Monday, November 19, 2007

Self-Care 101: Beating the Blues Positively

it's that time again.

it's been a very rainy and cold Monday morning here; the kids are at school, im alone in the house, trying to trudge on with an editing project and the data analysis for my project paper which have been taking so long to finish, mainly for my lack of heart in these endeavors. but finish them, i must, if only so i can move on fresh and free with my fulltime writing dreams now...

im feeling lonesome, and needing some cheerful company, even some warm cuddling. sigh. but there's no one around. all the other important people in my world are engrossed in their own lives. sigh. even my email alert notifications have been silent and inactive for an hour now! : (

...

i run through the list of options in my mind, "tricks" in the bag i've discovered for my self that help me pick me up again healthily and happily. even just thinking about them while taking my shower, and then having my lunch alone, is already making me smile...

here they are (i do any one, or two, or all; whatever suits my fancy... and the degree of my need)--

1. take a longer shower than usual, really going about the shampooing and soaping slow and easy, in a pampering way... while repeating positive meditation mantras, or what i call my emergency mantra learned from Silva, when the dark cloud over my head is really about to oppress me: "negative thoughts, negative suggestions, have no influence over me at any level of mind."

2. sit down with my self over a proper, healthy lunch, even if i'm alone; really set the table for my self, with all the good plates and glassware and cutlery in place (treating my self like i would a very special guest; honoring my self, so to speak... goddesses don't eat on the run, they eat mindfully : > ); and making sure to eat only healthy food (my lunch for today: pesto on pasta, and mixed vegetable juice), because if i give in to the temptation of bingeing (emotional eating) on sweets, chocolates, ice cream, junk, i already know id just feel even worse afterwards. so as a preventive measure, i really just stock up on healthier foods now, and when the kids have the sweets, etc., with them, when im really tempted, i just take a bite, to satisfy the need for the flavor.

3. drink lots of water, while repeating another set of positive meditation mantra again : ) (don't laugh; check out how our thoughts affect even water crystals by searching for Dr. Masaru Emoto and his water experiments, or click here). it helps in several ways: i feel fuller so i don't need to eat more, the positive thoughts while drinking water do help me feel better even if it's just the symbolic physicality of ingesting the positives into your body, drinking lots of water speeds up metabolism; good for calorie-burning!, and a habit of water drinking clears the skin, the body, the mind.

4. write my current thoughts and feelings on my journal or blog, without any judgment, just expressing everything down; somehow the act of getting them down on paper (or blog) removes them from you.

5. sleep (i already did this earlier today, after i arrived home at 8am after bringing the kids to school).

6. self-pleasure. : ) (not in the mood, i need B's additional inspiration for this... : >)

7. list down all the things i am thankful for (never fails!)-- just thinking right now of how i could be so lucky just staying at home and doing what i want to do, when most everyone else in the world are struggling with work, even jobs they hate and people they don't like, instantly zaps major chunks of blues away

8. go to the beauty salon for a treat (pedicure, manicure, foot spa, hot oil, facial; any one or two, or the whole works, if it's really a major self-care job im needing)

9. go to the spa for a full body massage

10. date my self at my favorite restaurants

11. put on clothes i look good, feel good in, even some makeup and perfume, even while im just at home (not doing the perfume and makeup now; im not THAT down yet :> )

(also, not in the mood for 8-11 right now; it's too rainy and gloomy outside; i don't even want to go out and drive in this weather!)

12. meditate/pray to God to help me get out of my funk! ( i already did this at 3am today; it worked for a while, but i woke up to another funk the second time after... maybe i should do another session right after this, this morning's "dosage" was obviously not enough to last me the whole day...)

hmmmmm...

i actually already feel better now!!! : )

and i didn't have to shop (like most women i know like to do) and spend money better used for more necessary things, or bitch around and make other people also miserable!

and that's the best and most positive thing about these all.

oh, thank you, God.

getting through this seemingly mundane struggle is a spiritual feat in itself!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

My Lucky Love Color

my results -- (right on,again! : >)

Your Lucky Love Color is Purple

When someone gets to know you, the first thing they notice is how romantic you are. The most romantic of all the colors, in fact.
You are a big flirt and a total tease. Your antics get you in trouble, but they also get you what you want.
And unlike what your color might suggest, you are not a princess of any sort. If anything, you make your man feel like a prince.
Your heart is dreamy and open. You don't put restrictions on love - because you never know what can happen.

