Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Sorceress' Wisdom

The more you lavish
slavish attention
on him
While I shun 
him
in deep Silence,
the more he becomes
more mine
than 
yours.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

S.O.S.

Help!
I am in danger
of falling
into his arms
if you
don't catch me now.

Friday, August 13, 2010

In another life

In another life
more than three years ago
I would have chafed at the thought
that I could not speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.













In this life
now, with you
It matters to me more
that I not hurt you
intentionally, or worse--
unintentionally--
when I speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.

There is no fun in it anymore.

Loss of "freedom"?
Or growing depth in true loving?

In another life
the answer would have been
quick and glib.

It is not so anymore.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

morning rush, morning ritual, random morning thoughts

i woke up to a cold, rainy morning thinking it was only 6am, to find out soon  after checking my cellphone clock that it was already 6:59am!

out i jumped from the bed, waking up Polo who was still snuggled in his comforter beside me, and then going to the girls' room and announcing the Time.  it was a flurry of activities after then.

Thea went for her shower, while i asked the household help to transfer Polo's lunch into a neutral-colored Tupperware container as she put it in Bea's old pink (!) lunch box as i checked on Polo's and Bea's bags and their assignment notebooks which we failed to work on last night coming home late and tired from having to wait for Polo finish his soccer practice, then called out Polo's and Bea's names over and over again as i did Polo's Social Studies and English assignments while i instructed the household help next to bring Polo's and Bea's uniforms to them and wake them up for real.

we left the house by 7:30am and i got them in school by 7:50am, 5 minutes late.

sigh.

at 8am, i come home to a quiet house at last, turned on the pc to prepare it for later, put on Bach on the music player, and sat with myself as i ate my breakfast of rice, sunnyside ups, salted fish (tabagak) and corned beef, finishing it off with a banana and hot chocolate.  but not before i talked with the help on which kitchen stock needs replenishing and discussed lunch and dinner to prepare for today.

as i sat there eating, i thought of the things i had to do for today--resume checking my Econ. classes' papers, go back to the beauty parlor i went to yesterday to have them retouch 3 of my manicured fingernails, buy the kitchen stock needed at home, then go to the office by 3pm so Bea can use the laptop when her schoolday ends and while we wait for her two other siblings end their schoolday, review the thesis paper i will panel for by 430pm, panel at 430pm, then bring everyone home by early evening and catch up with Polo and Bea on their homeworks.

i also had this stray thought-- there goes a day in the life of a 41-year-old single mom who lived in the year 2009, who managed not to let the morning rush stress get to her or else, she would have driven her and her children off to a morning car accident (!).

that thought was followed by another on a completely different track-- how Polo cried and threw a stomping tantrum last night when Thea just announced to no one in particular that she's watching "The Proposal" on dvd again and simply plopped down and changed the tv channel to video mode, when Polo and Bea have been watching a show on cable already.

for a while, there was a squabble, and it only stopped when i stepped in to ask Thea, who insisted that she already informed everyone about it, if she also waited for everyone's "permission" to her "information". Thea still protested but weakly this time, while she switched the tv back on to cable mode and went to her room to stew.

and i thought how, of all the three of them, Polo has the most sensitive heart and keenest sense of justice and injustice, while the girls have a tendency to try to get their way no matter what if they are not called on it.

and then, another thought-- how i see and know my children's hearts so well, and how, if i as a human parent, can know things this way, how much more our Heavenly Parent?

and now i sit at this pc, writing on this blog again, unwrapping my day, as Bach keeps me centered as best as i can be centered this morning.

Friday, April 10, 2009

My Tarot.com Horoscope Today : )

The Universe affirms me in my actions (despite my doubts and fears,which I have decided to bulldoze through with action anyway...)-- yay, thank you, God! : )

***

Friday, Apr 10th, 2009 -- If there really are angels, they are watching over you today. It's as if an unseen hand is clearing your way through a difficult situation. Don't fight the assistance now, even if you don't understand where it's coming from. Rest assured that your actions are being supported, so be bold and take a risk to help someone else. In this way you can receive the blessings and benefits of propitious Jupiter and then, in turn, pass them along to others who could use a little magic in their lives, too.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Away

away, you
have decided
to stay

away, i
have decided
to love you
anyway.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

"My One Boobed Mamma" now on Amazon and B&N!


My third children's book, My One Boobed Mamma, is now on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble! Yay!

(Please click on "Amazon.com" and "Barnes and Noble" above to link to the exact pages. Thank you!)

Happy International Women's Day to all the brave and soulful women out there!

Saturday, February 07, 2009

if i stay

if i stay
it is more for me
than for you
or us.

for once in my life
i don't want to be
the "Goodbye Girl"
anymore.

so

with what is (not) happening
now,
with any other love
before--
i'd walk away.

with you,
i'll stay.

riddle of the heart

the Present, departing (?);
the Past, approaching--
whom will my Future be with?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

25 (not so) Random Things

Rules: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 Things

1. I am half Chinese by blood, a fourth Spanish, and a fourth crazy. Err, I also meant a fourth Filipino (but who is the Filipino with no other races' blood mixed in)?
2. I am a reluctant Chinese. I spent my kindergarten, elementary and high school years in a Chinese school, but I refuse to speak Chinese. Probably out of rebellion for the very strict, authoritarian (no questions asked, especially from girls) upbringing.
3. Funny thing, though-- I LOVE Chinese food!
4. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
5. When I grew up I wanted to be a book author. But then, Papa said writers starve. So then, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, Papa said with my very sensitive (he called it weak) constitution, I couldn't stand the pressure. So then, I wanted to be a nun. Papa went speechless with that. : )
6. Now I'm a happy book author and teacher and mother.
7. I discovered as early as age 6 that what I fervently, earnestly prayed for with all my heart, mind and soul, came true.
8. At age 6, I prayed that my (baptismal) name that I was using then, "Jeanette", be changed into "Mary Jane" (because of a popular song then which went, "Mary Jane of my mind..."). When I entered grade 1, the school asked for my civil-registered birth certificate, and lo and behold, even my parents were surprised and confused, my name was registered as "Mary Jean"! : O Civil registry clerks had a lot of power then... they typed whatever was convenient for them, and parents signed without checking.
9. Lately though, I've been using "Jeanette" again-- my spiritual name, as I've come into my own, come back to my own spirit at last.
10. I still feel so eternally blessed that I was able to pass through the proverbial needle of
a horrible marriage, had it annulled both civilly and in church, and came out much better for it. That's why I'm so careful now with just thoughtlessly giving my precious freedom away again... Uh-oh, not this time. I peer keenly into a man's CHARACTER now, especially in stressful, conflict situations. That's always the best test. (Shhh... sometimes when the going gets too easy... I make myself BE the stress! :> )
11. There are only 3 Rules I live by now-- always be true to your Self/follow your heart; be honest, be kind.
12. My deal-breakers: dishonesty (yes, including not being true to one's word) and cruelty in all forms.
13. I am an incurable romantic and indefatigable optimist.
14. I also love sex... and good food, and travel, and learning about many cultures, and books, and Nature, and long walks, and children, and good coffee with good conversation ... well, all the abundance of Life, really!
15. I am tired of starting all my sentences with "I" here, and my mind is going blank. But, Adeline started this, and is waiting for my turn.
16. I meditate regularly, almost daily, for 30-minutes to an hour. It keeps me centered.
17. I write on my journal daily, too. It keeps my mind clear.
18. I am relieved to see I'm on No. 18 now! : )
19. I can never over-repeat this: I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
20. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
21. I am also allergic to alcohol. Once I passed out just from Maria Clara Sangria. And even if I just taste beer suds or take a sip of wine or whisky, I turn beet red. Once in Romania, though, I drank two bottles of red wine, straight, just to keep warm. And then my older companions advised me to drink pitchers of water at the hotel afterwards, to prevent a hangover. I woke up very late, but feeling heavenly, with no allergic rashes at all. Maybe that's the exception.
22. There are only a few things I want to devote my energies to for the rest of my life now: being in good health (for me and my loved ones); living a happy Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family life with my Soulmate for the rest of our lives; helping touch and transform others for the better through my gifts in writing and speaking; and traveling the world with my Love and our children.
23. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
24. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
25. I am allergic to blamers and complainers. Enough said.

