an awkward, gawking, bumbling teen-ager again, and i sense he feels the same. : ) it is almost cute, if it wasn't so torturous. : (

he mentions it indirectly... like he says his mom has fallen in love with me and is now counting the days to our marriage.... i mention it indirectly too, like i asked his mom when his exact birthtime was so we could match up our horoscopes and see if we are really soulmates, according to the stars...

then he lets it slip, as if carelessly, somewhere in a long email about everything and nothing at all... i respond back, by letting it slip, as if carelessly too, by saying "Love," instead of "Hugs," in signing my emails... and then... we go back to being friends again.

last friday was really something, though. in our desperate missing of each other, he finally said those three magical words, and i responded back in kind... only for us to be suddenly rendered wordless for 36 hours!

then, shyly, hesitantly again, we venture out of our shells, and pretend to just be on friendly terms again.

why is it, that now, when feelings run so deep they are scary, we are suddenly at a loss for telling each other how we really feel?

and for me at 38, him at 47, both of us writers and speakers, with Gemini (the sign of the communicator) prominent (his Sun, my Ascendant) in our charts!

imagine that.

Acts of Faith, and Miracles

i remember a line from the film, Under the Tuscan Sun-- "if you build the house, the occupants will come" -- which was similar to another line in the film, Field of Dreams -- "if you build the (baseball) diamond, the players will come"-- or something to that effect, and i marvel at how true they are in my life now.

a year and a half ago, i decided to stop "playing around" with short-term flings and little romances, because even if they were fun adventures, they were not doing any good to my mental, emotional and even physical health in the long run, with the risks i were taking. ive learned what i had to learn, i figured, "sowed my oats", so to speak, and so i thought it was time for me to settle down into my self, and give to me the loving that i sought elsewhere but never seemed to get, just love me and give to me and pamper me as i deserved, at last.

and so it went that as i got used to loving me just as i am, i met friends -- men and women -- who were also more of the giving types, not the taker types i used to be surrounded with before. and their friendships and nurturing further bolstered my sense of value, of feeling more deserving of true and good loving just as i am, without my having to do anything else to earn it or to pay for it.

a little over two months ago, i was introduced by an old college friend to a man whom i connected with so deeply and so soon, it brought that old girlhood dream and mantra... "soulmate"... back to life for me again.

im taking it slow this time, though... making sure i do it right this time. and surprisingly for me (i have been with men before who just pushed and rushed and insisted, never mind what i wanted or how i felt about things), he respects it and abides by it. our friendship's developing beautifully; he is like the amalgamation of all the other friends ive had over the past year and a half. he has introduced me to his mom, and his mom and i hit it off quick too. : ) he told me one time how "bizaare" his feelings for me are-- "i cannot imagine life without you in it, and yet you have just arrived in it!"

what never ceases to amaze me is, in addition to the fact of our quick and deep connection, his life circumstances are in such a way that they fit mine, and mine his, supporting each other's dreams, filling each other's little lacks.... oohhh, almost like a perfect fit. bizaare, indeed. one example is even before i met him, i resolved to my self that i will take a leave of absence from my day job by next schoolyear, to create space for my heart's true desires-- writing and reading and maybe even more travelling through the family business and my burgeoning speaking career. now, here comes a man who is not only very passionate about reading and writing (and his mom and only sister are writers too!) but a world traveler too, who is seeking to settle down at last yet still also wants to introduce me and my little ones to the places he has been! i still secretly glow from his solemn promise-- "someday, we will all travel, including your little treasures." : ) : ) : )

of course, one side of me says maybe it is still too early to know for sure, that time will tell. but so far, things have been growing beautifully, everyday miracles manifesting.

if not for anything else, what i love (we haven't spoken that L word yet...so hush...) most about this man is that he makes me laugh. even when he complains and rants about his day, without his meaning to, they always come out funny, and he just makes me laugh, and feel warm all over. i could live with someone who makes me laugh, no matter what, for the rest of my life!

: D

***

oohh, God, help me be worthy; God help me do it right this time!

my match

i may have found my match at last.

last night, we had our first big argument. i considered it a fight; he just considers it my venting.

so while i trembled and shook, in all fury, he took it all yet held his ground too, gently telling me where i was shooting off arrows off tangent, telling me how im hurting him... but holding his steadfast ground just the same. he didnt quake nor tremble as i did, or worse, break down himself from all my fuming. he just stayed there, held his ground, not so stoically, quite noisily too, but held his ground still.

for the first time, i didn't have to take care of another even as i spit fire. i was taken care of, instead.

i may have found my match at last.

Likened to "Maria"

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee;
Her dress has got a tear.

She waltzes on her way to mass,
And whistles on the stair

And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair.

I even heard her singing in the abbey.

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real.

She's always late for everything
Except for every meal!

I hate to have to say it but I very firmly feel--
Maria's not an asset to the abbey.

I like to say a word in her behalf--
Maria makes me laugh!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet, a will o the wisp, a clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her;
Many a thing she ought to understand.
But how do you make her stay,
And listen to all you say,
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused,
Out of focus and bemused,
And I never know exactly where I am.

Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather.

She's a darling, she's a demon, she's a lamb.

She'd outpester any pest,
Drive a hornet from its nest;
She can throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!