What Type of Beauty Are You?

my results-- (right on! : > )

You Are a Classic Beauty!

You have a timeless beauty that looks great in every decade
Instead following trends, you stick to what works
And this means you never skimp on your beauty routine
Upside? Your classic looks tends to attract gentlemen - not boys.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Born for You




by David Pomeranz

Too many billion people
Running around the planet
What is the chance in heaven
That you'd find your way to me?
Tell me what is this sweet sensation?
It's a miracle that's happened
Though I search for an explanation
Only one thing it could be -

That I was born for you
It was written in the stars
Yes, I was born for you
And the choice was never ours
It's as if the powers of the universe
Conspired to make you mine
And til the day I die,
I bless the day that I was born for you

Too many foolish people
Trying to come between us
None of them seem to matter
When I look into your eyes
Now I know why I belong here
In your arms I found the answer
Somehow nothing would seem so wrong here
If they'd only realise

That I was born for you
And that you were born for me
And in this random world,
This was clearly meant to be
What we have the world could never understand
Or ever take away
And till the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

What we have the world could never understand
Or ever take away
And as the years go by
Until the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

Women In Art

This is a beautiful celebration of womanhood. I just sat in peaceful contemplation and gazed at it as it played. The comments below the video in the original YouTube broadcast (by eggman913) are funny but interesting, though. Still, I think too much analysis detracts from the simple appreciation of Beauty.

When the Heart Calls

I LOVE this love story!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Strong Woman: Empowering Feminine Energy

from www.dailyom.com--

So often in our world we tend to think of strength as a quality that arises from a place of firm determination and a will to succeed no matter the cost. Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does—she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength.

Listening to the feminine side of ourselves may not seem easy at first for this type of energy is something that is often overlooked in many aspects of our everyday lives. If we can connect with this part of who we are, however, we will find that there is an unlimited wellspring of strength available to us. Our capacity to tap into our intuition and listen to our inner guides, to take into account the needs of those around us, and to view a situation with compassion and love are ways that we can show the world the true power that is part of our feminine nature. When we learn to integrate this source of strength into our daily tasks and decision-making, we will find that we can be more flexible and open to the things that happen around us and more receptive to new ideas. Not only will we see the world in a different light, but we will truly start to realize the potential for this form of energy to both empower ourselves and those around us.

As we cultivate our feminine energy we can redefine the meaning of strength. By embracing our feminine power as something that is strong in its own right, we are able to use it with true assurance and determination and draw upon what truly belongs to us.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

old love songs

yesterday, i woke up at 2am.

after happily talking with B, i proceeded to putter around, unpack and sort the rest of my luggage, and prepare the kids' bags for school.

all the while i was listening to my saved meditation music, but when it was all done, i decided to try my old collection of saved love songs again, back when i was still in love with M...

i was pleasantly surprised to find that the songs have no effect on me at all anymore, except in my feeling of appreciation for them as songs i've always liked.

i used to dread opening the file some months ago, as they only made me cry and broke my heart some more. some days, at best, i would feel an aching pang inside.

but yesterday,... no more.

ohhhh, joy!!!

i am healed, at last.

i am whole again, to give my heart fully again, this time.

it's time for new love songs now.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Color Rose I Am : )



You are an enchanting person, full of mystery. You possess an almost regal quality to you, and indeed you are often the best at whatever you choose to do. Everything you do is full of majesty and grace. You are not prone to crazy antics or wild stunts. You are more reserved in your thoughts and deeds - you think through everything you do or say. You are highly intellectual and can constantly amaze those around you with your leaps of logic and insight into life. Your friends and loved ones regard you with equal parts love and awe. You are a remarkably regal person in thought and deed - congratulations!


(Click on the title to get to the quiz, "What Color Rose Are You?")