Thank you for reading down to here--congratulations! : )

Now it's your turn.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Today's Quote

Take the word victim off of your person--out of your vocabulary. It reeks with the old energy and does not suit your magnificence.
-Kryon

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Pumps


i bought a new pair of pumps and wore them to school on the first day of second semester today!

yes, good old, solid, sensible, plain black, 1 and 1/2-inch- heeled pumps!



and im intent on wearing them during "uniform" days, 4 days a week, on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays now. : )

imagine that. me, who always chafed and strained against wearing shoes like these. the only other pair of pumps i have is plain and black indeed, but with a sexy design at the arch and at three-inched heels at that (more fit for bedroom play than for walking around school corridors heehee!)

if shoes tell the many moods of a woman and the phase in life she's in, well maybe mine has always been open and free-spirited-- with open-toed, stringed sandals; whimsical designs and flirty colors, or colored/patterned pumps with pointy ends and in all sorts of heel types and lengths.

now, i've come to this.

THIS.

i must really be finally settling down deep inside, huh. : )

hmmm...


i still have to get to wearing the current prescribed school uniform, though, as my uniform is still "any-form" that i feel like wearing.

heehee.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Have I Become A Crone Even Before Menopause? (Is this Why I Sometimes Feel I am Neither Here nor There, Never Belonging Anywhere?)

From "Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women" by Jean Shinoda Bolen:

I am proposing that it is time to reclaim and redefine 'crone' from the word pile of disparaging names to call older women, and to make becoming a 'crone' a crowning inner achievement of the third phase of life.

To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage, and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows.

Those crone qualities are not acquired overnight. One does not become a full-fledged crone automatically following menopause, any more than growing older and wiser go hand in hand. These are decades that follow menopause in which to grow psychologically and spiritually.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

How can a woman tell if her man is about to propose?

I just asked this question in Yahoo Answers. I have three days to find out.

I would appreciate some answers NOW, though, so I'm posting it here, in case some kind soul deigns to help...

Thank you!

Friday, August 01, 2008

10 Ways to Honor Yourself

To recognize and be ready for the Love you deserve, you have to start with loving your self in the way you deserve.

How?

Here are 10 suggestions.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Stop Acting Small, 2

Barbara Stanny, in Secrets of Six-Figure Women, says,

Every time you leave the beaten path and aim for the exceptional, every time you silence your fear and speak with your own voice, every time you stop acting small and start taking up space, you are owning your power and emancipating others to follow in your footsteps.

***

Read "Stop Acting Small", 1 here.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

I just took this online self-quiz and I am glad my results (0-4) confirm what I already know: I am in a healthy, loving, affirming one at last!

But, answering the test brought on memories of previous relationships with horrific levels of toxicity!!! Ohhhh, by the grace of God...!

Well, one can never know and appreciate Light without experiencing darkness, too, I guess.

Still, what a blessing and supreme joy to have finally arrived where I am, at last!

Thank you, God, for Your Amazing Love and Grace!!!

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Bride of Cheerios

Do you eat it or marry it?

I love this video by Martha Williamson, a timely reminder on why we shouldn't settle for less-- in anything, but particularly in love relationships.

Please click on the title above to watch the video.

Monday, February 04, 2008

for B

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life


A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My Love Language

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time: 10
Words of Affirmation: 6
Acts of Service: 5
Receiving Gifts: 5
Physical Touch: 4


Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Monday, November 19, 2007

Self-Care 101: Beating the Blues Positively

it's that time again.

it's been a very rainy and cold Monday morning here; the kids are at school, im alone in the house, trying to trudge on with an editing project and the data analysis for my project paper which have been taking so long to finish, mainly for my lack of heart in these endeavors. but finish them, i must, if only so i can move on fresh and free with my fulltime writing dreams now...

im feeling lonesome, and needing some cheerful company, even some warm cuddling. sigh. but there's no one around. all the other important people in my world are engrossed in their own lives. sigh. even my email alert notifications have been silent and inactive for an hour now! : (

...

i run through the list of options in my mind, "tricks" in the bag i've discovered for my self that help me pick me up again healthily and happily. even just thinking about them while taking my shower, and then having my lunch alone, is already making me smile...

here they are (i do any one, or two, or all; whatever suits my fancy... and the degree of my need)--

1. take a longer shower than usual, really going about the shampooing and soaping slow and easy, in a pampering way... while repeating positive meditation mantras, or what i call my emergency mantra learned from Silva, when the dark cloud over my head is really about to oppress me: "negative thoughts, negative suggestions, have no influence over me at any level of mind."

2. sit down with my self over a proper, healthy lunch, even if i'm alone; really set the table for my self, with all the good plates and glassware and cutlery in place (treating my self like i would a very special guest; honoring my self, so to speak... goddesses don't eat on the run, they eat mindfully : > ); and making sure to eat only healthy food (my lunch for today: pesto on pasta, and mixed vegetable juice), because if i give in to the temptation of bingeing (emotional eating) on sweets, chocolates, ice cream, junk, i already know id just feel even worse afterwards. so as a preventive measure, i really just stock up on healthier foods now, and when the kids have the sweets, etc., with them, when im really tempted, i just take a bite, to satisfy the need for the flavor.

3. drink lots of water, while repeating another set of positive meditation mantra again : ) (don't laugh; check out how our thoughts affect even water crystals by searching for Dr. Masaru Emoto and his water experiments, or click here). it helps in several ways: i feel fuller so i don't need to eat more, the positive thoughts while drinking water do help me feel better even if it's just the symbolic physicality of ingesting the positives into your body, drinking lots of water speeds up metabolism; good for calorie-burning!, and a habit of water drinking clears the skin, the body, the mind.

4. write my current thoughts and feelings on my journal or blog, without any judgment, just expressing everything down; somehow the act of getting them down on paper (or blog) removes them from you.

5. sleep (i already did this earlier today, after i arrived home at 8am after bringing the kids to school).

6. self-pleasure. : ) (not in the mood, i need B's additional inspiration for this... : >)

7. list down all the things i am thankful for (never fails!)-- just thinking right now of how i could be so lucky just staying at home and doing what i want to do, when most everyone else in the world are struggling with work, even jobs they hate and people they don't like, instantly zaps major chunks of blues away

8. go to the beauty salon for a treat (pedicure, manicure, foot spa, hot oil, facial; any one or two, or the whole works, if it's really a major self-care job im needing)

9. go to the spa for a full body massage

10. date my self at my favorite restaurants

11. put on clothes i look good, feel good in, even some makeup and perfume, even while im just at home (not doing the perfume and makeup now; im not THAT down yet :> )

(also, not in the mood for 8-11 right now; it's too rainy and gloomy outside; i don't even want to go out and drive in this weather!)