She is gentle, she is wild;
She's a riddle, she's a child;
She's a headache, she's an angel;
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet, a will o the wisp, a clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her;
Many a thing she ought to understand.
But how do you make her stay,
And listen to all you say,
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

mind games

244 emails
back and forth
in 47 days--
the dance began.

shy, at first,
tentative,
then with each step
emboldened,
surer, faster
quick-stepping
in unison,
rising
to a feverish pitch,
then we revealed
our hearts.

and then
i had to go away
for two days
or so i told you;
but i went away
in more than one way too:
seeking balance,
trying to find an even keel,
frightened by the speed--
"i want to do it right this time"--
only to come back
missing you
more than ever.

"hi, im back!"
is all a friend is just supposed to say
but my 909 words
betray me.

you
let 18 more hours pass
before you reply--
"id love to write to you so much
but it's bedtime.
so i will keep you in suspense."

18 words
for my 909.
: (

the dance has changed tune;
the mind games have begun.
i see it
i know it
i am even amused by it--
but i hate it
all the same.

i just so want to fall
but i must hold my self in check.
play my part
dance my discreet dance:
pulling you back
by pulling away
my self.

sigh.

The Wanderer

while rummaging through my old stuff, i found this little poem i wrote on March 3, 1988, three days after my 20th birthday. funny how it sounds like it's just been written now; held true for me then, still holds true for me now--

I am the wanderer
whom nobody owns
And owns nobody
but her self.

I am the wanderer
who has no home
but the hearts of those
she has come to kow
and the lives of those
she has come to touch.

I am the wanderer
who loves everybody
and whom everybody will love
because they must.

I am the wanderer
always searching
temporarily finding
then searching again.

I am the wanderer
born to be alone.

The Sin of Happiness

i watched Chocolat with thea late last saturday evening, and im glad i did. actually, a friend or two mentioned it to me more than two years ago, how i should watch it because it reminded them of me, but i never encountered the opportunity, or maybe it wasnt the right time yet, until now.

the film is beautiful, both in form and substance. the rustic French village and its people were charming, despite their being too uptight and standoffish, which only made the main female character, Vianne, more vibrant and alive.

i can understand the film intimately, now, as i have lived through most of what Vianne has lived through, too. i guess thea is right-- it is about me and my life and who i am, in many ways. : )

it's basically just being different, being made to feel out of place, in a world of hypocrisy and rules that stifle the spirit and silence the heart, and how following one's heart and spirit becomes the greatest sin of all for this kind of world, which does not even begin to recognize that this very "sin" is its own hope for salvation, and redemption.

dilemma

i loved him;
i love him
but
i have to take care
of me
and my little ones too.

time is not ours
yet
or ever.

i visit him
from time to time
to see
how he's doing
and to know
how he is...

how do you leave
and yet
still
take care of him
from afar?

what do you do
when you want
to do things right
as much as
you love someone
in a love
that cannot be?

seasons

a woman's life has its seasons...

has my eternal spring come?

heart breaks

how can one love (and be loved by) so fully and so fiercely, yet also need to be alone as passionately?

he thinks it is because of other people that i want to take space. he thinks.

let him believe in that if that helps him, even if the unfairness of that lie stings, and stinks.

i just want to be alone.

The Missing Piece

funny how i am suddenly reminded of a cartoon we watched in college, twenty years ago, in a Philosophy of Man class.

it was a film about a circle with a missing piece (which looked like a round rolling cake with one slice taken out), rolling along, trying to find its missing piece. it traveled many highways and byways, over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, to find its missing piece.

first it found a piece, but the piece was too small, so even as the circle tried to fit it into itself as it rolled along, the piece kept falling off. so the circle had to let go of the little piece.

then it found another piece, but it was too big, so as the circle tried to stuff it into itself, it couldn't move forward. it was a struggle between the big piece and the smaller circle with the missing piece; they pushed and pulled but to no avail. so in the end the circle had to let go of the big piece.

then it found still another piece. the pointed end of this third piece fit into the circle's missing part, but the third piece had jagged edges, and hurt the circle so, as it tried to roll along. travelling was painful, so in the end the circle had to let go of the third piece.

then finally, the circle found a piece which fit, perfectly. whichever way you looked at it, turned the circle this way and that, the piece fit-- not too loose, not too tight, not too uncomfortable. finally, the circle turned into a smiley. it felt right! it found its missing piece!

and so, the circle rolled on, rolled along.... ladeedadeeda.... tumdeedumdeedum.... rolled on over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, with its missing piece. it rolled along perfectly, like a perfect circle should. all round and whole, smiling and rolling and smiling and rolling, all the way.

but then again, the circle found that it couldn't speak; the missing piece fit so perfectly, there was no place for the circle to open itself and speak. it rolled along, but slowly... sadly... this time, as the circle realized that it needed to speak more than it needed to find its missing piece. and so sadly, in the end, the circle had to say goodbye to its perfect missing piece.

it rolled along again, rolled over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, without its missing piece. but it rolled on, happily this time, content just to be itself, a circle without its missing piece.

***

i forgot what the specific lesson was about now, but i do remember our Philosophy professor asking us to reflect on what the film meant to us.

i remember writing about how the film is symbolic of everyone's individual romantic journey, to find their missing piece, and how in the end, the journey just actually leads us back to ourselves, how the missing piece is not out there, but inside each one of us, and how when we find it inside, we stop looking for it outside anymore.

i remember, too, how the Professor returned all the papers back, except for mine. he asked to keep mine for his own reflection...

funny how i am reflecting on this again now.

tee-hee...

something i got today from a spiritual newsletter i subscribe to--

It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the idiot the rest of your life.

