Thursday, December 29, 2005


i learned something while i treated my self to a swedish massage with aromatherapy session at the spa today.

i rarely weigh my self on scales since ive learned to love my body for what it is, but today i was curious.... and SHOCKED.

i tipped the scales at 160 pounds!!!


omigod. how can this be? i've always felt and looked like a 136-pounder, for my tall-for-an-Asian height, and have always thought of my body as voluptous and delicious : >, and a young attractive, twenty-something man at the boat terminal even flirted with me today (not my type, though, so i quickly created lots of space between us heheh)... but 160 pounds sounds HUMONGOUS and UNFEMININE!!! : ( : ( : (

while my eyes were closed and my body was being massaged, i knew enough not to lambast my self with negative and accusing self-talk again. at least, i had the good sense to decide that whatever i want next for my body, i will go about it by treating my body with respect and love, and not force it to fit some mass-produced template of what a woman's body should "ideally" weigh, or else, my body will of course obey and weigh less, but it will also feel more unloved than loved.

so, i coined this affirmation for my self for 2006, after computing that i would need to lose at least 2 pounds a month over one year to go back to 136 pounds....

I revel in my perfect weight of 136 pounds! Anything more is not me, and just falls off quickly and effortlessly.

heeehee (grinning ear to ear)... well at least my body agrees with that, does not feel insulted that it is being asked to weigh less, and more importantly, does not feel any less loved at all!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

rising above jealous me

it was a playful, intimate talk we were having, when the conversation turned to a young waitress who tried to bluntly pick him up by asking him if she could "borrow" him for an afternoon for a movie date, at a restaurant he's been eating in, so many years ago, before we even met, and i suddenly felt my self huffing and puffing and seeing red, then black. : (

he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )

J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.

i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.

this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.

first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.

is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?

where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )

or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?

i must really be growing up now.


i deserve a big hug for today.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Only Asked for Roses

this nice man from halfway around the world who came to see me was indeed nice and charming, although in a roguish kind of way.

our first meeting was for lunch somewhere quiet and cozy, so we could talk, he said. and it was a wonderful lunch, getting to know each other better even as we tried to read each other's signals, the things we did not say. he made me laugh a lot with his jokes, and that relaxed us both. we ended lunch at 3pm, and he said the hours flew so fast, he didnt realize we've been talking for almost 4 hours already.

he wanted us to spend the rest of the day together, if i was not busy, but then i nicely declined, saying i had a paper to submit that day for my MA class (i did). but it was actually my way of stepping back; this was too good to be true for a first meeting, i must get my bearings back before i get lost again.

he said he wanted to see me again and he did keep in touch over the next few days and weeks. it was too bad though that what he thought was just a bad case of indigestion and diarrhea right after he arrived at our city actually turned out to be a kidney infection. luckily he had old friends from another city he could stay with, and assist in his medical needs.

last week, he felt a lot better and asked if we could see each other again for dinner. i jokingly reminded him if it was the candlelight dinner he promised some months ago while he was still away, and we were just communicating from a distance.

he asked me then if i wanted the complete works, "all in?", he said. i was a bit confused by that, as i hadn't had a proper romantic candlelight dinner in all my life, and although i sensed that he was also insinuating something more... i decided to pursue the conversation following the other meaning that was clearer in my head.

"complete? all in? you mean candlelight and wine and violins and roses, too?", i smilingly asked. i said i would be happy with just candlelight and roses.

what he said next completely turned me off.

he said that's the trouble with women, they always ask for more. he said he only promised me the candlelight and he could get the wine, and i should already know what "all in?" meant. :( he said that's why marriage is dangerous, women always ask for more.

it took a while for me to answer, but when i replied next, i calmly told him im sorry he took it like that. for his information, roses cost so much less than wine, and that i don't drink wine even, as im allergic to any kind of alcoholic drink, but then again that was not my point. i then told him im sorry too, im not interested in his kind of candlelight dinner anymore, whatever that meant, so he could just forget it.

and that ended the short-lived almost romance.


i am proud of my self, though.

there was a time not so long ago when just any man's attention would get me excited already, and id jump into things purely out of naivete and enthusiasm, with my heart on my sleeve, and with no sense of my own personal boundaries at all, like a puppy all agog, lapping it all up without any sense of discernment nor discrimination.

i handled this one differently now, like a real woman in her own right, comfortable in her own skin and strong in her own sense of value at last. although i was attracted and starting to melt, i kept my head clear, and was quick to draw the line when my sensitive boundaries were breached.

i only asked for roses, and he didn't get it. and to think he already said he loved me, many times.

how could a man who claims to love me get all huff-puffy and haggle with me about roses?

i only asked for roses. ive never received many roses in my life, too--only one from a student, another one from the ex in the long ago courting days (but just because his sister pushed him to do it, even giving him the money to buy me one on our first valentine's day), and then a bunch of 65 left-over red roses from a friend who was given a thousand roses by her husband on their last wedding anniversary.

i only asked for roses, but this man didnt know how roses meant a lot to me.

tsk, tsk.... that was his fatal mistake.

too bad for him, a blessing in disguise for me.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


i just got this from a subscription email to Mama Genas... i thought it was too precious a reminder to just delete and forget... so im saving it here...

Your closely held, longed for desires are an opportunity. Not just an opportunity for you to receive, which is delightful, but also an opportunity for someone else to give. Which is, perhaps, even more delightful.

And there is always a way for your desires to be met; in fact, it is inevitable. And you needn't know the tiniest bit about how to accomplish them. Living in the desire is the creation of the fulfillment.

... a timely reminder for me who hasn't been feeling glowing lately... : (

Friday, November 11, 2005


a nice man is coming halfway around the world to take his vacation where i am, and see me. he started out as a friend, whom i actually had heated arguments with the first few times, and i stood my ground (i knew i was right), and i guess... he has learned to respect me, too, and not just see me as just another pretty face...

well, actually, he has revealed his deeper feelings already, but i am firm on friendship first, this time.

it is not so much a test for him, but a test for me, to see how much i've grown, how far i've come, in my journey from no-self to true self...

then, there's the other dilemma, too.... J, the love of my heart, mind and soul... the love who is so far away, the love who can't be mine (yet, i hope)...

it is a fine line i toe, exploring my growth as a person and as a woman, yet taking care not to hurt nor harm J... and even this nice man who's travelling halfway around the world to see me...

what to do, dear heart?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Menstrual Cycle Wisdom

How might it have been different for you if, on your first menstrual day, your mother had given you a bouquet of flowers and taken you to lunch, and then the two of you had gone to meet your father at the jeweler, where your ears were pierced, and your father bought you your first pair of earrings, and then you went with a few of your friends and your mother’s friends to get your first lip coloring; and then you went, for the very first time, to the Women’s lodge, to learn the wisdom of women? How might you be different?
-Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones

Read more here. (Although, I must say... the article looks "cut"... it talks about the beginning and middle phases of the cycle and forgot to talk about the ending phase...)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Open Relationships

his hurting bothers me, especially since i understand almost perfectly where it's coming from. if the tables were turned, i'd be the same. im as passionately jealous as he is. : ) and i love it that way.

still, i wondered how other people dealt with this stuff. im not exactly an expert in long-term good and loving relationships and i just wondered how other people successfully managed this. so i google-searched for "jealousy" and the first article i came to was on jealousy in open relationships.

i've always understood open relationships to be those kinds of relationships where there is no commitment to a future together, but in this article, it was defined as a relationship with a commitment to at least take each other seriously and even build a future together, but with an openness to non-monogamous sexual relationships! : O

i've always prided my self in being very open and liberal-minded (although still very oldfashioned in values), especially when it comes to how other people live their lives, but i have to admit, this one article actually shocked me, even offended my basic sensibilities!

i guess it works for other people, but i don't think it will ever work for me. i love too much when i love, and it's an all or nothing kind. i am not good at sharing and distributing, when it comes to romantic love...

or maybe i am just too out-of-touch idealistic, still stuck in visions of knights and fair maidens who inspire even as they distress... : )

the article talked about it logically, presenting open relationships as a whole new, more loving way of living, based on abundance of love and not the scarcity of it. it likened it to having a new baby, more people to love, more love to go around with.

intellectually, i could agree to the proposition, but heartfully and soul-fully the very idea violates my very being.

maybe im selfish, maybe im greedy, but i want my man to know me intimately and i, to know him as intimately, in a way that nobody else knows, because that is the kind of beautiful and magical world that we create and try to nurture.

my man is not a baby, although i like to baby him, and i am not a baby either, although i like it when he babies me, so i don't buy that BS about the new baby analogy! having my man have a sexual relationship with another woman at the same time he has an emotional and sexual relationship with me, with my full knowledge and tacit agreement, would be tantamount to my agreeing to sharing my bed and my house with her (and all her lovers, too, past and present)!!! : O i just don't think i can be intimately loving with that many people, all at the same time! : O

i don't know how they do it, live and let live i guess, but im happier with the kind of life im crafting now.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

he thinks

he encourages me
to talk to other people
to enjoy my self with other people
as he can't be with me yet.

so sometimes, i do
although, most times, i don't
as i enjoy my self best
when with him.

but now that i'm talking
with other people again
he also hurts
though he tries to hide
by keeping quiet.

he thinks
i don't know.

he thinks.

he thinks
i can easily
replace him.

he thinks.

Thursday, October 06, 2005


he is good for me in many deep and soulful ways, even if current circumstances in our lives are not exactly perfect for our being together yet.

he moves me, not just bodily and mentally, but deeply too, in ways of the heart and soul. he knows me inside and out, accepts all my idiosyncracies and strange eccentricities with love and tolerance and amusement, and even celebrates who i am at each moment, whether im being wild and stubborn and mad, or whether im being sweet and humble and innocent, or sulky and clinging and unreasonable even.

sometimes, when some innocent remark he makes sets me off and pushes my red alert buttons, dredging up old wounds and ancient pain, and i become less of the beautiful self i'd like to think i have become, he even wallows with me in my misery and ugliness and takes all the blows for me, too... sometimes, when i get like this, i start hating my ugliness and act as if to leave, but he begs me to stay instead, saying he needs me in his life, when all i've done to him was hurt him unfairly even.

how can you still fight and resist in the face of that kind of loving?

J never ceases to amaze me.

i feel that i am finally in the presence of something great and timeless and holy, and each day i am awed and humbled at my good fortune... what have i ever done to deserve this kind of blessing?

sometimes, i think now, that even our present circumstances which prevent us from being together forever at last, is good for us. maybe, we need to grow into this blessing we have stumbled into until we are able to handle it well, when we are physically together at last.

finally, here is a man who loves me with all his heart, mind, body and soul (and loves my children even as if they were his own!), a man who can love me as much as i love, too, match for match, in all ways... at last.

i think i have found my own Big Jar, too, at last. : )

God is sooo good!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Live Your Legend

Mama Gena, in her newsletter which i subscribe to, reminds us all sister goddesses to "Live Your Legend", to keep choosing pleasure and desire and fun over anything less.

timely reminder for me; my glow seems to have diminished somewhat lately... and i noticed it early this morning, while i was in the car waiting for the kids to join me so i could bring them to school on time.

just before i got into the car, i checked the breakfast the maid had prepared-- eggs and spanish sardines. inwardly, i thought i would have preferred the sweet-spicy fried sardines she prepared the other day. i started taking out the can of fried sardines i wanted from the cupboard, but then decided against it, thinking that it would be a waste of resources having another set of sardines when one is already available, although one i am not particularly in the mood for so early in the morning... : (

i thought i was being Ms. Logical and Ms. Efficient and Ms. Thrifty, but why did i suddenly feel a little bit more deflated, a little bit smaller?

i was in the car already when the thought came to me-- what's a little extra cost for the sake of your pleasure and fun and enjoyment, Goddess? where is the Goddess spark and chutzpah? will you allow your self to be limited now by the extra cost of another can of sardines, the kind that makes you start your day with a smile and a little more perk?

and then, later this morning, i opened my email to find Mama Gena's reminder. : ) another serendipitous thing!

i must go back to living my legend again; i owe it to me! : )

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


yesterday, despite the very tight budget, but with hope now that my aunt would approve my request for an advanced payment of my consultancy fee for this month, i went ahead with a long-scheduled spa massage date with three of my colleagues in the university who have become dear friends.

im glad i did. im glad i have learned not to let very limited financial circumstances limit my joy and pleasures, too.

for an hour and a half or two yesterday, lying naked on a firm, comfortable massage bed covered only by a thin white blanket and being gently yet expertly touched and kneaded by a professional lady masseuse who exerted just the right kind of pressure to ease out the tensions in the right places, i gave in to the sheer pleasure of being touched in a full and sensual way.

from head to toe, i just relaxed into not letting anything else bother me but savoring all the tactile deliciousness of the sensations of touch and warmth and pressure in rhythmic waves, amidst a darkened room with soft, muted lights, and comforting meditation music.

at one time, i even thought to my self, hmmm.. this is better than sex even! i could do without sex as long as i have these massages regularly! :) : ) :)


yes.... it's been quite a while.

one night just recently, i found my self so hungry i actually wept when i saw romantic pictures of loving couples in the initial phases of making love! that was the first time i wept from such hunger...

it wasn't just a physical kind, but almost like a soul-kind of hunger, from my deepest, darkest self...

the abstinence hasn't been by circumstance, either, but by choice, as i'm holding out for more lasting joys that are finer and deeper and higher now... not just the temporary passing pleasures of the physical kind.


i am glad i allowed my self to go ahead with yesterday's special treat. this little "problem" is solved now too, as i think i have re-discovered a way around it now. : ) a regular spa massage!!!


God is good. life is good.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Consumatum Est!

it is finished!

ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.

and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.

i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D

(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)

i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.