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

the women in my family

living in close quarters with them makes me realize and appreciate the emotional strength and courage and intuitive wisdom the women in my family all share.

it makes me see, too, though, how in some other ways, i can never be like them in terms of the games that they play on each other and their men, ways which have and always make me feel different and left out, and which i used to think was a "weakness" on my part, that i was never woman enough...

one has a tendency to manipulate others with "i told you sos" and snide remarks on how things could have been done better; the other is direct and upfront and speaks her mind but still has this devious trick of cutting you down with one remark, usually beginning with pointing out some generally unnoticed part of your appearance, and then putting you down with a comment about it in one swipe.

another has a tendency to be a pleaser, always asking you for your agreement on something, and then a huffy-puffy sense of wounded pride, always perceiving any comment you make as referring to her, especially a slight on her.

another is generally easy-going, except that when she sees you dressed well and looking good, she makes up for it by putting on too much makeup, if she cannot match how you dress...

but they are the ones with their men, while i still have to be with my own, for keeps.

does it take being devious and manipulative to have a man in your life? sometimes, i wonder.

hmmm.... maybe it does, depends on the quality of the man who will put up with it, i guess.

maybe they're just lucky.

or maybe i'm the lucky one. who knows? : )

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The Secret of a Durable Union

To unite your physical existences and your material interests,
to associate yourselves so as to face together the difficulties and successes,
the defeats and victories of life - this is the very basis of marriage -
but you know already that it does not suffice.

To be united in feelings,
to have the same tastes and same aesthetic pleasures,
to vibrate together in a common response to the same things,
one by the other and one for the other
- it is good, it is necessary
- but it is not enough.

To be one in profound sentiments,
your affection, your feelings of tenderness for each other
not varying in spite of all the shocks of existence;
withstanding weariness, nervous irritations and disappointments,
to be always and in every case happy, most happy to be together;
to find, under all circumstances, one in the presence of the other, rest, peace and joy
- it is good, it is very good, it is indispensable
- but it is not enough.

To unite your mentalities,
your thoughts harmonizing and becoming complementary to each other, your intellectual preoccupations and discoveries shared between you;
in a word, to make your spheres of mental activity identical
through a broadening and an enrichment acquired by the two at the same time
- it is good, it is absolutely necessary
- but it is not enough.

Beyond it all, at the bottom, at the centre, at the summit of the being,
there is the Supreme Truth of the being, an Eternal Light,
independent of all circumstances
of birth, of country, of environment, of education;
the origin, cause and master of our spiritual development
- it is That that gives a definite orientation to our existence;
it is That that decides our destiny;
it is in the consciousness of this that you should unite.

To be one in aspiration and ascension,
to advance with the same step on the spiritual path
- such is the secret of a durable union."

- Sri Aurobindo

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dear Heart,


he said you were too honest;
it dredges up all his fears.

he said you were too spirited;
it makes him work so hard.

he said you were too bubbly;
it makes him feel worse about his life.

he said you were too unpredictable, following your heart;
it makes him think he's stupid for being with someone so insane...

he is wrong, dear heart.
dead wrong.
you know that.

he is both the stupid and insane one.

give him up, quick!

he is not a true friend of your heart, mind and soul,
no matter what he says.

give him up, quick!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Who's My Type?

i'm really into studying and preparing for my next romance now, and to do it-- not just right, but--better next time. so here's another advice i just read (please click on the title for the link to the article), and i'm pasting here the "checklist" for who's really my type and who's not to remind me of what to look out for and what to avoid as i seriously launch my Search now (this is the first time i'm consciously admitting to my self that i'm actually searching!!! Before, it was just "if it comes, okay, if it doesn't, okay, i still have the rest of my happy life"... no wonder it is only in the romance dept. where i've still not "gotten it together" when in the rest of my life, which i consciously direct and work and prepare for, i am already doing great! GIGO, Garbage In Garbage Out-- hit-or-miss In intentions, hit-or-miss Out results.)


Looking at the lists now, I am almost shocked to realize that M, whom I thought and felt was already my true and lasting Soulmate (mainly because of our astrological potentials!!! : O ), actually falls within the NOT MY TYPE more than in the MY TYPE list!!!
Of the six items in the NOT MY TYPE checklist, he fits FIVE (except for the last one, although he also had a tendency to criticize my interests and involvements)!!!