–From a popular t-shirt


Amen, and amen!!! : ) : ) : )

How Our Vios Came to Us

When our old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer started acting up late last year, and after I finished reading Joe Vitale's The Attractor Factor last December, I started seriously praying for/manifesting a new car.
I thought I'd want something with more space this time, and it was at this time when the Toyota Innova started becoming conspicuous in the streets and in the ads. So, I thought, a Toyota Innova would be good.

I didn't know how it would come about, or when, I just knew: I wanted the Toyota Innova, or something quite like it.

So I began the manifesting process by getting clear and ridding my self of any underlying internal blockages or emotions about desiring the Toyota Innova, which wasn't hard to do, as every time our old car conked out, my frustrations only served to fuel my desire for our new Toyota Innova.

Then, I researched the Toyota site, and placed a picture of a red Toyota Innova on my desktop. Every time I'd see an Innova in the streets, I'd smile at it as if in greeting and recognition and secretly pray, "Thank you, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!!!" : ) : ) : ) It became so habitual I'd promptly automatically smile and thank God for the Toyota coming our way when I'd see even just the Toyota logo.

At around this time, my brother, T, broached to our father how he feels bad for me for having to put up with the old car's troubles. He learned about how the kids and I would almost always just absent our selves from school and work whenever the old car conked out, because I didn't have the extra P300 a day budget for taxis back and forth in bringing them to school and then bringing them home, one at a time. My father finally offered to finance buying me a new secondhand car, but he made it clear that his budget would only be 100k pesos, tops.

It did came to me how I'd ever get my dream car with only 100k pesos... but then, I decided to let the Universe worry about that, and just kept on with my thanking for the Toyota coming our way.

Last Wednesday, when T took my father to the broker to check out the car he wanted to buy for me, given Papa's budget-- a 1995 Kia-- T told me this morning how Papa's eyes were riveted to the Toyota Vios instead. The Kia was owned by a person who wanted to sell it so he could buy the Vios. But, after test driving the Vios, Papa was hooked, and decided to go for the Vios instead, even if it was four times over his intended budget!!! : O

And that's how our Toyota Vios came to be. : ) It is not the Innova, yes, but I only wanted the Innova for its spaciousness, which the Vios has got. It is almost brand new, with only 10 months' use... and it is in the fiery red color that I wanted and envisioned and prayed for!!!

If this isn't God's handiwork now, then I don't know what is!!!

ohhhhh, thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come into our lives!!! : ) : ) : ) 

rush

a strange, strange thing happened just a while ago.

the car is down at the mechanic's shop again, so i had to commute by jeepney, from school to the phone office to pay my bill. i got down at the corner stop and walked to the phone office. as i was climbing up the steps of the phone office, this attractive young-looking guy called out to me from his car, calling me ma'am and waving, and my instinctive reaction was to smile and wave back, as former students usually do that when they see me even outside school.

then, as i was going into the phone office, the lady behind me seemed to reply back to the guy, so i thought sheepishly that i was mistaken, waving back to somebody waving to somebody behind me. : )

anyway, i went straight to the cashier to pay my bill. imagine my surprise when somebody said, "hi, rushing to beat the deadline huh?" and i turned to see the same guy that waved from his car earlier!

i was flustered and all i could do was say, "yes" back, even as i tried to place him and recall if i knew him. in the few seconds that i was taking out my bill and my money to pay the cashier, he was asking me where id be next, and i was shyly mumbling, "ooh, just paying bills", while i decided that i definitely did not know this guy! he was persistent but in a friendly way, saying he was paying bills too and maybe he could take me to where i was going?

oh god. one part of me felt flattered realizing that this young attractive guy was actually trying to pick me up, literally and figuratively! another part of me was thinking of those news reports about women being picked up by strange guys in their cars and not being heard of by family and friends afterwards.

i was gently trying to turn him down; i didn't know what i was saying, but he was insistent, saying he's seen me before in school and have always wondered what i did there, what did i do there? i asked questions back, how come you're in our school? he mumbled something about having a friend there who taught in the high school and also going to the gym.

anyway, after i paid my bill, i dawdled awhile and went to another counter, as if to fix my things, but actually turning my back to him, trying to make sense of what was happening. he dawdles around me too, and after a few moments, said, "so, i'll just go ahead? you sure you don't want a ride?" and i said, "yes, sure, please, go ahead." and gave him a wide smile, so he won't feel so rejected (oooh im a softie about unintentionally hurting people! even strangers!)

so he started walking as if to go ahead but he turned back just as i was zipping up my leathercase and he caught my eye. i smiled sheepishly and he waited for me then, and asked again to take me to the electric company, which was just a block away. it didnt seem to make sense now to back out, so i asked him his name as we walked to his car.

"B... B. M.", he gave me his full name. i smiled inwardly at the irony. he even has the ex's nick and initials!

anyway, once in his car, i made sure to check the door locks and the door lock buttons in the few brief moments while he walked around to his side to climb up the driver's seat too.

as he started driving, i don't know how it came out of me (maybe my training as researcher and interviewer), so i started asking how he was related to some people i knew who had his surname, and it turned out that they were his cousins! i heaved a sigh of more relief after that, although i still wondered at the suddeness and persistence of his actions. so, we made small talk. well, he talked, i asked and listened. : )

it was a good thing that the electric company had closed, that gave me a chance to ask him to just drop me off at the appliance store instead (whose parking area was full). i could tell he wanted to stay on as his eyes were searching for a parking spot, but it was full traffic, and his car was getting in the way of the long line of cars. so i got off and went straight into the appliance store.