God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!

thank you, God, for the gift of stories!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Time Out

i think i will need to take time, space and energies off from blogging here for a while; i will need the time, space and energies for making a dream come true.

there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.

i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)

wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.

the luck will just follow.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Aikido, Belly Dance and Serendipity

during my first session with them, my teacher (sensei) in aikido class commented that i seem to be a natural for the art, and after knowing that i take belly dance classes in between my aikido nights too, said that she believes my belly dance is helping my aikido.

i took up aikido mainly because it's an elective in my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course, and i thought it would be interesting to study the art of peace principles from a physical orientation. but dreading the thought of doing (what i thought was) unfeminine martial arts, i also enrolled my self in belly dance classes every other night, to sort of cushion whatever expected "unpleasantness" i thought id feel from my aikido classes-- sort of like taking a teaspoon of sugar for every teaspoon of bitter medicine. so tuesday and thursday evenings, at 7-8pm, i do my belly dance; wednesday and friday evenings at the same time, i do my aikido.

i started my belly dance class first so i was in a good mood when i started my aikido the next night. and i was in for a surprise!

aikido is such a graceful martial art, you feel like dancing rather than fighting. you actually do glides and pirouettes with graceful hand movements! it was only later when i started reading up on it that i learned that the core principle of aikido is to neutralize destructive energies, to "defeat" your opponent by rendering him/her incapable of harming you yet not harm him/her and maintain both your integrity in the process. no wonder it is called "The Way of Peace"!

then, my belly dance classes do intuitively feel like they're complementing my aikido, because in belly dance, i not only get a really intensive fat burning and muscle-toning workout, i get it in such a way that i celebrate my womanhood and have fun! it is only today when i started reading up on belly dance that i learned that it is the oldest dance tradition in the world and a way of joyful empowerment for women as well as to higher spirituality! it was not at all created to entertain men (although it is a byproduct) but as both a sacred and erotic way to connect to the core of women's femininity and the Goddess forces!

i marvel now at the coincidence of my being led to take on these two seemingly different art forms in my life now-- me who hasn't been very sporty and physically active, me who has always been the cerebral, intellectual, philosophical type... yet finding joy and exultation in these two arts now.

i marvel in quiet amazement at the paths ive taken, which have led me to this path, as i know deep inside now that the more i learn about these arts, the more i will grow as a person and as a woman, in both my character, personality and spirituality.

it's funny, too, how i started reading a book last night, Women, Sex and Addiction, and how the author, in her introductory chapter explaining her thesis and where she's coming from, mentioned belly dance as part of womanly initiations and practice in reclaiming women's rightful connections with their own sexuality and empowerment!

everything seems to be coming to a head, falling into place, even though they are coming from altogether different directions... ooohlalaaaa.... : )

magic is afoot again.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


im feeling skittish--
pawing the ground,
to break loose,
to break free...
but to where?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Old Love

i dreamt about an old love a while ago.

i was in this big ancient house with him; it was his house with his wife and kids. he had more than the two kids i knew of; he had two little ones even.

one was sick and cooped up in a room all by herself. the other little one was having a tantrum and wanted to be sick, too, because their mother was all wrapped up in her ministrations to the sick one.

all the time, he was just there, his usual charming self, trying to flirt with me, even as his children flitted in and out of that old house. at one time, his wife rushed out of a room, bringing with her a bedpan and a wash basin. i asked if there was anything i could do to help. she just smiled and brushed me away and told me to enjoy my visit.

i asked her why she had to do everything while he just sits there doing nothing and acting like the lord of the house. she just sighed and said that that is the way it has always been, and that's the way she supposes it will always be.

but he's acting spoiled and so are your children! i was dismayed at what she was doing to her self.

she just shrugged and went back to work.

at this point, i knew-- i have no place in their house, nor does he have any place in my life now.

and then i woke up.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Blind Spot

a friend who read my previous blog congratulated me for my good fortune and asked, "how can you not know when you are treated wrong?"

i had to explain-- it is not so much in the big wrongs that i have trouble knowing about, but in the little, supposed to be "harmless" wrongs that does more damage in the long run... little white lies, inconsideration, insensitive remarks and little actions... stuff like that, which, when added together, form a bunch of actions which belie those overused words, "i love you."

i don't think it's just me; i think it's a common blind spot among women. raised to always look out for others yet not looking out for one's self in the first place, we tend to be so other-focused that we even interpret other's lack of respect, consideration and sensitivity as something that reflects on our lack of worth ("is there something wrong with me? maybe if i do more, love more, give more, he'll learn to appreciate me and be more considerate and sensitive of me too?").

i am learning now that if there's anything at all "wrong" (i think we are perfect, just as we are!) with us women, it's that we don't give ourselves enough credit, sacrificing self-respect and integrity for so-called "love" and connection. it seems anathema to a woman's total concept that she can actually enjoy her self and her life, without guilt, with or without a man.

this point was further emphasized to me last night when my daughter Thea and I watched "Down with Love" starring Renee Zellweiger and that male lead star in Moulin Rouge (i forgot his name). we laughed at many parts of the film, because we could identify ourselves and our foibles in it (well, for me at least; im not sure my 12 year old has enough experience of her own to appreciate them, although she did nod emphatically when i pointed out some parts to her and what they could mean...).

basically, the female lead star (Renee, playing writer Barbara Novak) wrote a book, "Down with Love", which became a hit among women in the 1960s. that book was supposed to be THE bible for women's empowerment.

the book's thesis is "down with love", essentially telling women to take off their rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, which is not to equate sex with love, like men do. sex is sex and love is love and that's that. some rare times, they meet up but oftentimes, they don't. so get on with it, get moving with your life, pleasure your self in what ever way you can, with or without "love" from a man. there is so much more to life than a romantic relationship with a man.

still, in the end, though, true love wins. in the film, the male and female leads eventually fall in love and marry, despite their protestations and struggle with themselves and each other.

i guess the film also pointed out that when you take off your rose-colored glasses and see things for what they are, when the real thing comes along, you finally recognize it for the rare thing that it is too, and not get it mixed up with the fancy but empty baubles you have met along your journey.

i think i've overcome my blind spot now.
i KNOW i have overcome my blind spot now.

: )

Sunday, July 10, 2005

What One Good Man's Loving Can Do

it is amazing what one good man's loving can do to a woman--

- because she is treated right, she can now easily tell when she is treated wrong;

- because she is respected and known and understood and loved truly, she can now easily tell when she is just being played for a fool with sugary but empty words;

- because he loves her in the gentlest and tenderest way ever, she has now found her own strength and power and blossoming;

- because he loves her with a fierceness and intensity that doesn't even balk nor flinch from her frequent goodbyes when the going gets too tough, she is learning to stay now, and hoping to stay... for good.

i am blessed to be that kind of woman now.

: )

Friday, July 08, 2005

In This Life*

For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through

If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain
I have climbed
And every raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love, I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through

If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you.

In this life, I was loved by you.