12. meditate/pray to God to help me get out of my funk! ( i already did this at 3am today; it worked for a while, but i woke up to another funk the second time after... maybe i should do another session right after this, this morning's "dosage" was obviously not enough to last me the whole day...)

hmmmmm...

i actually already feel better now!!! : )

and i didn't have to shop (like most women i know like to do) and spend money better used for more necessary things, or bitch around and make other people also miserable!

and that's the best and most positive thing about these all.

oh, thank you, God.

getting through this seemingly mundane struggle is a spiritual feat in itself!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

My Lucky Love Color

my results -- (right on,again! : >)

Your Lucky Love Color is Purple

When someone gets to know you, the first thing they notice is how romantic you are. The most romantic of all the colors, in fact.
You are a big flirt and a total tease. Your antics get you in trouble, but they also get you what you want.
And unlike what your color might suggest, you are not a princess of any sort. If anything, you make your man feel like a prince.
Your heart is dreamy and open. You don't put restrictions on love - because you never know what can happen.

What Type of Beauty Are You?

my results-- (right on! : > )

You Are a Classic Beauty!

You have a timeless beauty that looks great in every decade
Instead following trends, you stick to what works
And this means you never skimp on your beauty routine
Upside? Your classic looks tends to attract gentlemen - not boys.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Born for You




by David Pomeranz

Too many billion people
Running around the planet
What is the chance in heaven
That you'd find your way to me?
Tell me what is this sweet sensation?
It's a miracle that's happened
Though I search for an explanation
Only one thing it could be -

That I was born for you
It was written in the stars
Yes, I was born for you
And the choice was never ours
It's as if the powers of the universe
Conspired to make you mine
And til the day I die,
I bless the day that I was born for you

Too many foolish people
Trying to come between us
None of them seem to matter
When I look into your eyes
Now I know why I belong here
In your arms I found the answer
Somehow nothing would seem so wrong here
If they'd only realise

That I was born for you
And that you were born for me
And in this random world,
This was clearly meant to be
What we have the world could never understand
Or ever take away
And till the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

What we have the world could never understand
Or ever take away
And as the years go by
Until the day I die
I bless the day that I was born for you

Women In Art

This is a beautiful celebration of womanhood. I just sat in peaceful contemplation and gazed at it as it played. The comments below the video in the original YouTube broadcast (by eggman913) are funny but interesting, though. Still, I think too much analysis detracts from the simple appreciation of Beauty.

When the Heart Calls

I LOVE this love story!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Strong Woman: Empowering Feminine Energy

from www.dailyom.com--

So often in our world we tend to think of strength as a quality that arises from a place of firm determination and a will to succeed no matter the cost. Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does—she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength.

Listening to the feminine side of ourselves may not seem easy at first for this type of energy is something that is often overlooked in many aspects of our everyday lives. If we can connect with this part of who we are, however, we will find that there is an unlimited wellspring of strength available to us. Our capacity to tap into our intuition and listen to our inner guides, to take into account the needs of those around us, and to view a situation with compassion and love are ways that we can show the world the true power that is part of our feminine nature. When we learn to integrate this source of strength into our daily tasks and decision-making, we will find that we can be more flexible and open to the things that happen around us and more receptive to new ideas. Not only will we see the world in a different light, but we will truly start to realize the potential for this form of energy to both empower ourselves and those around us.

As we cultivate our feminine energy we can redefine the meaning of strength. By embracing our feminine power as something that is strong in its own right, we are able to use it with true assurance and determination and draw upon what truly belongs to us.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

old love songs

yesterday, i woke up at 2am.

after happily talking with B, i proceeded to putter around, unpack and sort the rest of my luggage, and prepare the kids' bags for school.

all the while i was listening to my saved meditation music, but when it was all done, i decided to try my old collection of saved love songs again, back when i was still in love with M...

i was pleasantly surprised to find that the songs have no effect on me at all anymore, except in my feeling of appreciation for them as songs i've always liked.

i used to dread opening the file some months ago, as they only made me cry and broke my heart some more. some days, at best, i would feel an aching pang inside.

but yesterday,... no more.

ohhhh, joy!!!

i am healed, at last.

i am whole again, to give my heart fully again, this time.

it's time for new love songs now.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Color Rose I Am : )



You are an enchanting person, full of mystery. You possess an almost regal quality to you, and indeed you are often the best at whatever you choose to do. Everything you do is full of majesty and grace. You are not prone to crazy antics or wild stunts. You are more reserved in your thoughts and deeds - you think through everything you do or say. You are highly intellectual and can constantly amaze those around you with your leaps of logic and insight into life. Your friends and loved ones regard you with equal parts love and awe. You are a remarkably regal person in thought and deed - congratulations!


(Click on the title to get to the quiz, "What Color Rose Are You?")

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

the women in my family

living in close quarters with them makes me realize and appreciate the emotional strength and courage and intuitive wisdom the women in my family all share.

it makes me see, too, though, how in some other ways, i can never be like them in terms of the games that they play on each other and their men, ways which have and always make me feel different and left out, and which i used to think was a "weakness" on my part, that i was never woman enough...

one has a tendency to manipulate others with "i told you sos" and snide remarks on how things could have been done better; the other is direct and upfront and speaks her mind but still has this devious trick of cutting you down with one remark, usually beginning with pointing out some generally unnoticed part of your appearance, and then putting you down with a comment about it in one swipe.

another has a tendency to be a pleaser, always asking you for your agreement on something, and then a huffy-puffy sense of wounded pride, always perceiving any comment you make as referring to her, especially a slight on her.

another is generally easy-going, except that when she sees you dressed well and looking good, she makes up for it by putting on too much makeup, if she cannot match how you dress...

but they are the ones with their men, while i still have to be with my own, for keeps.

does it take being devious and manipulative to have a man in your life? sometimes, i wonder.

hmmm.... maybe it does, depends on the quality of the man who will put up with it, i guess.

maybe they're just lucky.

or maybe i'm the lucky one. who knows? : )

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The Secret of a Durable Union

To unite your physical existences and your material interests,
to associate yourselves so as to face together the difficulties and successes,
the defeats and victories of life - this is the very basis of marriage -
but you know already that it does not suffice.

To be united in feelings,
to have the same tastes and same aesthetic pleasures,
to vibrate together in a common response to the same things,
one by the other and one for the other
- it is good, it is necessary
- but it is not enough.

To be one in profound sentiments,
your affection, your feelings of tenderness for each other
not varying in spite of all the shocks of existence;
withstanding weariness, nervous irritations and disappointments,
to be always and in every case happy, most happy to be together;
to find, under all circumstances, one in the presence of the other, rest, peace and joy
- it is good, it is very good, it is indispensable
- but it is not enough.

To unite your mentalities,
your thoughts harmonizing and becoming complementary to each other, your intellectual preoccupations and discoveries shared between you;
in a word, to make your spheres of mental activity identical
through a broadening and an enrichment acquired by the two at the same time
- it is good, it is absolutely necessary
- but it is not enough.

Beyond it all, at the bottom, at the centre, at the summit of the being,
there is the Supreme Truth of the being, an Eternal Light,
independent of all circumstances
of birth, of country, of environment, of education;
the origin, cause and master of our spiritual development
- it is That that gives a definite orientation to our existence;
it is That that decides our destiny;
it is in the consciousness of this that you should unite.

To be one in aspiration and ascension,
to advance with the same step on the spiritual path
- such is the secret of a durable union."