:)

i marvel at the rush i felt at the experience, though. the strangeness of it all, the attractiveness of this guy, the quick comfortable talk.

on the way home riding another jeepney, i still felt breathless at the headiness of it all. no, not really sexually, but more like just... alive kind of breathless, when things happen so fast and you have to make quick assessments and decisions and just go by your gut. that kind of rush.

: )

the last time i had a similar experience was way back in 2000, when i was driving around 8 months pregnant, and this strange young guy in a motorcycle drove alongside me and i stopped, thinking he was a former student, and he stopped too, saying he was a former student of our school but never my student, and that he just wanted to say "i love you" (!). i was so surprised and a bit scared by the suddenness of it all that i sped off thinking, "lunatic!", and he strode his motorcycle too and followed me all the while shouting "I love youuuu!!!"

: S

ooh, the strange, strange things i get into, without my even meaning to!

: O

Headmistress

while watching The Nanny last night, there was a part where Mr. Scheffield, the boss and father of the children, and Ms. Fines, the nanny, went to Gracie's, the youngest child, school for a PTA meeting. the headmistress, upon seeing Mr. Scheffield, went out of her way to welcome him. Ms. Fines butted in, and the headmistress looked at her condescendingly and asked who she was. Mr. Scheffield introduced her as the nanny, while he introduced the headmistress to Ms. Fines as the headmistress.

"headmistress, huh?", Ms. Fines's eyes widened incredulously. then she added, "wow, with your kind of experience, you should know by now that married men never really leave their wives, no matter how much they say they will!"

that should have been funny; it got the audience rolling.

but somehow, it just made me sad.

My Orchid Moods

sweet, innocent , grace personified

in full power

getting interested... hmmmmm......

aroused... flushed.... feverish...

engorged ... enraptured

relaxing in sweet sensations

the first vagina workshop

we had our first cast meeting and script reading this morning. we were given the chance to choose our roles; i chose Woman 4, mainly because she had long monologues (if im going to invest my time and energies here, might as well be for a role where i get to speak longer...), and i was comfortable with her monologue (speaking about discovering her vagina from a handheld mirror and what it did to her). : ) i discovered and have continuously watched mine in fascination since i was 17 years old!

anyway, we were asked to prepare for three more parts, too, our answers to--

1. how does your vagina smell like?
2. how does your moan sound like? (prepare to act/sound out a sample)
3. if it could wear something, what would your vagina wear?

there was a prepared script for the answers too, but our stage director encouraged us to come up with our own answers.

not a problem for me; ive answered those questions for my self long, long ago--

1. smells like an orchid, feels like an orchid, looks like an orchid
2. kittenish
3. a tiara of diamonds, and nothing else, resplendent in its barenaked glory!

the show will be on International Women's Day, March 11, 7:30 p.m., at the Garden Royale.

welcome to women's intimate and soul-renewing world!

The Vagina Monologues, A Year After

around this time last year, i wrote about watching the play here and my commentaries on it.

this year, on march 11, international women's day, at 7:30 p.m. to be exact, i will be part of the cast when it shows again at the Garden Royale this time.

a friend who's a theatre director and producer texted me last week to ask me if i can join. script unseen, role unknown, i enthusiastically said, "Yes!"

i was excited at this new adventure, to explore new(or long-forgotten) parts of me and see how i do in dinner theatre this time. still, it didnt seem real as i didnt hear from my friend again.

today, though, i got my part of the script. i still don't know my role but im supposed to familiarize my self with the script i have as of now, so that it will be easier when i am assigned my role.

there are 4 women's roles in this script; i wonder which one they'd assign to me. it would be interesting to see how other people think of me as a woman, how they feel id fit in some role...

: )

will keep you posted as this new adventure develops.

J, again

we haven't been together much lately, because of my busy-ness with all my long-overdue and new projects... yet, we still stay connected mainly because J finds a way to fit "us" in comfortably when i can't.

this is a strange new experience for me, for a man not to be jealous of my life, for him to give me my space and time to be and grow and do as i please and as i must, and not to resent it nor be sulkily jealous of it.

oooh, how J doesn't know the beauty and preciousness of what he does for me!

i was driving home absentmindedly this morning, because that's what i reflected on, how strange it was now to not feel anxious nor guilty because i wasn't giving my man the priority time i want to give him for now... how strange it was to know that the axe will not fall somewhere sometime soon, and to know instead that when i go back to J with my full time and attention, he will still be there, still loving me and celebrating me without resentment nor drama.

oh, how freeing, how relaxing, how comforting it is to be loved this way at last!

it only makes me love J even more now.

Oprah's Advice on Men

i just got this as a forwarded email from a woman friend... I feel that the advice isn't for me anymore (i've learned this for my self the hard way, remember? : S) as it is for all the other women out there who are still finding their way, so i'd like to share it here --

*****

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complementary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other women... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

*****

Amen, and Amen!!!

and Yes-- i forwarded this to my daughter, too.

stay gold, goddesses.

Descansos

it is time for my own descansos now.

this lovely moment

the kids are in school and i am alone in the house, but happily chatting with J.
the birds chirp outside, while a cool breeze leads the curtains on a slow gentle dance.
a pressure is building up, from that other part of me which keeps reminding me of the many To Dos i have yet to do...
but i keep it at bay and ignore it.
it is only one little part of me.
the rest of me is relishing this delicious, lovely moment alone.
there will be time enough for To Dos again later, but right now--
Right Now:


this is my bliss.