*Ronan Keating

Sunday, June 26, 2005


if a man can just be called plain "Mr.", why does it appear important that a woman should either be a "Miss" or a "Mrs."?

would her being single or married have anything to do with her capacity to hold a job, perform work well, be credit worthy, acknowledged as a citizen?

here is the story of "Ms."

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Of Gardens and Food, etc.

i went to the Mall to pay my cellphone bill but i went home lugging four pots of herb plants with me-- two pots of basil, one pot of oregano, and one pot of ginseng.

there was a garden fair at the Mall and i finally gave in to my lifelong dream of starting a garden of my own, with these herbs for a start.

now that i have more time for my self and my life is my own again, i want to start a garden and finally learn how to cook this year. : )

what better way to build two nests in one tree (i hate "two birds with one stone"--it is too cruel and violent!) than start with herbs i can tend and nurture, and herbs i can use for learning how to cook different types of pasta dishes!

what about the ginseng?

i know there are jokes about it for improving one's sex life... heehee... but ginseng is also good for hair growth, you know.

anyway, for me, it will be for its healing and regenerative properties.

so many years ago, i attended this week-long basic ESP seminar, and on the last night of the session which was highlighted with a spoon-bending exercise, i was one of the few five people who were able to do so with our minds. and we all shared a common experience, the feeling of a rush of heat from the top of our heads, down our neck and shoulders and arms... which we then used to "caress" the spoon into bending with just a tap or two...

anyway, the whole point of the exercise was not really to bend spoons with one's mind, the trainer informed us, but to find out whether we had the gift for healing. the rush of heat is one manifestation. and he encouraged us to use and develop our gift for good.

so that's what the ginseng is for.

the improved sex life would just be a fringe benefit. : )

Saturday, June 11, 2005

shy dance

you reach
for my hand again

while i
only barely
touch your fingertips

your need
yet also
my fears

of dancing
a dance
where partners
never stay for long
even before
the music

Sunday, June 05, 2005


i received a surprise visit from the ex today, the surprise mostly coming from the fact that he finally dared to enter the house in my presence. he usually just stops by the gate and relays whatever messages he has for me through the maid.

today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:

...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.

Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.


Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.


thirteen years to the very day.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Milk and Honey Cleopatra

i couldn't resist it. i had my special treat for my self all planned for the day; i've been dreaming about it for weeks since i submitted my official resignation letter last january, but when it came to making it real at last, i couldn't resist one more extra treat-- a milk and honey full body scrub and body wrap!!!

it wrecked my budget but what the heck, i deserve it after 4 years of slaving, serving other people's needs!

when i checked into the spa, this ad for their new service caught my eye. and all i was thinking of was, hmmmm.... i wonder how Cleopatra felt?

now i have an idea. heehee.

i left the spa at 7pm last night, skin all so soft and rosy, smelling of lavender, milk and honey, me feeling languid and sexy and beautiful... and so moist and so in the mood.... : D

and Cleopatra did it every day, didn't she?

Monday, May 30, 2005

Something Good

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me,
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Life and Love 101

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."

what more can I say? that line from Moulin Rouge says it all.

: ) : ) : )

well... there's that other beautiful line i memorized from The Notebook, too:

"The best kind of love is the kind that satisfies the soul."

: ) : ) : )

Monday, May 16, 2005

Stray Finds Home

... that's how im feeling these days, belonging to someone's heart at last, someone who openly welcomes me and knows me--mind, heart and soul-- and celebrates me just for being who i am...

and strangely... i don't feel the need to go on my little "adventures" anymore, to keep proving to my self how good and desirable i am, even if only for temporary joys. now that i am in the presence of something that feels eternal... i feel both awed and humbled, and i feel like wanting to always be on my best behavior, to not do anything to tarnish or spoil it, as much as i can.

... so this is home, huh.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Kahlil Gibran's Advice

And think not you can direct the course of love, for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs you in its Path.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

My Inner Work, My Hard Work

i first took this test on feb. 21, 2004, and retook the test again this year, on feb. 26, 2005.

it is in Rinatta Paries' website on what it takes to have true love in your life, and thus, the test is aptly named as the True Love Magnet Quiz. it lists down 10 key areas one needs to work on to prepare one's self for true love. each area or section has 10 statements (with only Section 2 having 11 statements) and you are asked to mark as honestly as you can which statements are currently true for you. total perfect score is, of course, 101. the statements which are not yet true for you are the statements or areas of your life and growth that you need to work on:

Section 1. Letting Go of the Past: Have You Moved On?*************************************************
I do not often think of my past relationship partners
I hold no anger or resentment toward any of my past partners
I have forgiven each of my past relationship partners
I am not hoping to reconnect with past relationship partners
I am not angry or resentful at the opposite gender
I do not make sweeping statements about how the opposite gender is or isn't
I do not look down at, am not jealous or angry at the same gender
I have forgiven myself for past relationship mistakes and choices
I do not talk to myself badly about what I did in the past
I am grateful for my past relationships — they helped make me who I am today

Section 2. Your Needs: Can You Handle Them on Your Own?******************************************************
I know everyone has needs, including me.
I know I have needs and it is vital for them to be met.
I know that someone I just met can't meet my needs.
I know my key needs.
My top three needs get met everyday, by me.
I know the difference between healthy needs and being needy.
I recognize which situations set me up to feel needy.
I practice great self-care when I feel needy.
I consistently take great care of myself, all the time.
I have a spiritual solution to some of my needs.
I get my needs met by me and friends/family.

Section 3. Strong Boundaries: Can You Maintain Them?**************************************************
I can say "no" when I need to.
It's important for me to have boundaries to protect me.
I know clearly what my boundaries are.
I do not let people cross my boundaries.
I have a way of setting boundaries that does not offend or push people away.
I make sure I am heard when setting my boundaries.
I am being supportive of other people when I set boundaries.
I am the most important person in my life.
I gently but effectively educate people about my boundaries.
I respect and honor others' boundaries.

Section 4. Past Relationship Patterns: Do You Know Yours?****************************************************

I know my relationship patterns.
I know where these patterns came from.
I know the type of partners I tend to attract to play out my patterns.
I know what I used to do to attract this type of person.
I know what I usually do to keep this person in the relationship.
I know what the costs have been of playing out my relationship patterns.
I know what I got out of being in these relationships.
I have discovered what I must have thought about myself to play out my old relationship patterns.
I have discovered what I must have believed about relationships, given the relationships I was in.
I understand and know all of the above so well, I can no longer do any of it (Hurray for you!)

Section 5. New Relationship Patterns: Who is Good for You?*****************************************************

I quickly recognize the types of partners I was attracted to in the past.
I recognize and can dismiss the attraction I feel toward past like-partners.
I recognize available people.
I recognize people on a spiritual path.
I recognize people in the process of growth.
I recognize kind people.
I see people for who they are rather than for who I want them to be.
I am attracted to partners who will be good for me.
I surround myself with people who are good for me.
I have numerous role models of good relationships around me.