- Sri Aurobindo

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dear Heart,


he said you were too honest;
it dredges up all his fears.

he said you were too spirited;
it makes him work so hard.

he said you were too bubbly;
it makes him feel worse about his life.

he said you were too unpredictable, following your heart;
it makes him think he's stupid for being with someone so insane...

he is wrong, dear heart.
dead wrong.
you know that.

he is both the stupid and insane one.

give him up, quick!

he is not a true friend of your heart, mind and soul,
no matter what he says.

give him up, quick!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Who's My Type?

i'm really into studying and preparing for my next romance now, and to do it-- not just right, but--better next time. so here's another advice i just read (please click on the title for the link to the article), and i'm pasting here the "checklist" for who's really my type and who's not to remind me of what to look out for and what to avoid as i seriously launch my Search now (this is the first time i'm consciously admitting to my self that i'm actually searching!!! Before, it was just "if it comes, okay, if it doesn't, okay, i still have the rest of my happy life"... no wonder it is only in the romance dept. where i've still not "gotten it together" when in the rest of my life, which i consciously direct and work and prepare for, i am already doing great! GIGO, Garbage In Garbage Out-- hit-or-miss In intentions, hit-or-miss Out results.)


Looking at the lists now, I am almost shocked to realize that M, whom I thought and felt was already my true and lasting Soulmate (mainly because of our astrological potentials!!! : O ), actually falls within the NOT MY TYPE more than in the MY TYPE list!!!
Of the six items in the NOT MY TYPE checklist, he fits FIVE (except for the last one, although he also had a tendency to criticize my interests and involvements)!!!

In the MY TYPE list, he did--

- excite me (intellectually, mostly)
- made me laugh (in the early months, mostly)
- helped me to be a better version of my self (mainly through tremendous emotional and spiritual growth, from the frustrations i experienced with him! but surely, now i think that i can be a better version of my self in a more positive, life-affirming way with another, no?)

ohhhhh THANK GOD, it DID NOT work out with M!!! (if i posted here the pictures of our meeting which my photojournalist friends took "on stakeout" : ), too, you would agree with me... heehee... but that would be too cruel, and i want to spare him that, even so...)

ohhhh, THANK YOU GOD!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

My Ideal Mate

This is the summary of what Eharmony says my Ideal Mate is like, after I answered their lengthy free in-depth Questionnaire 4 years ago (I only reviewed it now; I answered the Questionnaire way back in Oct. 2003! Regretfully, they don't have a free Questionnaire like it now, just one for Personality Profile)--

Some of your ideal mate's strongest personality characteristics are:

    He is very caring, compassionate and sensitive towards the needs of others.

    He has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and it is important to him to be the best person he can be at all times.

    He has a very strong intellect which he enjoys exercising.

    He generally prefers to solve problems based on rational causes, rather than emotions.

Some important qualities that your ideal partner brings to the relationship are:

    He has a great sense of humor.

    He appreciate life's amusing moments, and is good at sharing and even creating them.

    He is very good at communicating his thoughts and feelings.

    It is easy for him to see other's points of view.

Important goals and values for your ideal mate in a relationship are:

    He needs someone who shares his goals to have children and create a loving home.

    Family and parenting are key to him.

    Although he probably won't be strongly religious, it may be important to him that he shares his core spiritual beliefs with his life partner.

    He doesn't have wildly radical views about society or morality.


Now, why didn't I pay attention to this list sooner???

It should have saved me a lot of heartache...

But then again, would I have been willing to trade all the (mis?) adventures in the past 4 years for less heartache?

Not then, for sure.

Maybe now, though.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Eye-opener

From True-U Magazine (highlights mine)--

"Research on fear of commitment suggests that there are at least four different types of people with fear of commitment issues:
  • Some people tend to engage in relationships with people whom they are very incompatible with. These types of relationships always fail and serve to confirm the person's expectations that commitment is unattainable. In other words, these people sometimes select romantic partners who will reinforce their fear of becoming too close to them.
  • Other people tend to go back and forth with the same partner. One month they're together, the next month they're apart, the next month, together, the next they're apart, etc. This can go on for a very long time and allows people to carry on in a relationship without feeling committed. It's their way of avoiding commitment.
  • Other people are too idealistic. They're always in search of Mr. or Ms. Right. Unfortunately, "right" is equated with "perfect." Usually, people like this have exceedingly high standards for their partners. They have to be attractive, intelligent, physically fit, have a good sense of humor, be financially stable, have loving parents, a nice car, etc. etc. Anyone who fails to meet only one of those criteria is dropped.
  • Finally, there are people who find partners who are good matches, but then they pick them apart. The person is not attractive enough, they are too tall, they like heavy metal music, etc. No matter what the potential mate 's strengths are, people like this are able to dissect them to the point that they are no longer desirable.

For each of these types of people, the purpose is always to avoid becoming committed or intimate."

***

Now I understand why he has been discrediting me, naming the very qualities that make me very specially me as something negative:

- my positive outlook (too much bubbliness)
- my sensitivity and imagination (makes mountains out of molehills);
- my emotional honesty and clarity, transparently expressing what I feel at any given time (scary emotional rollercoaster);
- my being heart-centered, following its dictates (scary unpredictability)

Do I really need or want a man who cannot accept and appreciate me for who I am, and blames most of his fears and insecurities on me?

'Funny, too, how all these criticisms of his only came out in the weeks preceding his journey to come here.

I have been hurting very much lately, feeling very attacked, and that whatever I say or do is wrong. I have even started feeling insecure about my value as a person and as a woman.

I told him he is the only person in my life who has problems with me; in the rest of my life, all my relationships are good and healthy and positive, so maybe he might try checking if the problem is with him, in him, too?

He got mad, and blamed me some more for making him feel worse.

And now he's saying he's quickly fallen in love with somebody he has just met for two weeks (not an equal match from his description, but someone whom he feels comfortable with as she gives him "no fuss"!), while we've grown a deep friendship and love for a year now. and he calls the two-week euphoria true love. so can we at least be friends, he asks?

I pity him now. 48 and blind as a bat about what true loving really means, still. no wonder he has remained single for so long.

And why would I even want to be friends with someone who cannot take all of who I am, as I am?

He is still one of my soul mates, as I have grown so much emotionally and spiritually, just from knowing him and being known by him.

But, soulmates, to remain together, have to pass the tests of the heart and soul, too, not run away from them to protect their egos. Or they would have been called ego-mates.

My first responsibility is to be true to my self. I lose that, I lose everything else in the end anyway. I might as well just lose him now.

Thank God we haven't even met in person!!! (He kept postponing it with all sorts of reasons, and now he wants to meet, but only as friends.)

He seems to have forgotten that I have keen insight into human nature too.

Of course, I said no. Why would I even want to meet a man who only makes me feel humiliated now?

If this is the price for authenticity, then I'm paying full fare. And keep the change.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

You Never Gave Up On Me

*press the green button to play the music; turn your speakers on and sing your heart out : )

sung by Crystal Gayle

For all the times you stood by me
Through right and wrong,
For being there to catch me when I’d fall,
I love you for your faith in me,
For all the joys you've given me,
But there’s one thing makes me love you most of all.

You never gave up on me when I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can't work
You stayed to see it through.
You never gave up on me when I was
Making things rough on you
And you showed me what it really means to love somebody.

And though sometimes we might not see things eye to eye,
You've always met me more than half the way,
So for all the times I've let you down
When you could have packed your things and gone,
I love you most of all because you stayed.

And you never gave up on me
When I was giving love up on you,
Never mattered who was right or wrong,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me,
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.

There were times I just knew
You did not understand my moods,
All those long and sleepless nights I put us through,
But you stuck by me anyway,
Gave me love everyday
And now there’s nothing,
In this world I wouldn't do for you.

'Cause you never gave up on me,
When I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can't work,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.

'Cause you never gave up on me,
When I was giving love up on you,
Every time I thought this love can’t work,
You stayed to see it through,
You never gave up on me
When I was making things rough on you,
And you showed me what it really means to love.


Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Power of Listening to One's Heart

excerpts from the e-book i am re-reading today--

when you practice listening to your heart, it will affect men in two ways: either they will respond or they will rebel. There will be some men who will be threatened by your feelings, because they will only be interested in you taking care of them. He is so fragile that he feels he always has to be right, and wants the women in his life to take care of all his needs, like a mother would. When dealing with this immature man, be careful. Consider that it could take a long time to influence such maturity, if even possible.

If your man reacts with anger or aggressiveness when you begin putting these insights into practice, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you did anything wrong. In fact, it’s quite possible that you might be doing everything exactly right. When a woman is heart-centered and utilizes her intuition, it has an amazing affect on a man.

A woman who puts her heart first causes the character of a man to be revealed, whether it is good or bad.


If you are a woman who is both sincere and confident (because you listen to your Heart), you won’t be able to be controlled or shamed. It will infuriate an insecure and injured man, who must dominate every woman in order to distract himself from his own pain. Think of him as having a hole in his heart so deep, it can never be filled. While you might want to try and help him, short of a literal miracle, you can’t. If he isn’t willing to grow you cannot do it for him.

A person who is at ease with himself will feel at ease with a sincere and confident woman, too. They will cheer for your success and confidence (and not bring you down).

***

hmmm... reminds me of somebody i lived with for 10 years, until around some five years ago... and the only reason why i finally saw the light and mustered up the courage to leave ... was when i listened to my Heart.

i was right all along, huh. i've never heard the affirmation for what i did said or explained this way as it is written here now, though.

thank you, dear Heart!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

My Ideal

"Love is something difficult and it is more difficult than other things because in other conflicts nature herself enjoins men to collect themselves, to take themselves firmly in the hand with all their strength, while in the heightening of love the impulse is to give oneself wholly away.



Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate-?); it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world for himself in another's sake.

So whoever loves must try to act as if he had a great work: he must be much alone and go into himself and collect himself and hold fast to himself; he must work; he must become something!"

-Letters to a Young Poet, Rainier Maria Rilke


***

more from Rilke:

... a state in which there would be space and freedom for growth, and in which each partner would be the means of releasing the other...

... a relation that is meant to be of one human being to another... and this more human love (that will fulfill itself, infinitely considerate and gentle, and good and clear in binding and releasing) will resemble that which we are, with struggle and endeavor preparing, the love that consists in this-- that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.


***

from "A Gift from the Sea", Anne Morrow Lindbergh:


I believe there is, after the oyster bed, an opportunity for the best relationship of all: not a limited, mutually exclusive one, like the sunrise shell, and not a functional, dependent one, as in the oyster bed, but the meeting of two whole, fully developed people as persons.

It would be... (from) Scottish philosopher McMurray... a fully personal relationship, that is "a type of relationship into which people enter as persons with the whole of themselves."

Personal relationships have no ulterior motives. They do not serve partial and limited ends. Their value lies entirely in themselves and for the same reason transcends all other values. And that is because they are relations of persons as persons.

***

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on some of the same rules.

The partners do not need to hold tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay and swift and free...

To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand, only the barest touch in passing.

Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back-- it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together and being invisibly nourished by it.

The joy of such a pattern is not only the joy of creation or the joy of participation. Lightness of touch and living in the moment are intertwined.

But how does one learn this technique of the dance? Why is it so difficult? What makes us hesitate and stumble?

It is fear, I think, that makes one cling nostalgically to the last moment, or clutch greedily toward the next. Fear destroys "the winged life."

But, how to exorcise it? It can only be exorcised by its opposite, Love.

When the heart is flooded with Love, there is no room in it for fear, for doubt, for hesitation. And it is this lack of fear that makes for the dance.

When each partner loves so completely that he has forgotten to ask himself whether or not he is loved in return, when he only knows that he loves and is moving to its music-- then, and then only, are two people able to dance perfectly in tune to the same rhythm.

***

from "Living in the Light", Shakti Gawain:

We must be willing to let our relationships reveal themselves to us.

If we tune into ourselves, trust ourselves and express ourselves fully and honestly with each other, the relationship will unfold in its own unique and fascinating way.

Each relationship is an amazing adventure; you never know exactly where it will lead. It keeps changing its mood, flavor, and form from minute to minute, day by day, year to year. At times it may take you closer to one another. At other times it may take you farther apart.

There is one thing you can count on, though. Relationships lived in this way will always take you into deeper levels of yourself and a stronger trust of the Universe. This, in time, will be reflected in a deeper intimacy and closeness with others.

***

Real commitment makes no guarantees about a relationship's form; real commitment allows for the fact that form is constantly changing and that we can trust that process of change.

It opens the door to the true intimacy that is created when people share deeply and honestly with one another.

If two people stay together on this basis, it's because they really want to be together. They continue to find an intensity of love and learning with each other as they change and grow.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Only Guarantee

to be true to my self,

and to be honest and kind to you,

at all times.

that is all we can ever really guarantee.

the rest are open

to the whims and vicissitudes

of Life

and Fate.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Chastity

it's interesting how the Universe nudges/sends signs and signals on whether you're on the right track or not...

i have recently been aimlessly wondering if and when i should break my self-imposed two-year "continence"-- or if ever, if it's not with M, since i don't see my self making love with anybody else except M now, when the right time comes... --then i get this in my inbox!

i have been on the right track, after all.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Goddess Ways

the point of divinity is creating life, and the naturally generative, sexual, joyful, erotic, nourishing, beautiful, connecting, loving parts of women (and men, who wake up to their powerful feminine parts) and Nature is divinity manifested.

the Divine has never been just masculine... (click on this link to watch the video "Divine Feminine")

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Timeless Ways

"Do not think that you can direct the course of Love, for Love, if It finds you worthy, directs you in its Path."

- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

i am learning that a close romantic relationship is not really just for making your dreams come true, having your deepest needs and desires satisfied, although it seems like that in the first 3 months of falling in love : > ; it is, more accurately, an invitation to growth.

since you open your self up so intimately to one other human being to let all the good and happy feelings from falling in love flow, you also open your self up so vulnerably to let all the buried hurts, pain, brokenness and all the not-so-happy and not-so- beautiful feelings come out.

is it a coincidence that sometimes, it is precisely the peculiar idiosyncracies in your Beloved that triggers all these not-so-happy and not-so-beautiful feelings to come out? i think not.

they are there for a reason, and we meet them at a stage in our life where, deep inside, we must be ready to move on, to grow on, to heal further and become wholer, if only we accept Love's invitation and take the challenge of working on our selves to painstakingly and lovingly craft the relationship of our dreams.

these are what i mean when i previously reflected on how im learning "the Timeless ways of loving, and being loved by, M..."