Mindful and Loving Self-Care

knock on wood, i am doing very well in the discipline department of my "reveling in my perfect weight" project, eating less but not at all feeling deprived. : )

mainly i keep repeating to my self my self-invented mantra, especially when im in the shower. i go slower, stroke my self lovingly all over even as i repeat my mantra in my mind. (i even go extra and tenderly talk to my breasts, too-- mmmmm, you are sooo full, healthy and sumptous, youuuuu!!!--to encourage them to grow back to their former voluminous glory before the breastfeeding years!!! heehee...)

then, too, there is the constant asking of my self if im really hungry, do i really need to eat, or am i needing something else, and the reminding of my self that goddesses don't eat their kids' leftovers. : )

so far, my body is responding very well by cooperating. it clearly sees itself as 136 pounds, indeed, and that anything more are being dropped off quickly and effortlessly, so don't ruin it by adding to the anything more... : )

now that i am saying No to quite a number of chances to eat, i am also becoming more aware of just how much kids' leftover food ive been eating last year! and the fact that most times, i eat absentmindedly when i don't really need to eat, because im doing something else instead, or my mind is preoccupied on something.

now, when i eat,it becomes almost like a holy ritual. i pause and pray and give thanks, then i count the tablespoonfuls of rice i put into my plate (only 5, equal to 1 cup), take just what i need with the other dishes, and as i take the food into my mouth, i anticipate it, then take it in slowly, savoring the taste and every chew (sometimes i even close my eyes and smile!)... before i finally swallow. so, even if i take less of what i used to take before, because i am more mindful now, paying attention to the moment and only to the food itself, my pleasure is doubled, even tripled, and i end up feeling satiated in many ways than just a full stomach.

it doesnt feel so much like dieting as just taking good care of my self now, mindfully and lovingly.

ssshhhhhh...

i learned something while i treated my self to a swedish massage with aromatherapy session at the spa today.

i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.

i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY UNBELIEVABLE POUNDS.

omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (

while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.

so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....

I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.

heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!

rising above jealous me

it was a playful, intimate talk we were having, when the conversation turned to a young waitress who tried to bluntly pick him up by asking him if she could "borrow" him for an afternoon for a movie date, at a restaurant he's been eating in, so many years ago, before we even met, and i suddenly felt my self huffing and puffing and seeing red, then black. : (

he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )

J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.

i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.

this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.

first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.

is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?

where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )

or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?

i must really be growing up now.

heehee...

i deserve a big hug for today.

I Only Asked for Roses

this nice man from halfway around the world who came to see me was indeed nice and charming, although in a roguish kind of way.

our first meeting was for lunch somewhere quiet and cozy, so we could talk, he said. and it was a wonderful lunch, getting to know each other better even as we tried to read each other's signals, the things we did not say. he made me laugh a lot with his jokes, and that relaxed us both. we ended lunch at 3pm, and he said the hours flew so fast, he didnt realize we've been talking for almost 4 hours already.

he wanted us to spend the rest of the day together, if i was not busy, but then i nicely declined, saying i had a paper to submit that day for my MA class (i did). but it was actually my way of stepping back; this was too good to be true for a first meeting, i must get my bearings back before i get lost again.

he said he wanted to see me again and he did keep in touch over the next few days and weeks. it was too bad though that what he thought was just a bad case of indigestion and diarrhea right after he arrived at our city actually turned out to be a kidney infection. luckily he had old friends from another city he could stay with, and assist in his medical needs.

last week, he felt a lot better and asked if we could see each other again for dinner. i jokingly reminded him if it was the candlelight dinner he promised some months ago while he was still away, and we were just communicating from a distance.

he asked me then if i wanted the complete works, "all in?", he said. i was a bit confused by that, as i hadn't had a proper romantic candlelight dinner in all my life, and although i sensed that he was also insinuating something more... i decided to pursue the conversation following the other meaning that was clearer in my head.

"complete? all in? you mean candlelight and wine and violins and roses, too?", i smilingly asked. i said i would be happy with just candlelight and roses.

what he said next completely turned me off.

he said that's the trouble with women, they always ask for more. he said he only promised me the candlelight and he could get the wine, and i should already know what "all in?" meant. :( he said that's why marriage is dangerous, women always ask for more.

it took a while for me to answer, but when i replied next, i calmly told him im sorry he took it like that. for his information, roses cost so much less than wine, and that i don't drink wine even, as im allergic to any kind of alcoholic drink, but then again that was not my point. i then told him im sorry too, im not interested in his kind of candlelight dinner anymore, whatever that meant, so he could just forget it.

and that ended the short-lived almost romance.

***

i am proud of my self, though.

there was a time not so long ago when just any man's attention would get me excited already, and id jump into things purely out of naivete and enthusiasm, with my heart on my sleeve, and with no sense of my own personal boundaries at all, like a puppy all agog, lapping it all up without any sense of discernment nor discrimination.

i handled this one differently now, like a real woman in her own right, comfortable in her own skin and strong in her own sense of value at last. although i was attracted and starting to melt, i kept my head clear, and was quick to draw the line when my sensitive boundaries were breached.

i only asked for roses, and he didn't get it. and to think he already said he loved me, many times.

how could a man who claims to love me get all huff-puffy and haggle with me about roses?

i only asked for roses. ive never received many roses in my life, too--only one from a student, another one from the ex in the long ago courting days (but just because his sister pushed him to do it, even giving him the money to buy me one on our first valentine's day), and then a bunch of 65 left-over red roses from a friend who was given a thousand roses by her husband on their last wedding anniversary.

i only asked for roses, but this man didnt know how roses meant a lot to me.

tsk, tsk.... that was his fatal mistake.

too bad for him, a blessing in disguise for me.