In the MY TYPE list, he did--

- excite me (intellectually, mostly)
- made me laugh (in the early months, mostly)
- helped me to be a better version of my self (mainly through tremendous emotional and spiritual growth, from the frustrations i experienced with him! but surely, now i think that i can be a better version of my self in a more positive, life-affirming way with another, no?)

ohhhhh THANK GOD, it DID NOT work out with M!!! (if i posted here the pictures of our meeting which my photojournalist friends took "on stakeout" : ), too, you would agree with me... heehee... but that would be too cruel, and i want to spare him that, even so...)

ohhhh, THANK YOU GOD!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

My Ideal Mate

This is the summary of what Eharmony says my Ideal Mate is like, after I answered their lengthy free in-depth Questionnaire 4 years ago (I only reviewed it now; I answered the Questionnaire way back in Oct. 2003! Regretfully, they don't have a free Questionnaire like it now, just one for Personality Profile)--

Some of your ideal mate's strongest personality characteristics are:

    He is very caring, compassionate and sensitive towards the needs of others.

    He has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and it is important to him to be the best person he can be at all times.

    He has a very strong intellect which he enjoys exercising.

    He generally prefers to solve problems based on rational causes, rather than emotions.

Some important qualities that your ideal partner brings to the relationship are:

    He has a great sense of humor.

    He appreciate life's amusing moments, and is good at sharing and even creating them.

    He is very good at communicating his thoughts and feelings.

    It is easy for him to see other's points of view.

Important goals and values for your ideal mate in a relationship are:

    He needs someone who shares his goals to have children and create a loving home.

    Family and parenting are key to him.

    Although he probably won't be strongly religious, it may be important to him that he shares his core spiritual beliefs with his life partner.

    He doesn't have wildly radical views about society or morality.


Now, why didn't I pay attention to this list sooner???

It should have saved me a lot of heartache...

But then again, would I have been willing to trade all the (mis?) adventures in the past 4 years for less heartache?

Not then, for sure.

Maybe now, though.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Eye-opener

From True-U Magazine (highlights mine)--

"Research on fear of commitment suggests that there are at least four different types of people with fear of commitment issues:
  • Some people tend to engage in relationships with people whom they are very incompatible with. These types of relationships always fail and serve to confirm the person's expectations that commitment is unattainable. In other words, these people sometimes select romantic partners who will reinforce their fear of becoming too close to them.
  • Other people tend to go back and forth with the same partner. One month they're together, the next month they're apart, the next month, together, the next they're apart, etc. This can go on for a very long time and allows people to carry on in a relationship without feeling committed. It's their way of avoiding commitment.
  • Other people are too idealistic. They're always in search of Mr. or Ms. Right. Unfortunately, "right" is equated with "perfect." Usually, people like this have exceedingly high standards for their partners. They have to be attractive, intelligent, physically fit, have a good sense of humor, be financially stable, have loving parents, a nice car, etc. etc. Anyone who fails to meet only one of those criteria is dropped.
  • Finally, there are people who find partners who are good matches, but then they pick them apart. The person is not attractive enough, they are too tall, they like heavy metal music, etc. No matter what the potential mate 's strengths are, people like this are able to dissect them to the point that they are no longer desirable.

For each of these types of people, the purpose is always to avoid becoming committed or intimate."

***

Now I understand why he has been discrediting me, naming the very qualities that make me very specially me as something negative:

- my positive outlook (too much bubbliness)
- my sensitivity and imagination (makes mountains out of molehills);
- my emotional honesty and clarity, transparently expressing what I feel at any given time (scary emotional rollercoaster);
- my being heart-centered, following its dictates (scary unpredictability)

Do I really need or want a man who cannot accept and appreciate me for who I am, and blames most of his fears and insecurities on me?

'Funny, too, how all these criticisms of his only came out in the weeks preceding his journey to come here.

I have been hurting very much lately, feeling very attacked, and that whatever I say or do is wrong. I have even started feeling insecure about my value as a person and as a woman.