***

before M, i used to have these very deepseated fears of not being good enough, lovable enough, beautiful enough, worthy enough just as i am, that if a man is not paying enough (which is constantly, every day) attention to me, then he must be leaving me for another better, more lovable, more worthy... ( i did finally love a man who paid me more than enough attention, but then it were his own fears that finally came between us that i had to let go to keep my sense of self still...)

anyway, so it would happen that i would react in either of two ways: fight or flight.

if i chose to fight, id throw a tantrum, demand why he was not paying enough attention to me. for a while, it would be cute, even adorable. but over a longer period of time, it's just basically childish and unattractive. i myself am ashamed by it.

so more often than not, my preferred response was to take flight, whether literally or figuratively: get busy in work and my myriad projects, entertain other men, make my life so full my man's lack of attention wouldn't really matter any more. most often, too, though, they would eventually backfire on me.

it's easier taking flight literally; the man is left so confused and dazed, he develops a lifelong pining for me. and perhaps, my being able to quite easily attract new other men to substitute for the old one is both a blessing and a curse. because i would just keep doing the same thing over and over; different names, different faces, same plot.

taking flight figuratively is messier. the man thinks everything is okay, while i boil deep inside. the resentment and increased feeling of being not understood at all, thus not loved at all, grows, until my anger turns to hate, then disgust and disrespect, until the relationship dies without even a fight, by default, because the issues of unmet needs were not faced.

either way, i trudge on, with all these secret baggage, hoping for a new beginning, a new story, a new ending, or no ending at all, with another man.

but with M, i am learning that fight or flight won't work. he sees through me and calls my bluff, gently and lovingly even if noisily, too. and he is not afraid to tell me that what im doing is hurting him.

so i have to learn new responses. and the new response i am learning these days, is simply to stay. to stay put, tremble and shake in my terrible fears and fury, but to stay, even so. to stay and face my demons, wrestle with them, learn more about them, expose them, fight them, love them , work with them-- but to stay, through it all.

then, there are his eccentricities and idiosyncracies and own deepseated fears, which further set off my fears. but i am learning, too, these days, that i don't need to take them personally. that they are his own, and his own to deal with, but since they seem to be more of a problem for me than for him (he's dealing with them already, what is my problem still?), then it is my own interpretation of his eccentricities and idiosyncracies that i have to deal with and work on, on my own.

and this is what i meant by learning the"Timeless ways" of Love...

... of thinking beyond just getting my own needs met and throwing a tantrum or running away if they're not met, of becoming more aware of the unkind thoughts/things i do to my self and to him and to our love, and learning how if i don't let go of them they will poison and kill me, him, our love...

... of patience, and kindness, and forbearance, and faith, and hope, and knowing when to keep still and quiet, and knowing when to move and speak... of the ways of Life and the Universe, of growing and relating, of growing up...

... of true Love, i guess, at last.

***

but the movies only talk of the excitement of falling in love, never about the terrifying adventure of staying in love.

and so i have no script to go by on, and must invent my own as i go along, as we go along, all my cherished hopes and dreams, lumped in with all my most secret fears and terrors, all in my hands, offered up, out in the open at last, trembling in the realization of something both so Holy and so frail...

... and so i tremble on each day, each time, ...

yet now i stay.

yet, still i tremble, too.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

My New Year's Resolution

Family and friends who know me would laugh at my one and only (well, there's a list, of course, but the rest in the list are just a finetuning, a continued improvement on old ones) new New Year's Resolution-- to learn how to cook and bake well, at last.

(blush! blush!)

Well, now that the house is pretty with the repainting and refurbishing done, all that's needed is the finishing touch, for the lady of the house to learn how to feed the One she loves, very well.

and in all ways.

: ) : ) : ) heehee!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Xooma

I have been an avid water drinker for the last 2 to 3 years now and I can personally attest to the health (clearer skin, more regular movement, even weight loss!) and mind (lighter feeling, focus, clarity) and lifestyle (simpler, cleaner, clearer, more peaceful, happier, more joyful way of life) benefits that come from simply drinking lots of water regularly.

And I basically adopted more water drinking as a way of life because of several initiating reasons: tight finances necessitated that my children and I drink water instead of our usual favorite beverages, which in turn led me to the pleasant discovery of feeling lighter and more focused and losing weight and looking good, which coincided with my meditation studies and practices, which led me to spiritual literature and spiritual cinema, like "What the Bleep Do You Know?", which mentioned the water experiments of a Japanese scientist, Dr. Masaru Emoto, on the amazing effects of both positive and negative thoughts on water!

So, when I received an invitation from Vance Alford to check out Xooma and after I read and studied what Xooma was all about, I became very excited! Somehow, it rang true to both my heart and experience! And somehow, too, things seem to be coming together, addressing my first reasons for turning into a water-rooted way of life: as a way to deal with tight finances and wanting not only to look and feel better about my self and my life in general, but living a life of Abundance in all ways.

It has been such a wondrous journey, and I believe Xooma is not just any MLM company out to fatten its Network by feeding off its downlines, but a unique business that both offers a product that not only improves health but even helps promote a more peaceful way of life, as well as lets everybody in on sharing all the Abundance this Universe yearns to give to us all!

In case you're wondering what I do (and whether I'm just one of those tree-hugging kookies talking about the Universe, etc. : >)-- well, I teach Economics, Cultural Studies and Communications courses at a well-respected university in our city, a freelance writer, researcher, speaker and trainer, and a multi-awarded children's book writer in my country, and I'm willing to put my name and reputation on the line for such a worthy endeavor as this!

: )

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Astrosync explains

sigh. if it weren't for my personalized Astrosync subscription of M and i, i'd go bonkers with his self-imposed funk!

good thing i have the Astrosync to keep things in bigger perspective. check this out, it has been like this for days now! no wonder.

*******

Your ability to connect right now is challenging (Red Light). There are some astrological factors that make it slightly more difficult to relate to MB right now. Fine tune your approach to him by honing in and adjusting your approach to these key aspects of relating.

How to attract MB :
Don't ask to much of MB, whose Mars is forming a challenging angle to the Moon. You're better off satisfying your own needs.
How to assert yourself with MB :
Some TLC from MB can give you a boost, which you probably need now that the Moon forms a challenging angle to your Mars.

*******

sigh.

at least, i have a definite reason not to take it personally. : )

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Advice needed

when her man is feeling down and out and unsure of himself and his capacities, how can a woman best support him and not get in his way at the same time?

i need advise from all good men out there, this time. (i've already had enough advise from women.)

help me, please!

Monday, November 06, 2006

First Step

i just signed up (and paid for) a Yahoo domain name of my own, and i am excited!... as the first step to another dream has now been made.

i have my work cut out for me when i take my one year's unpaid leave from my university work by June, 2007, as this will be one main project i want to get off the ground within then!

check it out here.

what do you think? : )

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Evolutionary Women

From Evolutionary Women's The Call -

As Evolutionary Women we are co-creating, with our brothers and sisters, an enlightened world that works for everyone. We’ve arrived at the critical time when our very survival depends on us becoming greater than we are now. Many experts, male and female, have acknowledged that the missing element in our social context has been the full participation of the Feminine Principle. We are the Feminine embodied. We are conscious that through our individual talents, skills and presence we contribute to the evolution of all of humanity, individual and collective.

And Barbara Marx Hubbard's explanation--

What is an Evolutionary Woman?

Something radically new is happening in our age around the roles of women. It is almost as though a new kind of woman is emerging.

In the west we are having fewer children and living longer lives. Women’s visibility is increasing as they participate at all levels of society. In less fortunate parts of the world, population pressures are impacting women as well, and the old dictum “be fruitful and multiply up to maximum” does not always apply.

The effect on women of this bio-evolutionary development is profound. We are shifting from procreation toward cocreation. There is a trend developing, away from reproducing ourselves toward evolving ourselves. Many of us are experiencing this trend as an upwelling of creativity, spirituality, and vitality. We find ourselves yearning for life purpose, chosen work, and a vocation that expresses our unique creativity for the good of the self and the larger human family.

I call this the rise of suprasexual cocreativity. Our life’s impulse now is expanding into the creative drive for purpose and self-expression.

We are recognizing ourselves as Evolutionary Women; Feminine Cocreators. We are building a new archetype, a new agency of evolution. This archetype is arising now during Late Transition on planet Earth, along with many crises that we are told might destroy our life support systems within our own lifetimes! It is clear that the current leadership, whether male or female, is not leading us in a direction that will carry through the transition to a future equal to our full potential.