Desires

i just got this from a subscription email to Mama Genas... i thought it was too precious a reminder to just delete and forget... so im saving it here...

Your closely held, longed for desires are an opportunity. Not just an opportunity for you to receive, which is delightful, but also an opportunity for someone else to give. Which is, perhaps, even more delightful.

And there is always a way for your desires to be met; in fact, it is inevitable. And you needn't know the tiniest bit about how to accomplish them. Living in the desire is the creation of the fulfillment.

... a timely reminder for me who hasn't been feeling glowing lately... : (

Tests

a nice man is coming halfway around the world to take his vacation where i am, and see me. he started out as a friend, whom i actually had heated arguments with the first few times, and i stood my ground (i knew i was right), and i guess... he has learned to respect me, too, and not just see me as just another pretty face...

well, actually, he has revealed his deeper feelings already, but i am firm on friendship first, this time.

it is not so much a test for him, but a test for me, to see how much i've grown, how far i've come, in my journey from no-self to true self...

then, there's the other dilemma, too.... J, the love of my heart, mind and soul... the love who is so far away, the love who can't be mine (yet, i hope)...

it is a fine line i toe, exploring my growth as a person and as a woman, yet taking care not to hurt nor harm J... and even this nice man who's travelling halfway around the world to see me...

what to do, dear heart?

Menstrual Cycle Wisdom

How might it have been different for you if, on your first menstrual day, your mother had given you a bouquet of flowers and taken you to lunch, and then the two of you had gone to meet your father at the jeweler, where your ears were pierced, and your father bought you your first pair of earrings, and then you went with a few of your friends and your mother’s friends to get your first lip coloring; and then you went, for the very first time, to the Women’s lodge, to learn the wisdom of women? How might you be different?

-Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones

Read more here. (Although, I must say... the article looks "cut"... it talks about the beginning and middle phases of the cycle and forgot to talk about the ending phase...)

Open Relationships

his hurting bothers me, especially since i understand almost perfectly where it's coming from. if the tables were turned, i'd be the same. im as passionately jealous as he is. : ) and i love it that way.

still, i wondered how other people dealt with this stuff. im not exactly an expert in long-term good and loving relationships and i just wondered how other people successfully managed this. so i google-searched for "jealousy" and the first article i came to was on jealousy in open relationships.

i've always understood open relationships to be those kinds of relationships where there is no commitment to a future together, but in this article, it was defined as a relationship with a commitment to at least take each other seriously and even build a future together, but with an openness to non-monogamous sexual relationships! : O

i've always prided my self in being very open and liberal-minded (although still very oldfashioned in values), especially when it comes to how other people live their lives, but i have to admit, this one article actually shocked me, even offended my basic sensibilities!

i guess it works for other people, but i don't think it will ever work for me. i love too much when i love, and it's an all or nothing kind. i am not good at sharing and distributing, when it comes to romantic love...

or maybe i am just too out-of-touch idealistic, still stuck in visions of knights and fair maidens who inspire even as they distress... : )

the article talked about it logically, presenting open relationships as a whole new, more loving way of living, based on abundance of love and not the scarcity of it. it likened it to having a new baby, more people to love, more love to go around with.

intellectually, i could agree to the proposition, but heartfully and soul-fully the very idea violates my very being.

maybe im selfish, maybe im greedy, but i want my man to know me intimately and i, to know him as intimately, in a way that nobody else knows, because that is the kind of beautiful and magical world that we create and try to nurture.

my man is not a baby, although i like to baby him, and i am not a baby either, although i like it when he babies me, so i don't buy that BS about the new baby analogy! having my man have a sexual relationship with another woman at the same time he has an emotional and sexual relationship with me, with my full knowledge and tacit agreement, would be tantamount to my agreeing to sharing my bed and my house with her (and all her lovers, too, past and present)!!! : O i just don't think i can be intimately loving with that many people, all at the same time! : O

i don't know how they do it, live and let live i guess, but im happier with the kind of life im crafting now.

he thinks

he encourages me
to talk to other people
to enjoy my self with other people
as he can't be with me yet.

so sometimes, i do
although, most times, i don't
as i enjoy my self best
when with him.

but now that i'm talking
with other people again
he also hurts
though he tries to hide
by keeping quiet.

he thinks
i don't know.

he thinks.

he thinks
i can easily
replace him.

he thinks.

J

he is good for me in many deep and soulful ways, even if current circumstances in our lives are not exactly perfect for our being together yet.

he moves me, not just bodily and mentally, but deeply too, in ways of the heart and soul. he knows me inside and out, accepts all my idiosyncracies and strange eccentricities with love and tolerance and amusement, and even celebrates who i am at each moment, whether im being wild and stubborn and mad, or whether im being sweet and humble and innocent, or sulky and clinging and unreasonable even.

sometimes, when some innocent remark he makes sets me off and pushes my red alert buttons, dredging up old wounds and ancient pain, and i become less of the beautiful self i'd like to think i have become, he even wallows with me in my misery and ugliness and takes all the blows for me, too... sometimes, when i get like this, i start hating my ugliness and act as if to leave, but he begs me to stay instead, saying he needs me in his life, when all i've done to him was hurt him unfairly even.

how can you still fight and resist in the face of that kind of loving?

