Thursday, December 29, 2005


i learned something while i treated my self to a swedish massage with aromatherapy session at the spa today.

i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.

i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!


omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (

while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.

so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....

I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.

heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

rising above jealous me

it was a playful, intimate talk we were having, when the conversation turned to a young waitress who tried to bluntly pick him up by asking him if she could "borrow" him for an afternoon for a movie date, at a restaurant he's been eating in, so many years ago, before we even met, and i suddenly felt my self huffing and puffing and seeing red, then black. : (

he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )

J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.

i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.

this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.

first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.

is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?

where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )

or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?

i must really be growing up now.


i deserve a big hug for today.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Only Asked for Roses

this nice man from halfway around the world who came to see me was indeed nice and charming, although in a roguish kind of way.

our first meeting was for lunch somewhere quiet and cozy, so we could talk, he said. and it was a wonderful lunch, getting to know each other better even as we tried to read each other's signals, the things we did not say. he made me laugh a lot with his jokes, and that relaxed us both. we ended lunch at 3pm, and he said the hours flew so fast, he didnt realize we've been talking for almost 4 hours already.

he wanted us to spend the rest of the day together, if i was not busy, but then i nicely declined, saying i had a paper to submit that day for my MA class (i did). but it was actually my way of stepping back; this was too good to be true for a first meeting, i must get my bearings back before i get lost again.

he said he wanted to see me again and he did keep in touch over the next few days and weeks. it was too bad though that what he thought was just a bad case of indigestion and diarrhea right after he arrived at our city actually turned out to be a kidney infection. luckily he had old friends from another city he could stay with, and assist in his medical needs.

last week, he felt a lot better and asked if we could see each other again for dinner. i jokingly reminded him if it was the candlelight dinner he promised some months ago while he was still away, and we were just communicating from a distance.

he asked me then if i wanted the complete works, "all in?", he said. i was a bit confused by that, as i hadn't had a proper romantic candlelight dinner in all my life, and although i sensed that he was also insinuating something more... i decided to pursue the conversation following the other meaning that was clearer in my head.

"complete? all in? you mean candlelight and wine and violins and roses, too?", i smilingly asked. i said i would be happy with just candlelight and roses.

what he said next completely turned me off.

he said that's the trouble with women, they always ask for more. he said he only promised me the candlelight and he could get the wine, and i should already know what "all in?" meant. :( he said that's why marriage is dangerous, women always ask for more.

it took a while for me to answer, but when i replied next, i calmly told him im sorry he took it like that. for his information, roses cost so much less than wine, and that i don't drink wine even, as im allergic to any kind of alcoholic drink, but then again that was not my point. i then told him im sorry too, im not interested in his kind of candlelight dinner anymore, whatever that meant, so he could just forget it.

and that ended the short-lived almost romance.


i am proud of my self, though.

there was a time not so long ago when just any man's attention would get me excited already, and id jump into things purely out of naivete and enthusiasm, with my heart on my sleeve, and with no sense of my own personal boundaries at all, like a puppy all agog, lapping it all up without any sense of discernment nor discrimination.

i handled this one differently now, like a real woman in her own right, comfortable in her own skin and strong in her own sense of value at last. although i was attracted and starting to melt, i kept my head clear, and was quick to draw the line when my sensitive boundaries were breached.

i only asked for roses, and he didn't get it. and to think he already said he loved me, many times.

how could a man who claims to love me get all huff-puffy and haggle with me about roses?

i only asked for roses. ive never received many roses in my life, too--only one from a student, another one from the ex in the long ago courting days (but just because his sister pushed him to do it, even giving him the money to buy me one on our first valentine's day), and then a bunch of 65 left-over red roses from a friend who was given a thousand roses by her husband on their last wedding anniversary.

i only asked for roses, but this man didnt know how roses meant a lot to me.

tsk, tsk.... that was his fatal mistake.

too bad for him, a blessing in disguise for me.