The whole woman, the universal woman, the evolutionary woman, the feminine cocreator is now vital to the survival and evolution of our whole species.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Security

some part of me wonders if i should be worried that i am not worried. imagine that now.

haven't heard from M since last Saturday, and that's because he's off travelling, to make money for the bank he's now connected with, and of course for him self, for our dreams and goals... : )

i miss him terribly, of course. i look at his flight schedules at his account in AA.com (he gave me access to them early on, so at least i wouldn't worry too much with all sorts of wild imaginings), and i feel sorry for all the catch-up sleeping he must do at airports and in airplanes, with his after midnight to dawn flights, and his business meetings the rest of the day.

travelling around the globe used to sound so exotic and fun to me, but seeing it up close now, i am having second thoughts. : (

what is strange for me, though, is that, unlike with other loves before, i am not panicking in my missing him, when i used to really go down to the depths when i don't hear from a love for a few hours.

i miss him and yet when i think of him, i am filled with a delicious, warm, secure, happy feeling that all is right with the world, with our world particularly, especially since i know that he is working hard for our dreams. ive never had anyone invest in his life for me, for us, that way before, like i am some sort of a goddess (well.... i believe i am... heehee... but i never thought anyone else would believe as i believe!!!), and he going off to battle in the quest to lay his trophies at my feet .... : ) : ) : )

he is in my thoughts the whole day, and i talk to him secretly that way. yet, contemplating him, i am not filled with a sense of emptiness from his not being by my side yet; in fact, contemplating him, i am just so happily filled with him!

what a strange, strange experience, indeed.

so, this is what Trust is like, huh...

strange, strange, strange, new feeling.

i still can't get over it.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My Wish for You

whoever you are, if you have come to this place, i believe you are meant to read this. so here is my wish for you today (please click on the word "wish") ...

and please just pass it on. : )

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Holy Day Today

it's the end of one month, the beginning of another.

it's also just two weeks more before we-- my sister, my sister-in-law and i-- leave for the HK Show we have been preparing for for months already, to launch our new family export company, where i've been taking the lead role up to now.

so i took a break today and dated my self the whole day-- first for some cleansing and goddess pampering at the skin clinic, then off to the spa for a thai body scrub and aromatherapeutic massage, then capping it off with a hot oil, manicure, pedicure and foot spa treat at my favorite beauty salon. : ) my way of "arming" my self for the "battle" (i prefer to see it as an "adventure") ahead!!!

when i got home, Thea told me some people have been calling for me on the phone. i told her they called and texted me, too, while i was at the spa. but i kept my phone on silent, and texted them back only after i was done. Thea said she told one caller i was at the spa, and the caller wanted to know which spa, as they must have meant to follow me even there! : (

i told Thea not to do that next time, to reveal my whereabouts to people-- except family-- especially on a holy day like today. Thea quickly agreed.

goddesses deserve their day off, after all. : )

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

How Women Sabotage Relationships

From a Lifescript.com free subscription e-newsletter--

Amanda, 25, is a dynamic PR manager who’s rising quickly up the company ladder. She has a beautiful apartment, legs to die for and a six-figure salary. So why can’t she hold a steady relationship? Because every time she gets serious with a guy, she initiates the “where is this going?” talk – otherwise known as the kiss of death in any relationship. Read on for more fatal errors women make with their guys to find out how you could be sabotaging your relationship. Plus: take our quiz to find out if jealousy is jeopardizing your love life…


1. “I think I can change him”

You may be able to get him to pick up the dirty socks on the floor or stop clipping his toenails on the rug. But certain personality traits are inherent and no amount of cajoling or nagging can change them. Does he refuse to say he’s sorry, no matter how wrong he is? Does he insist on hanging out with the boys every Friday night? Women who constantly berate their partners for things they can’t change are headed for failure. The woman will feel ignored, and the man will feel constantly nagged. Facing the fact that your guy may never change can be hard, especially if you have to give up your dream of a happy future together. You can accept him the way he is, or better yet find someone else who’s more compatible with your desires and treats you well.

2. The dreaded “where is this going?” talk

When men hear the words, “Where is this going?” they freeze up. Women ask this question because there’s a lack of communication and they want to know where they stand. For example, if she wants a commitment but he doesn’t want to be tied down, then that’s an issue that needs to be brought into the open. Problem is, men don’t like to be put on the spot and discuss their feelings. And between us girls, we know it’s because they don’t know their feelings or how to handle them. So instead of trying to guarantee your future together, focus on your guy’s actions. Look for the little (and sometimes hidden) signs that he’s committed to the relationship. Does he open the door for you, answer the phone when you call and make an effort to impress your friends? If so, he’s investing in the relationship’s future. On the other hand, if the only time he calls you is to invite you over for hanky panky and can’t remember your favorite color or food, it’s safe to say he’s just not that into you.

3. Giving up your passions

Being in a relationship means making time for your man and keeping his needs in mind. But if his needs are the only thing you have in mind, there’s a problem. Living your life to please your partner and catering to his every need won’t make anyone happy. If you want a truly successful relationship, you must have other interests. If all you can talk about is what your man likes to eat for dinner and how he likes his shorts folded, then it’s time to get a life.
Think of the activities you used to do when single. Were you passionate about writing poetry, swimming or studying history? Making time for your boyfriend shouldn’t mean forgoing all the activities that you loved before. And don’t worry about leaving him alone while you jet off to Europe. He loves the downtime but would never admit it! And when you do come together, you’ll find that your relationship is fresher and you are both more interesting people because of your separate pursuits.

4. Living for the future

Many woman stay with a partner because they believe that somehow, the future will be better. Even though the present is filled with arguing and conflict, they hold out for the possibility that their luck will turn around. Of course, every relationship will has its rough patches, and if you’re both in love then it’s worth the effort to work out your issues. But if you’re arguing every day or you grow sad every time you think of him, then it doesn’t make sense to stay together. Occasionally, fights are okay, but your relationship should bring you happiness overall.

5. Dissing his friends

Like it or not, your man has known his buddies a lot longer than he’s known you. He may have friends who are like brothers to him, friends with whom he has shared his childhood and memories. Treat them like family – be gracious, complimentary and friendly, even if you think they’re complete losers. Being rude to those your boyfriend cares about could put him in the awkward position of having to choose between the two of you. If you love your man, you’ll make an effort to be gracious to those he cares for, including his friends and family.

Relationship etiquette comes down to a basic principle: Respect yourself and your partner. Even if they take extra time and work, having relationships matters because a happy union can protect your health, help you live longer and even boost your immune system. Relationships are complicated, but if you vow to never to commit these 5 relationship sins then you’ll be one step closer to your happily ever after.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Reclaiming Women's Wisdom, Women's Power

From "Romancing the Ordinary: A Year of Simple Splendor" by Sarah Ban Breathnach:

Women were created to experience, interpret, revel in, and unravel the mysteries of Life through their senses. Our senses speak the secret language of the soul—longing. If there is anything every woman understands—whether she is single or married, eighteen or eighty—it is the dialect of desire.

Emotion is the feminine mother tongue Think of how often the senses are evoked in our casual conversation to convey a women’s inner life: "I was so touched..." "I heard that..." "I see your point." "I felt misunderstood." "I could taste it, I wanted it so badly." "I had a hunch you’d call."