Section 6. Right Mate and Relationship: Identifying Needs

I have defined what I need from a partner in order to thrive in a relationship.
I have defined what behaviors/qualities/habits are important to me living day-to-day with a partner.
I have identified five relationship needs to absolutely be met by my partner.
I have defined what I value above all else in a partner — the one quality I must have.
I have defined what I can't live without in a relationship.
I have defined the worst thing(s) a partner could do to me.
I have defined what I absolutely won't tolerate.
I have dropped all demands on another that I don't demand of myself.
I am willing to be in the process of growth with a partner.
I am not willing to settle for a person who does not have the qualities most important to me.

Section 7. Social Life: Is Yours Enough Fun?

I engage only in activities that bring me great pleasure and joy.
I no longer engage in activities to meet a partner.
I participate for the sake of fun.
I am being me at all times in all situations.
I never use sexuality, power, or money to attract partners — I let them be attracted to all of me.
I don't expect everyone to be attracted to me.
I no longer require attention from everyone.
I don't compare myself to others.
I readily participate in activities rather than sitting at home.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends.
I am building a healthy, vibrant, loving community.

Section 8. Your Life: How Meaningful Is It?

I have dreams and goals for my life, with or without a partner.
I am working on achieving some of my life dreams and goals.
I am living my life to the fullest.
I know what work makes my soul sing and I am doing it or working on creating it.
I know what my life purpose is or I am working on figuring it out.
I know what I contribute to others or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how I want to spend my life or I am working on figuring it out.
I know where and how I want to live or I am working on figuring it out.
I know the legacy I want to leave behind or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how to give my life purpose whether or not I am in a relationship.

Section 9. Spirituality: Is Yours Strong Enough to Sustain You?*******************************************************

I have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I have my own spiritual practice.
I take some time for silence and/or meditation every day.
I am in touch with my intuition.
I can distinguish intuition from other thoughts and feelings.
I can trust my intuition.
I know when to take steps and when to wait things out.
I am not in a rush to be in a relationship — I have time.
I know I will attract the right partner into my life at the right time.
I am truly happy and living a full life.

Section 10. New Dating Patterns: How to Build a Relationship
Woman: I allow men to pursue me; Man: I am comfortable initiating a relationship.
I don't do provocative flirting early in a relationship.
I do not get intimate until I am in a committed relationship.
I get to know the person slowly and initially limit time together.
I spend much more time courting in person that I do by phone or email.
I am myself in the dating process, I don't pretend to be better than I am ordinarily.
I am clear about how I want and don't want to be treated and I communicate this info.
I do not test my partner — if I am wondering about something, I ask.
I am in a relationship without hope of changing/improving my partner.
Instead of feeling anxious or stressed about where the relationship is going, I have fun.

when i first took the test, my score was 75, which was the minimum score for being "ready for true love". still, the test was an eye-opener for me about certain areas of my life that have been blocking me, as well as certain aspects of my self which should be outgrown.

in the first half of the year, i mainly worked on forgiving the ex and the past and letting go and moving on, which was the hardest struggle, especially when you feel you have every right to hold on to your justified hurts. the other early struggle for me was learning to set and respect my own boundaries, as i had problems before of saying "no" to people, especially those i loved. interestingly, during this phase, i had the meanest skirmishes with the ex, as well as i met new people in my life who were very domineering and manipulative although they were also very attractive and compelling. just when i decided on what the lessons i needed to learn were, i meet the people and circumstances that forced me to learn and immediately apply those lessons fast! the C-Theory again, at work huh... : )

the next challenge for me was learning how to handle my own needs and take care of my self, and not expect any specific person to do those for me. so i learned to "nurture my own garden, nourish my own soul" in the many special and self-pleasuring ways that had meaning for me. this also included rebuilding and nurturing relationships with my family (whom ive been estranged from when i married the ex against their wishes) and friends, and expanding my joys and building a social life of my own, as a solo person going to concerts and museums and parties and enjoying my self at the same time. a happy consequence of this lesson is i found i had more strength, less resentment, more joy and love to give, and people invariably gravitated to me for friendship, fun and comfort. it's a good thing that by this time, i had already learned the basics of setting and protecting my boundaries, so i wasn't torn willy-nilly by any and all who sought my friendship and company.

right now, though, i find that i am still struggling with the lessons right smack in the middle of the test-- being more conscious of past relationship patterns and growing towards healthier ways of relating, particularly in terms of lessening my attraction for the types who used to (and still do) hold power over me: the charming, sweet-talking types who become emotionally aloof when the relationship becomes more intimate in just more ways than the physical. in other words, learning how to grow towards becoming more attracted to the more available ones in the fullest sense of the word, the ones who are honest and kind and good and open and willing to do the work of loving and being loved.

the other major challenge, for me, i guess, is on forming new dating patterns, especially in terms of not getting physically intimate too soon. i've always had a passionate nature, and when i find one i want--whether it be a book, food, a piece of clothing, or a lover-- i go for it, to hell with the rest. now i am reconsidering that, seriously thinking that maybe i should "calibrate" my passion in that department, and learn to wait for the right timing. because i have been finding out, to my chagrin, the experiences described of Angela in the blog below... : ( (blush, blush!!! )

i am clearer about who i am and what i want and the kind of partner i want to have now, so it is not such a struggle for me anymore. thankfully, even in that first test i took, i scored perfectly in Sections 8 (life's meaningfulness) and 9 (spirituality), which i think have been the major strong foundations of my life, despite my confusion and struggles in other areas.

the last time i took the test in february this year, i scored 95, twenty points more than last year. with all the work i have been doing, those are hard-earned and well-deserved twenty precious points indeed!!!


i hope and pray, though, that i get to my True Love soon.

i want something real now.

What It Takes

from another subscription newsletter email sent to me March 19, 2004 yet, but which i kept in my email folders and am reviewing again now:

Most people think once they meet the right partner they will automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right tools for the job.

Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn'tyet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms. Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps she hasn't even given any thought to what he should do. He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared. She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.

Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling --coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the long-term partnership he desires.

Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman. Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost from the start. Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her, and ask her out, often. But they don't stick around to be in a relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now she really wants a long-term relationship. Unfortunately she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before. She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the wrong tools for the job.

She doesn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how manyof these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts.

* Build a friendship

* Go slowly

* Wait to be physically intimate until all what's below is done

* Find out if the person you are with is compatible with you in the following ways:
- emotionally
- intellectually
- physically - you are both attracted to each other

* Find out whether the person wants the same type of relationship future as you want:
fling/see what happens/long term relationship/marriage with kids/no kids if you both want a marriage in your future

*Compare communication styles to see if they are complimentary and compatible

* Make sure your values, belief systems and lifestyle mesh with each other

* Have many long conversations about how you both envision your ideal relationship and work out a model or vision that fits both of you

* Work on and grow yourselves and each other emotionally and in your capacity to be close and to love

* Fall in love and live happily ever after

cRinatta Paries,

Friday, May 06, 2005


'just got this from a subscription newsletter email today:

What Do Men Think?