J never ceases to amaze me.

i feel that i am finally in the presence of something great and timeless and holy, and each day i am awed and humbled at my good fortune... what have i ever done to deserve this kind of blessing?

sometimes, i think now, that even our present circumstances which prevent us from being together forever at last, is good for us. maybe, we need to grow into this blessing we have stumbled into until we are able to handle it well, when we are physically together at last.

finally, here is a man who loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul (and loves my children even as if they were his own!), a man who can love me as much as i love, too, match for match, in all ways... at last.

i think i have found my own Big Jar, too, at last. : )

God is sooo good!

Live Your Legend

Mama Gena, in her newsletter which i subscribe to, reminds us all sister goddesses to "Live Your Legend", to keep choosing pleasure and desire and fun over anything less.

timely reminder for me; my glow seems to have diminished somewhat lately... and i noticed it early this morning, while i was in the car waiting for the kids to join me so i could bring them to school on time.

just before i got into the car, i checked the breakfast the maid had prepared-- eggs and spanish sardines. inwardly, i thought i would have preferred the sweet-spicy fried sardines she prepared the other day. i started taking out the can of fried sardines i wanted from the cupboard, but then decided against it, thinking that it would be a waste of resources having another set of sardines when one is already available, although one i am not particularly in the mood for so early in the morning... : (

i thought i was being Ms. Logical and Ms. Efficient and Ms. Thrifty, but why did i suddenly feel a little bit more deflated, a little bit smaller?

i was in the car already when the thought came to me-- what's a little extra cost for the sake of your pleasure and fun and enjoyment, Goddess? where is the Goddess spark and chutzpah? will you allow your self to be limited now by the extra cost of another can of sardines, the kind that makes you start your day with a smile and a little more perk?

and then, later this morning, i opened my email to find Mama Gena's reminder. : ) another serendipitous thing!

i must go back to living my legend again; i owe it to me! : )

Touch

yesterday, despite the very tight budget, but with hope now that my aunt would approve my request for an advanced payment of my consultancy fee for this month, i went ahead with a long-scheduled spa massage date with three of my colleagues in the university who have become dear friends.

im glad i did. im glad i have learned not to let very limited financial circumstances limit my joy and pleasures, too.

for an hour and a half or two yesterday, lying naked on a firm, comfortable massage bed covered only by a thin white blanket and being gently yet expertly touched and kneaded by a professional lady masseuse who exerted just the right kind of pressure to ease out the tensions in the right places, i gave in to the sheer pleasure of being touched in a full and sensual way.

from head to toe, i just relaxed into not letting anything else bother me but savoring all the tactile deliciousness of the sensations of touch and warmth and pressure in rhythmic waves, amidst a darkened room with soft, muted lights, and comforting meditation music.

at one time, i even thought to my self, hmmm.. this is better than sex even! i could do without sex as long as i have these massages regularly! :) : ) :)

...

yes.... it's been quite a while.

one night just recently, i found my self so hungry i actually wept when i saw romantic pictures of loving couples in the initial phases of making love! that was the first time i wept from such hunger...

it wasn't just a physical kind, but almost like a soul-kind of hunger, from my deepest, darkest self...

the abstinence hasn't been by circumstance, either, but by choice, as i'm holding out for more lasting joys that are finer and deeper and higher now... not just the temporary passing pleasures of the physical kind.

...


i am glad i allowed my self to go ahead with yesterday's special treat. this little "problem" is solved now too, as i think i have re-discovered a way around it now. : ) a regular spa massage!!!

heehee.

God is good. life is good.

Consumatum Est!

it is finished!

ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.

and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.

i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D

(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)

i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.

God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!

thank you, God, for the gift of stories!

Time Out

i think i will need to take time, space and energies off from blogging here for a while; i will need the time, space and energies for making a dream come true.

there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.

i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)

wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.

the luck will just follow.

Aikido, Belly Dance and Serendipity

during my first session with them, my teacher (sensei) in aikido class commented that i seem to be a natural for the art, and after knowing that i take belly dance classes in between my aikido nights too, said that she believes my belly dance is helping my aikido.

i took up aikido mainly because it's an elective in my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course, and i thought it would be interesting to study the art of peace principles from a physical orientation. but dreading the thought of doing (what i thought was) unfeminine martial arts, i also enrolled my self in belly dance classes every other night, to sort of cushion whatever expected "unpleasantness" i thought id feel from my aikido classes-- sort of like taking a teaspoon of sugar for every teaspoon of bitter medicine. so tuesday and thursday evenings, at 7-8pm, i do my belly dance; wednesday and friday evenings at the same time, i do my aikido.

i started my belly dance class first so i was in a good mood when i started my aikido the next night. and i was in for a surprise!

aikido is such a graceful martial art, you feel like dancing rather than fighting. you actually do glides and pirouettes with graceful hand movements! it was only later when i started reading up on it that i learned that the core principle of aikido is to neutralize destructive energies, to "defeat" your opponent by rendering him/her incapable of harming you yet not harm him/her and maintain both your integrity in the process. no wonder it is called "The Way of Peace"!