And yet how often in the course of one day do you deny your feelings’ validity? How often do you turn away from their urgings or suppress the unruly things? Could it be that we don’t trust our feelings because we haven’t ever given ourselves permission to live as we are meant to? Luckily, most of us are born fully sentient beings, able "to perceive the world with all its gushing beauty and terror, right on our pulses," as the poet and naturalist Diane Ackerman tells us in her exquisite evocation A Natural History of the Senses. And yet we continually shut ourselves down, condemn ourselves to misery by rendering ourselves blind, deaf, and mute.

Think back to the three best moments of your life. Slowly summon them to return. Watch them ride a wave of rediscovery on your sense memories as you bring back the setting and mood and power of those moments.

Call back a moment of exhilaration and engagement. What were you doing? What were you looking at, holding, or hearing?

Call back a moment of clarity and commitment. What private prompt of your intuitive heart did you act upon?

Call back a moment of transcendence and transformation. What wonder was hidden in the tastes and textures of your everyday life? Today revisit those moments when your soul soared and yet you were completely connected to earth. And then, throughout the day, echo James Joyce’s heroine Molly Bloom’s exquisite moment of surrender by offering it to Heaven as a private psalm: And yes I said yes I will Yes!

*****

more than just senses, i'd call it Intuition, though. that wild kind of knowing, living by the gut, living by one's bones.

or simply following one's bliss. : )

Friday, September 22, 2006

Love Challenges

we've hurdled our first 3 months' head-over-heels-falling-in-love phase, and are now settling into laying the groundwork for more real love to grow...

this is a new experience for me, to go beyond the usual sweet nothings and lusty exchanges, but to settle into the day-to-day challenges of daily living, together with another, learning more sensitivity for another, patience, self-restraint, learning how to balance meeting another adult's needs as well as one's own, preserving the integrity of one's boundaries even while nurturing the development of deeper intimacy with another, and willingly taking on my own subordinate yet powerfully and subtly influential role towards the building of a common goal and dream together... learning the steps of a more intricate, masterful dance this time.

i am feeling quite disoriented, and at a loss... so i went to my favorite online oracle for more perspective on the situation, and here is what my free relationships reading at Tarot.com says--

Accepting your role in a relationship situation stimulates personal growth and leads to reward.

The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Four of Wands in this position supports a persistent effort to be reliable and responsible in a relationship situation. Effective teamwork sometimes depends on successfully making up for each other's missing skills, and you are being asked to hold up your end. While your partner is working on his or her specialties, you are expected to work on yours.

This creative relationship effort may push you, stimulate you, and demand that you give more and grow more than you would on your own. When you rise to the challenge with enthusiasm, you may be richly rewarded. Enjoy the process. Take time to see how teamwork and accomplishment enhance your self-esteem and the closeness of your relationship.

amazing online synchronicity principle and insight at work, huh? : )


Sunday, September 17, 2006

Commitment

From LifeScript.com--

Have commitment issues ever caused problems in your relationships? Maybe you played tug of war with a partner who couldn’t commit to you on the level you needed. Or maybe you were the non-committing party in the relationship. Regardless of who was more devoted, chances are that the relationship didn’t grow to become something meaningful. A solid and healthy relationship cannot survive if the level of commitment is unbalanced. The only way to have a healthy relationship is for both partners to be equally committed – sounds obvious, right? But it’s not always so simple. Find out where fear of commitment stems from…

Committing yourself to another person can be an incredibly powerful and gratifying experience. You’re melding your life with someone else’s, for better or worse. There are few greater gifts in life that you can give the person you love. But commitment is nevertheless a risk you take, no matter how gung-ho you are about the person you want to marry. Every big decision in life isn’t made without anxiety, doubt and fear, especially one that implies such finality. It’s what makes the decision real – and there’s nothing more real than committing yourself to someone for life. So how do you really know when your fear of commitment is valid or when it’s just masking unreasonable fears?

Here are five common reasons for your fear of commitment:

1. You think forever is a long time

The thought of eternal togetherness makes you look at the concept of time in a whole different way. If it’s a life-long commitment you or your partner wants, you have to be able to visualize the future and the rest of your life together. This is the person you’ll grow old and grey with, the only person who you’ll ever be intimate with again. Think in terms of finality and be sure to separate whether it’s the actual person you can or can’t see yourself with or if it’s any of next few fears. Some people are commitment phobic because they know they’re with the wrong person. And there’s nothing wrong with that unless you continue to string that person along. Commitment should be viewed as having more to gain than lose, so don’t make any promises to someone who you can’t see your forever with.

2. You fear giving up your freedom

Single people value their freedom, and for many, especially for those who have been single for such a long time, a committed relationship threatens that freedom. Having to answer to another person might not sound that appealing because every decision you make will have to be with your partner in mind, and that seems stifling to many. However, making decisions for your partnership is what love and commitment is all about, and if you’re not willing to forgo a little bit of freedom, then you’re not ready for commitment.

3. Your other priorities are more important

Committing yourself to somebody in mind, body and soul just sounds like too much effort and pressure for you. It might feel like you have to put everything else aside. But maybe your other priorities in life just can’t be put on hold. If your priorities are time-consuming, like finishing school, caring for an ailing family member or getting situated financially, then commitment might not be in the cards for you right now. And that’s perfectly reasonable when you have to prioritize your life.

You have to be willing to put your needs ahead of your partner’s needs in a relationship, so make sure that you have your life straightened out before embarking on a serious relationship.

4. You fear betrayal

You’re never more vulnerable than you are when you’re in a committed relationship, especially marriage. Your vows represent your commitment to one another, but unfortunately these promises aren’t necessarily guarantees. When you fully give yourself to someone, you’re taking on the possibility that your partner may let you down, and that’s a terrifying prospect.

For some, the thought alone of being cheated on is enough to get them to never fully commit to one person, especially if they’ve been burned before. Commitment issues stemming from infidelity become a security blanket to never fully commit. That way, a betrayal won’t hurt as bad if your whole heart was never fully committed. You can never know for sure what a partner might do to you, but you can definitely hedge your bets by choosing someone with integrity and values, and dating him or her long enough to really know their character. In truth, you have to be able to trust your partner with your life.


5. You’re just not ready for it

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready for a commitment to someone. Sometimes it’s your circumstances, state of mind, age, other priorities, or all of these factors combined. Maybe you don’t think you’re worthy or capable of being one half of a successful relationship. If you feel you’re just not ready for it, then take some time out to be alone to learn more about yourself and discover what your needs and wants are for your relationships and out of life. By strengthening who you are as a person, you’ll strengthen a future relationship and your chances of a healthy and long-lasting relationship increase.

If your partner exhibits signs of commitment phobia through his or her words and actions, and you’re ready to commit, you may have to let go of the relationship in order to give yourself what you want and need. You can’t pressure anyone into a life decision as big as marriage and you certainly shouldn’t want to. Chances are that you’ll feel your partner’s trepidation, and despite the heartache that follows this rejection, you have to move on to do what’s best for you.

There’s nothing wrong with being ultimately incompatible, but there is a problem with hanging onto a relationship where there are evident signs of commitment phobia. If you know it will never go anywhere, let go now before you waste too much time.

If you’re the commitment-phobe, don’t ever commit to someone because you feel under pressure to make a decision or just want to please your partner. You have to be honest with what you want and expect out of your relationship. Sometimes it’s the person that’s not right for you and other times it’s your situation in general.

Overcoming fear of commitment will happen when you find the right person, put faith into the prospect of commitment and sift through your fearful emotions to get to the heart of why you want to commit in the first place. It’s OK to enter into a committed relationship with fears, but don’t avoid identifying and evaluating your fears so that you never have to take the plunge. You’d surely be missing out on the best that life has to offer when you give in to your fear of commitment.