In celebration of Single Mother's Month, Yahoo! Personals polled our single men to find out why single moms make great dates, better potential mates, and are super sexy! Here, Raymond, David, Morgan, Deshae, Will and Ed provide their top reasons to date a single mom:

Top 10 Reasons for Dating a Single Mom, According to Yahoo! Personals Men:

1. You already know they're strong because they have to handle the responsibilities of single parenthood.

2. There is nothing like a Mother. She is a woman that is responsible and focused on life. She knows what she wants out of life and will not sacrifice the happiness of her child for just any man. So, if she decides to date you, feel lucky.

3. Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!

4. A single mom isn't just filling time dating — she's had to make a choice to do something for herself while fulfilling the full-time responsibility of being a mom. For a man seeking a real and lasting relationship, this is ideal.

5. They appreciate quality not quantity of time. It isn't always an option to see someone everyday, so making sure the time together is of value is important.

6. Single moms are more open to long-term relationships. For single dads that are also looking for a romantic relationship, it is ideal to date someone with the same end goals.

7. They're done being a "party girl" and tend to be more selective and thoughtful in their approach to dating. With single moms, we know our romantic relationship is valued and not just part of a series of meaningless dates or something that stems from the fear of being alone.

8. You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.

9. Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.

10. They realize what it costs to raise a family — and don't require flashy dates. They are impressed more by substance than a big price tag both in dating and in life.*

An extra bonus of dating a single mom — they make great Mac-n-Cheese!


don't count on me for the Mac-n-Cheese though. i have yet to learn how to cook! but i have been told im a fast learner, especially with a really good teacher... heeheehee.

advance happy Mothers' Day to all mothers everywhere!!!

: )

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Applying the C-Theory to Love

before anything else, let me make two things clear:

1. this is not a kiss-and-tell blog;
2. i don't have as many boyfriends or lovers that people who read my blogs seem to get an impression of.

when i start really liking a person and becoming very attracted to him, and even he to me-- that doesn't make him my bf, at least not in my vocabulary.

he is still just a friend, although a friend who has become special. a bf, for me, is somebody really serious--somebody im not only mutually in love with, but also somebody i have an expressed understanding to be mutually exclusive with and somebody i make plans with about a near future, at least.

so okay? this is just a blog about people who have touched my heart. the few people i have become really really intimate with in more ways, are less than the five pretty fingers of one of my pair of lovely hands!

that being made clear, here goes my application of The C-Theory to my search for true love... :)


1. Ask and you shall receive - Express your desire.

after the ex-- who was the only one till after i left the marriage--all i knew was next time, i wanted something True. and true, for me, then, meant something close to what i didn't get in the marriage-- loving attention, respect, somebody listening to and engaging my heart and my mind, and appreciating who i am as a person and as a woman.

but i see now, that in the past 3 years, i have mostly been engaged in Step Two.

2. Seek, and you shall find. - Educate your self on what you really desire.

oh, how the people who have touched my heart since then-- although they were not the True Love i thought i desired (or are maybe still on their way to becoming my True Love) --gave me such a rich and thorough education!!!

mainly, from being with them for a brief time, i learned more and more about what i didn't want too, another way of teaching me to refine and redefine for my self further what i truly wanted--

(original post for this part deleted; im sorry some people were hurt...)

... and so on, and so forth...

so, in a way, my list has been further refined. in addition to my initial list, he must also be:

1. mature and self-responsible
2. positive about life
3. emotionally and geographically and physically and legally available : )

-- but basically, somebody with a good mind, a good heart and a fine spirit, somebody kind and honest and loving, and who loves me fully as much as i will love him and who wants to share all and the rest of his life with me as much as i want to share mine with him!


3. knock, and the door shall be opened. - i feel i will come to this part soon. i hope i will come to this part soon.

but maybe, my preparation is not finished yet.

for sure, my education is not over yet.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Old Dreams, New Dreams

i was at the mall yesterday, having two butterfly biz documents printed at one of the computer shops there, as i ran out of printer ink and paper at home. while standing by their counter waiting for my documents to be printed, my elbow nudged a laminated tabletop ad for a beach and dive resort right here in our island, Negros, and that caught my attention.

i've always known we don't have particularly striking beaches near where i live but i've heard of good private beach and dive spots farther out in the island, although i didn't know of any particular place.

ever since i was 17 or so, when id watch my older boy cousin and his buddies from Cebu, stop over Bacolod and stay with us for a night or two, on their way to Boracay and other dive spots in the Visayas, and listen to them share excited stories of these underwater life that they saw, my secret dream to learn scuba diving someday was born.

but my life was not my own then. my father was too strict, didn't approve of going off on trips just for pleasure's sakes. besides, the sport is pretty expensive.

yet since the New Year, when i decided that this year is going to be my Year of Pleasures, going after what i loved and just seeing where following my joy takes me, that dream has been insistently resurrecting itself.

is it serendipity that soon after i made that decision and thought about my dream again, i met a new friend who taught scuba diving for a living? and then, later on, that i went on a number of trips which eventually took me to really wonderful beaches with nearby dive spots (Boracay, Tagaytay, Camiguin)?

it's almost as if my dream is beckoning to me more forcefully now, and this recent accidental discovery of this new yet uncommercialized beach and dive resort, right here in my own island, seems to be telling me i can't say no and hold it off any longer now. surfing their website further, i fell in love with the very scenic and virtually virgin-looking nature spots there, the colorful variety of underwater life, and even the many wrecks they listed in their site. someday, when im a good enough diver, id like to go on their Adventure Safari two-week trip, visiting a lot of lesser known caves and dive spots in little islands around the area.

so in my excitement, i signed their guestbook and emailed them for more information. an old dream has been resurrected, another thing to work hard for and to look forward to. i intend to be taking the kids with me there any time within this year. i figured i'd share more happy adventures with the kids again, doing and learning things together, carving out lifetime memories along the way.

do what you love, the money will follow... why does that title of a book suddenly come to mind? : )


the other dream is a new dream, brought about by my growing discoveries of the joy of my own freedom and womanhood and womanly powers.

around March, i saw this ad for belly dancing lessons at that same mall, too, and Thea and i planned to enrol in one this summer. but, alas, life happened and got in the way of that dream, so i've postponed it until about July, when the busy-ness of my life usually settles down to a quiet manageable level.

i just think it's a graceful and sexy way to lose some unwanted little belly and hip fat, and now that i think of my scuba diving dream, a wonderful way for me to really flatten and firm up that area there so i could wear those teeny weeny bikinis at last! : )

it's magical how one dream ties into another so perfectly and i sense a pattern, a logic here that's leading me to more wonderful things!

i never knew life could be this fresh and exciting and so new, all over again, at 37!!!