I told him he is the only person in my life who has problems with me; in the rest of my life, all my relationships are good and healthy and positive, so maybe he might try checking if the problem is with him, in him, too?

He got mad, and blamed me some more for making him feel worse.

And now he's saying he's quickly fallen in love with somebody he has just met for two weeks (not an equal match from his description, but someone whom he feels comfortable with as she gives him "no fuss"!), while we've grown a deep friendship and love for a year now. and he calls the two-week euphoria true love. so can we at least be friends, he asks?

I pity him now. 48 and blind as a bat about what true loving really means, still. no wonder he has remained single for so long.

And why would I even want to be friends with someone who cannot take all of who I am, as I am?

He is still one of my soul mates, as I have grown so much emotionally and spiritually, just from knowing him and being known by him.

But, soulmates, to remain together, have to pass the tests of the heart and soul, too, not run away from them to protect their egos. Or they would have been called ego-mates.

My first responsibility is to be true to my self. I lose that, I lose everything else in the end anyway. I might as well just lose him now.

Thank God we haven't even met in person!!! (He kept postponing it with all sorts of reasons, and now he wants to meet, but only as friends.)

He seems to have forgotten that I have keen insight into human nature too.

Of course, I said no. Why would I even want to meet a man who only makes me feel humiliated now?

If this is the price for authenticity, then I'm paying full fare. And keep the change.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

You Never Gave Up On Me

*press the green button to play the music; turn your speakers on and sing your heart out : )

sung by Crystal Gayle

For all the times you stood by me
Through right and wrong,
For being there to catch me when I’d fall,
I love you for your faith in me,
For all the joys you've given me,
But there’s one thing makes me love you most of all.

You never gave up on me when I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can't work
You stayed to see it through.
You never gave up on me when I was
Making things rough on you
And you showed me what it really means to love somebody.

And though sometimes we might not see things eye to eye,
You've always met me more than half the way,
So for all the times I've let you down
When you could have packed your things and gone,
I love you most of all because you stayed.

And you never gave up on me
When I was giving love up on you,
Never mattered who was right or wrong,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me,
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.

There were times I just knew
You did not understand my moods,
All those long and sleepless nights I put us through,
But you stuck by me anyway,
Gave me love everyday
And now there’s nothing,
In this world I wouldn't do for you.

'Cause you never gave up on me,
When I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can't work,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.

'Cause you never gave up on me,
When I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can’t work,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Power of Listening to One's Heart

excerpts from the e-book i am re-reading today--

when you practice listening to your heart, it will affect men in two ways: either they will respond or they will rebel. There will be some men who will be threatened by your feelings, because they will only be interested in you taking care of them. He is so fragile that he feels he always has to be right, and wants the women in his life to take care of all his needs, like a mother would. When dealing with this immature man, be careful. Consider that it could take a long time to influence such maturity, if even possible.

If your man reacts with anger or aggressiveness when you begin putting these insights into practice, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you did anything wrong. In fact, it’s quite possible that you might be doing everything exactly right. When a woman is heart-centered and utilizes her intuition, it has an amazing affect on a man.

A woman who puts her heart first causes the character of a man to be revealed, whether it is good or bad.


If you are a woman who is both sincere and confident (because you listen to your Heart), you won’t be able to be controlled or shamed. It will infuriate an insecure and injured man, who must dominate every woman in order to distract himself from his own pain. Think of him as having a hole in his heart so deep, it can never be filled. While you might want to try and help him, short of a literal miracle, you can’t. If he isn’t willing to grow you cannot do it for him.

A person who is at ease with himself will feel at ease with a sincere and confident woman, too. They will cheer for your success and confidence (and not bring you down).

***

hmmm... reminds me of somebody i lived with for 10 years, until around some five years ago... and the only reason why i finally saw the light and mustered up the courage to leave ... was when i listened to my Heart.

i was right all along, huh. i've never heard the affirmation for what i did said or explained this way as it is written here now, though.

thank you, dear Heart!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

My Ideal

"Love is something difficult and it is more difficult than other things because in other conflicts nature herself enjoins men to collect themselves, to take themselves firmly in the hand with all their strength, while in the heightening of love the impulse is to give oneself wholly away.



Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate-?); it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world for himself in another's sake.

So whoever loves must try to act as if he had a great work: he must be much alone and go into himself and collect himself and hold fast to himself; he must work; he must become something!"

-Letters to a Young Poet, Rainier Maria Rilke


***

more from Rilke:

... a state in which there would be space and freedom for growth, and in which each partner would be the means of releasing the other...

... a relation that is meant to be of one human being to another... and this more human love (that will fulfill itself, infinitely considerate and gentle, and good and clear in binding and releasing) will resemble that which we are, with struggle and endeavor preparing, the love that consists in this-- that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.


***

from "A Gift from the Sea", Anne Morrow Lindbergh:


I believe there is, after the oyster bed, an opportunity for the best relationship of all: not a limited, mutually exclusive one, like the sunrise shell, and not a functional, dependent one, as in the oyster bed, but the meeting of two whole, fully developed people as persons.

It would be... (from) Scottish philosopher McMurray... a fully personal relationship, that is "a type of relationship into which people enter as persons with the whole of themselves."

Personal relationships have no ulterior motives. They do not serve partial and limited ends. Their value lies entirely in themselves and for the same reason transcends all other values. And that is because they are relations of persons as persons.

***

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules.

The partners do not need to hold tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free...

To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand, only the barest touch in passing.

Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back-- it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together and being invisibly nourished by it.

The joy of such a pattern is not only the joy of creation or the joy of participation. Lightness of touch and living in the moment are intertwined.

But how does one learn this technique of the dance? Why is it so difficult? What makes us hesitate and stumble?

It is fear, I think, that makes one cling nostalgically to the last moment, or clutch greedily toward the next. Fear destroys "the winged life."

But, how to exorcise it? It can only be exorcised by its opposite, Love.

When the heart is flooded with Love, there is no room in it for fear, for doubt, for hesitation. And it is this lack of fear that makes for the dance.

When each partner loves so completely that he has forgotten to ask himself whether or not he is loved in return, when he only knows that he loves and is moving to its music-- then, and then only, are two people able to dance perfectly in tune to the same rhythm.

***

from "Living in the Light", Shakti Gawain:

We must be willing to let our relationships reveal themselves to us.

If we tune into ourselves, trust ourselves and express ourselves fully and honestly with each other, the relationship will unfold in its own unique and fascinating way.

Each relationship is an amazing adventure; you never know exactly where it will lead. It keeps changing its mood, flavor, and form from minute to minute, day by day, year to year. At times it may take you closer to one another. At other times it may take you farther apart.

There is one thing you can count on, though. Relationships lived in this way will always take you into deeper levels of yourself and a stronger trust of the Universe. This, in time, will be reflected in a deeper intimacy and closeness with others.

***

Real commitment makes no guarantees about a relationship's form; real commitment allows for the fact that form is constantly changing and that we can trust that process of change.

It opens the door to the true intimacy that is created when people share deeply and honestly with one another.

If two people stay together on this basis, it's because they really want to be together. They continue to find an intensity of love and learning with each other as they change and grow.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Only Guarantee

to be true to my self,

and to be honest and kind to you,

at all times.

that is all we can ever really guarantee.

the rest are open

to the whims and vicissitudes

of Life

and Fate.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Chastity

it's interesting how the Universe nudges/sends signs and signals on whether you're on the right track or not...

i have recently been aimlessly wondering if and when i should break my self-imposed two-year "continence"-- or if ever, if it's not with M, since i don't see my self making love with anybody else except M now, when the right time comes... --then i get this in my inbox!

i have been on the right track, after all.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Goddess Ways

the point of divinity is creating life, and the naturally generative, sexual, joyful, erotic, nourishing, beautiful, connecting, loving parts of women (and men, who wake up to their powerful feminine parts) and Nature is divinity manifested.

the Divine has never been just masculine... (click on this link to watch the video "Divine Feminine")

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Timeless Ways

"Do not think that you can direct the course of Love, for Love, if It finds you worthy, directs you in its Path."

- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

i am learning that a close romantic relationship is not really just for making your dreams come true, having your deepest needs and desires satisfied, although it seems like that in the first 3 months of falling in love : > ; it is, more accurately, an invitation to growth.

since you open your self up so intimately to one other human being to let all the good and happy feelings from falling in love flow, you also open your self up so vulnerably to let all the buried hurts, pain, brokenness and all the not-so-happy and not-so- beautiful feelings come out.

is it a coincidence that sometimes, it is precisely the peculiar idiosyncracies in your Beloved that triggers all these not-so-happy and not-so-beautiful feelings to come out? i think not.

they are there for a reason, and we meet them at a stage in our life where, deep inside, we must be ready to move on, to grow on, to heal further and become wholer, if only we accept Love's invitation and take the challenge of working on our selves to painstakingly and lovingly craft the relationship of our dreams.

these are what i mean when i previously reflected on how im learning "the Timeless ways of loving, and being loved by, M..."

***

before M, i used to have these very deepseated fears of not being good enough, lovable enough, beautiful enough, worthy enough just as i am, that if a man is not paying enough (which is constantly, every day) attention to me, then he must be leaving me for another better, more lovable, more worthy... ( i did finally love a man who paid me more than enough attention, but then it were his own fears that finally came between us that i had to let go to keep my sense of self still...)

anyway, so it would happen that i would react in either of two ways: fight or flight.

if i chose to fight, id throw a tantrum, demand why he was not paying enough attention to me. for a while, it would be cute, even adorable. but over a longer period of time, it's just basically childish and unattractive. i myself am ashamed by it.

so more often than not, my preferred response was to take flight, whether literally or figuratively: get busy in work and my myriad projects, entertain other men, make my life so full my man's lack of attention wouldn't really matter any more. most often, too, though, they would eventually backfire on me.

it's easier taking flight literally; the man is left so confused and dazed, he develops a lifelong pining for me. and perhaps, my being able to quite easily attract new other men to substitute for the old one is both a blessing and a curse. because i would just keep doing the same thing over and over; different names, different faces, same plot.

taking flight figuratively is messier. the man thinks everything is okay, while i boil deep inside. the resentment and increased feeling of being not understood at all, thus not loved at all, grows, until my anger turns to hate, then disgust and disrespect, until the relationship dies without even a fight, by default, because the issues of unmet needs were not faced.

either way, i trudge on, with all these secret baggage, hoping for a new beginning, a new story, a new ending, or no ending at all, with another man.

but with M, i am learning that fight or flight won't work. he sees through me and calls my bluff, gently and lovingly even if noisily, too. and he is not afraid to tell me that what im doing is hurting him.

so i have to learn new responses. and the new response i am learning these days, is simply to stay. to stay put, tremble and shake in my terrible fears and fury, but to stay, even so. to stay and face my demons, wrestle with them, learn more about them, expose them, fight them, love them , work with them-- but to stay, through it all.

then, there are his eccentricities and idiosyncracies and own deepseated fears, which further set off my fears. but i am learning, too, these days, that i don't need to take them personally. that they are his own, and his own to deal with, but since they seem to be more of a problem for me than for him (he's dealing with them already, what is my problem still?), then it is my own interpretation of his eccentricities and idiosyncracies that i have to deal with and work on, on my own.

and this is what i meant by learning the"Timeless ways" of Love...

... of thinking beyond just getting my own needs met and throwing a tantrum or running away if they're not met, of becoming more aware of the unkind thoughts/things i do to my self and to him and to our love, and learning how if i don't let go of them they will poison and kill me, him, our love...

... of patience, and kindness, and forbearance, and faith, and hope, and knowing when to keep still and quiet, and knowing when to move and speak... of the ways of Life and the Universe, of growing and relating, of growing up...

... of true Love, i guess, at last.

***

but the movies only talk of the excitement of falling in love, never about the terrifying adventure of staying in love.

and so i have no script to go by on, and must invent my own as i go along, as we go along, all my cherished hopes and dreams, lumped in with all my most secret fears and terrors, all in my hands, offered up, out in the open at last, trembling in the realization of something both so Holy and so frail...

... and so i tremble on each day, each time, ...

yet now i stay.

yet, still i tremble, too.