then, my belly dance classes do intuitively feel like they're complementing my aikido, because in belly dance, i not only get a really intensive fat burning and muscle-toning workout, i get it in such a way that i celebrate my womanhood and have fun! it is only today when i started reading up on belly dance that i learned that it is the oldest dance tradition in the world and a way of joyful empowerment for women as well as to higher spirituality! it was not at all created to entertain men (although it is a byproduct) but as both a sacred and erotic way to connect to the core of women's femininity and the Goddess forces!

i marvel now at the coincidence of my being led to take on these two seemingly different art forms in my life now-- me who hasn't been very sporty and physically active, me who has always been the cerebral, intellectual, philosophical type... yet finding joy and exultation in these two arts now.

i marvel in quiet amazement at the paths ive taken, which have led me to this path, as i know deep inside now that the more i learn about these arts, the more i will grow as a person and as a woman, in both my character, personality and spirituality.

it's funny, too, how i started reading a book last night, Women, Sex and Addiction, and how the author, in her introductory chapter explaining her thesis and where she's coming from, mentioned belly dance as part of womanly initiations and practice in reclaiming women's rightful connections with their own sexuality and empowerment!

everything seems to be coming to a head, falling into place, even though they are coming from altogether different directions... ooohlalaaaa.... : )

magic is afoot again.

skittish

im feeling skittish--
pawing the ground,
snorting,
neighing,
straining,
yearning
to break loose,
to break free...
but to where?

Old Love

i dreamt about an old love a while ago.

i was in this big ancient house with him; it was his house with his wife and kids. he had more than the two kids i knew of; he had two little ones even.

one was sick and cooped up in a room all by herself. the other little one was having a tantrum and wanted to be sick, too, because their mother was all wrapped up in her ministrations to the sick one.

all the time, he was just there, his usual charming self, trying to flirt with me, even as his children flitted in and out of that old house. at one time, his wife rushed out of a room, bringing with her a bedpan and a wash basin. i asked if there was anything i could do to help. she just smiled and brushed me away and told me to enjoy my visit.

i asked her why she had to do everything while he just sits there doing nothing and acting like the lord of the house. she just sighed and said that that is the way it has always been, and that's the way she supposes it will always be.

but he's acting spoiled and so are your children! i was dismayed at what she was doing to her self.

she just shrugged and went back to work.

at this point, i knew-- i have no place in their house, nor does he have any place in my life now.

and then i woke up.

Blind Spot

a friend who read my previous blog congratulated me for my good fortune and asked, "how can you not know when you are treated wrong?"

i had to explain-- it is not so much in the big wrongs that i have trouble knowing about, but in the little, supposed to be "harmless" wrongs that does more damage in the long run... little white lies, inconsideration, insensitive remarks and little actions... stuff like that, which, when added together, form a bunch of actions which belie those overused words, "i love you."

i don't think it's just me; i think it's a common blind spot among women. raised to always look out for others yet not looking out for one's self in the first place, we tend to be so other-focused that we even interpret other's lack of respect, consideration and sensitivity as something that reflects on our lack of worth ("is there something wrong with me? maybe if i do more, love more, give more, he'll learn to appreciate me and be more considerate and sensitive of me too?").

i am learning now that if there's anything at all "wrong" (i think we are perfect, just as we are!) with us women, it's that we don't give ourselves enough credit, sacrificing self-respect and integrity for so-called "love" and connection. it seems anathema to a woman's total concept that she can actually enjoy her self and her life, without guilt, with or without a man.

this point was further emphasized to me last night when my daughter Thea and I watched "Down with Love" starring Renee Zellweiger and that male lead star in Moulin Rouge (i forgot his name). we laughed at many parts of the film, because we could identify ourselves and our foibles in it (well, for me at least; im not sure my 12 year old has enough experience of her own to appreciate them, although she did nod emphatically when i pointed out some parts to her and what they could mean...).

basically, the female lead star (Renee, playing writer Barbara Novak) wrote a book, "Down with Love", which became a hit among women in the 1960s. that book was supposed to be THE bible for women's empowerment.

the book's thesis is "down with love", essentially telling women to take off their rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, which is not to equate sex with love, like men do. sex is sex and love is love and that's that. some rare times, they meet up but oftentimes, they don't. so get on with it, get moving with your life, pleasure your self in what ever way you can, with or without "love" from a man. there is so much more to life than a romantic relationship with a man.

still, in the end, though, true love wins. in the film, the male and female leads eventually fall in love and marry, despite their protestations and struggle with themselves and each other.

i guess the film also pointed out that when you take off your rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, when the real thing comes along, you finally recognize it for the rare thing that it is too, and not get it mixed up with the fancy but empty baubles you have met along your journey.

i think i've overcome my blind spot now.
i KNOW i have overcome my blind spot now.

: )

What One Good Man's Loving Can Do

it is amazing what one good man's loving can do to a woman--

- because she is treated right, she can now easily tell when she is treated wrong;

- because she is respected and known and understood and loved truly, she can now easily tell when she is just being played for a fool with sugary but empty words;

- because he loves her in the gentlest and tenderest way ever, she has now found her own strength and power and blossoming;

- because he loves her with a fierceness and intensity that doesn't even balk nor flinch from her frequent goodbyes when the going gets too tough, she is learning to stay now, and hoping to stay... for good.

i am blessed to be that kind of woman now.

: )

In This Life*

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through

If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain
I have climbed
And every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love, I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through

If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you.

In this life, I was loved by you.


*Ronan Keating