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Making It

i spent the whole day yesterday, driving around and paying bills, with the 54k pesos (33k pesos from university salary and butterfly biz commission, 21k from social security low-interest loan proceeds) in my wallet. it felt good. like ive come to some sort of a major accomplishment.

there was a time, not too long ago, when i couldn't even drive around -- as i had no car yet -- and much less pay all the bills due -- as i didn't have the means, no matter how hard i worked and scrimped and saved...

the first thing i did was make sure i had 5% of the total amount stashed away, as the beginning of my savings fund. as an economics major, i've always known that a savings habit is the best way to a stable and secure life, but the early, brash years with the ex made me forget that (until now, i still can't believe i turned over my paycheck to him! : O), and these first 3 years on my own barely making ends meet made me unable to do that. now, i mean to seriously go through with it, first building up my 6-month emergency fund, then later on saving up for investments, so that in the second half of my life, instead of my working for money, my money will be working for me.

the next thing i did was pay for all the utilities bills at home, even the electricity bill which hasn't actually been delivered yet. i don't want to be caught unprepared again and have our electricity disconnected, taking the kids to my sister's for a weekend or so until i manage to pay for the amount due and reconnection fees again.

i saved the best for last yesterday, going to the government housing loan office to finally update my mortgage, which has been in arrears since May, 2004. the lady asked if i was paying in cash, and i said, oh definitely yes!

she looked at me with a newfound respect and she said thank you twice.

my struggle is all documented, there in her file folder of my case: my countless letters explaining my new situation (newly- separated, with three kids to feed on a single income, saddled with debts the ex incurred in our conjugal name which i didn't even know anything about), my various appeals for renegotiations laying out different options mutually satisfactory to both them and me, my playing hardball to their arrogant demand letters, and finally their giving in to my terms (what could they do? these are hard times in our country. they'd be spending more for attorney's fees than if they'd renegotiate with me on the softer terms i required.)

i ended the day by going to the mall and treating my self to an iced cappuccino, as i looked over new cellphone models at my cellphone company's showroom. finally, i can even afford to get a new, more technologically sophisticated unit for my self soon, so i can give my old unit to Thea.

i looked at bedroom furniture, too, and compared prices, and started dreaming again of what it would take for me to be able to give the kids and i bedrooms of our own, by renovating our little two-bedroom house.

in just almost 3 years, i am able to get back on my feet again, at last, with God's grace and the love and support of family, friends and even some strangers, who did not necessarily give me dole-outs, but who opened doors for me for more extra income through the application of my inherent skills and talents.

there was a time when just even thinking about providing for the next day's needs was overwhelming ... but now the dreams come alive again.

the most important lesson i have learned is that a woman must let go of the conditioning and the illusion that she needs a man to take care of her and to provide for her, that she can't do it on her own, by her own wits and strength and gifts.

she must apply her self to the necessary homework and practical work of steeling her will and polishing her diplomacy and negotiation skills, even as she works hard and works her self to the bone.

she must forever banish the notion that to be alone is to be a freak, to learn to appreciate and revel in her solitude, and to willingly submit her self to the process of character building, which is best undertaken in the experience of the total alone-ness of her soul.

she must finally embrace the task and responsibility and freedom and exhiliration and joy of coming into her own powers.

it is difficult, it can be lonely, but it will always be a rich life.

knock on wood, but i think i am finally making it! : )

Friday, April 22, 2005

My Heart's Desire

One Friend*

I always thought you were the best
I guess I always will.
I always felt that we were blessed,
And I feel that way, still.
Sometimes we took the hard road,
But we always saw it through.
If I had only one friend left,
I'd want it to be you.

Sometimes the world was on our side;
Sometimes it wasn't fair.
Sometimes it gave a helping hand;
Sometimes we didn't care.
'Cause when we were together,
It made the dream come true.
If I had only one friend left,
I'd want it to be you.

Someone who understands me,
And knows me inside out.
And helps keep me together,
And believes without a doubt,
That I could move a mountain:
Someone to tell it to.
If I had only one friend left,
I'd want it to be you.

'Cause when we were together,
It made the dream come true.
If I had only one friend left,
I'd want it to be you.

Someone who understands me,
And knows me inside out.
And helps keep me together,
And believes without a doubt,
That I could move a mountain:
Someone to tell it to.
If I had only one friend left,
I'd want it to be you.

*words and music by Dan Seals

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

My Horoscope Today

my Astronet horoscope for today made me smile and blush at the same time-- as if it has read my thoughts lately!!! : O

You can afford to be picky. You don't mind your own company at all, and you know within five seconds of meeting someone if there's anything there. Don't spend your time with anyone you're really not interested in.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Charles and Camilla


during a lull in one of our lengthy road trips around Camiguin, my colleagues took to discussing Charles' and Camilla's wedding.

there was the usual bitching about how ugly and unqueenly Camilla is compared to Diana, and about how she doesn't deserve to be wed to the future king of England. (nobody commented on how equally ugly and unkingly Charles is, and how he may not deserve to be future king of England, too!)

anyway, i just listened to the trivial chatter and kept quiet. but in my deepest thoughts and heart, i envy Charles and Camilla, for the love they have managed to keep for more than 30 years, despite marriages to other people and many changes in their lives, not to mention family and public censure.

thinking about it always makes me cry. to have a chance at a love like that, and having found it, to never let it go, no matter what. in the words of Prince Charles, to be "non-negotiable".


i think i have found the love of my life, too. but life has gotten in the way.

are we up to it?

only Love knows.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

65 Long-stemmed Red Roses!


i was awakened from a long nap late this morning by the maid, who told me i had a friend waiting for me by the gate.

it was my German friend, Antonia, with her husband Patrick, who called on me to give me a whole bucket of long-stemmed red roses!!!

last night was their 1000th day after their wedding and Patrick surprised her with a thousand roses. this morning, Antonia felt that she just had to share her joy and she thought of me first, sweet Antonia!

i got teary-eyed receiving the whole bucket of long-stemmed red roses from her.

i told her i rarely get roses.

in fact, in my whole life, i've only received two for real -- one from the ex, long ago during our courting days on Valentine's Day, and only because he said his sister forced him to do it : ( ... another one from a student, some few Valentine's Day ago, too.

so i told Antonia that this was like an omen for me, of rosier days and experiences to come, with the feast she and Patrick have given me, for no special occasion at all!

i counted the roses later, wow-- 65 long-stemmed red roses!!!

Patrick's and Antonia's love story is an inspiration too. he used to be a monk, while she a war film journalist. they met in Jerusalem while she was on assignment and he was on some sort of a retreat. they stayed at the same hotel, and since there were very few Germans in that hotel, the very few that there were all managed to congregate together at breakfast and dinner.

a deep friendship blossomed in just two weeks, and when the time came to part, they realized they had fallen in love. what followed was 9 months more of long-distance text messages (SMS)and phone calls and emails, and by the time they met again next, he had left the monastery and asked her to marry him.


they now have a two year old little princess, Kiara, and another one on the way.


at least, in times like these, fairy tales and dreams still do come true!

and i am holding out for that, deep in my heart.

On Being A Woman

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ~Roseanne Barr


Feminism is the radical notion that women are people. ~Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler


Man endures pain as an undeserved punishment; woman accepts it as a natural heritage. ~Author Unknown


I was told that whistling wasn't ladylike, but I knew even then that women were simply not supposed to be that happy. ~Anonymous, quoted in Kindling the Spirit by Lois P. Frankel


I see my body as an instrument, rather than an ornament. ~Alanis Morissette, quoted in Reader's Digest, March 2000


I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. ~Madonna Ciccone


Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. ~Lois Wyse


I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist. ~Sally Kempton, attributed


I do not wish them to have power over men, but over themselves. ~Mary Wollstonecraft


There are very few jobs that actually require a penis or vagina. All other jobs should be open to everybody. ~Florynce Kennedy


Instead of getting hard ourselves and trying to compete, women should try and give their best qualities to men - bring them softness, teach them how to cry. ~Joan Baez, "Sexism Seen but not Heard," Los Angeles Times, 1974


A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual. ~Gloria Steinem


How good does a female athlete have to be before we just call her an athlete? ~Author Unknown


Women are not inherently passive or peaceful. We're not inherently anything but human. ~Robin Morgan


I think, therefore I'm single. ~Lizz Winstead


Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution. ~Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals


We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem


Our only hope for the redemption of woman from the thralldom of dress lies in the belief that her hitherto limited sphere of activities has been so insufficient for her intellectual occupations that she has been forced to expend her thoughts in decorating her person, instead of enlarging her mind. ~Mercy B. Jackson


Every time we liberate a woman, we liberate a man. ~Margaret Mead


I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. ~Rebecca West, 1913


Because women's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or repetitious and we're the first to get fired and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we get beaten we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging bitches and if we enjoy sex we're nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect childcare we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're made to feel guilty about abortion and...for lots of other reasons we are part of the women's liberation movement. ~Author unknown, quoted in The Torch, 14 September 1987

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Wake-up Call

"He says:

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just "that crazy." All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

She says:

There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.

He's afraid to get hurt again.
Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.
Maybe he's intimidated by me.He just got out of a relationship.

Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that -- despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be 'He's just not that into you.'

Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, 'You're not the one.' But their actions absolutely show how they feel.

'He's Just Not That Into You' -- based on a popular episode of 'Sex and the City' -- educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship.

Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo's wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean 'I'm in love with you and want to be with you.'

'He's Just Not That Into You' is provocative, hilarious, and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating. It deserves a place on every woman's night table. It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start 'figuring him out,' consider the glorious thought that maybe 'He's just not that into you.' And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is."*

* Notes from Yahoo Shopping on 'He's Just Not That Into You'

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Love's Dance

i am slowly learning
that indeed
when we love
and are loved
(or hope to be)
we engage our selves
in a dance.

the music is a long, slow introduction;
it rushes right into an aria!

but we must learn
to move to whatever music is playing--
chacha, swing, rumba, tango or waltz--
even as we learn
to take each other's hand
and slowly come closer
even if we must
also necessarily
draw apart
many times, like the first few times.

no matter how much
we want to be loved back
in the exact way we want
people can only give
so much--
that they have,
that they have received before,
that they know,
that they have been trained to know--

and it is almost always
a reflection
on our innate lovability
but on their innate capacity
or willingness,
or readiness
to love us back
in the way that they know how.

so in this dance,
i am learning
to play it by ear
to take only as they're able
to give,
to take their baby steps anyway
and learn to synchronize
even as i teach
my own baby steps back.

so what if the music ends?

now i know
there will always be
other music to play;
and with each new dance,
whether with the same
or a new partner,
we always become
better dancers
than ever.

that is Love's gift to us;
that is our gift to each other,
this dance we dance.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Available and Kind

like Pavlov's dog
you start
when he
turns away.

how many times
must you be told
again and again
dear heart?

find somebody
available and kind.

emotionally there
if not yet
physically there

who will treat you
with the tenderness
and respect
that you deserve.

break free,
break free
dear heart!

nor any other man--
is not your master

find somebody
available and kind.

Thursday, March 24, 2005


the thought of
seeing you
disturbs me:

is this
a terrifying sweetness
sweet terror?

are you
and my
February-born Angel
and the same?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Vagina Monologues

the world famous play came to our city this weekend and i watched it with my sister and eldest daughter last night.

i already had an idea of the content of the play, having read and heard of it from so many rave reviews before, but still i was curious about the details. i think most other people there who came went there to be titillated, but i hope they came out more enlightened about women and how things really are for women.

the play is a product of hundreds of interviews by Eve Ensler with women, talking about their vaginas. but it is not as simple as that because the vagina is a very political thing in itself.

it can be said that the vagina is a woman's mouthpiece. if she doesn't even see hers, much less know it and is intimate with it, she is basically without voice, in the real sense of the word. but when she starts getting to know hers, and all its intricacies and complexities, lo and behold, she finds her voice to speak up for all the many other things that assail her -- feeling overburdened, unappreciated, used, abused, giving too much without getting as much, etc.

it is interesting to note that in a so-called postmodern, free-thinking world, most people, including most women, are still hesitant to call a vagina a vagina. the very act of naming something is acknowledging it; and not naming it for what it is is, in fact, ignoring it, disempowering it. so that was the first part of the show, with one of the lead characters asking the audience for a show of hands to count how many vaginas there are.

my daughter, sister and i enthusiastically raised our arms, but the rest were shy to follow. but oh, i can tell from the shy smiles and the twinkling eyes of those who followed, it was a small act of liberation, of empowerment for them, to actually acknowledge their vaginas and be proud enough to admit it. heehee.

my 12-year-old daughter, Thea, smirked, "that is downright stupid, to be afraid to call your vagina a vagina, and to be shy to admit you have one. it's like being shy of calling your nose a nose, and admitting you have one!"

i'm training her early, my little girl who is not so little anymore. : )


i found my vagina, and--looking back now-- my G-spot, when i discovered the wonders of self-pleasuring at 9 years old.

i loved sleeping on my tummy (i still do) and one restless night, with a pillow under my tummy, i started rubbing my self against the edge of the pillow... and i was on my way. : )

at that age, i never even knew what the term for the pleasure spot was, nor the self-pleasuring act it self, but i kept at it even when i learned that it's supposed to be taboo and sinful, just because when the world turned really rough and tough and nobody was there for me, i knew at least that i could give my self pleasure. (up until lately, though, i never realized that the G-spot could be stimulated from inside, as i've always done it from outside!!! : O)

throughout my teens, i was curious about my vagina and what it could do to give and receive more pleasures so i read a lot of books and looked at a lot of drawings to become intimately familiar with it.

strangely enough, as i also wanted to be a nun all throughout my teens, i kept my self physically "pure and chaste" by not even holding hands with a boy!!! don't laugh now, but i actually practiced kissing ... with a small banana, twirling my tongue around it, at the coaching of my girl best friend.

what a contradiction i am, huh. : )

the familiarization took on a more compelling turn when i was about to give birth to my first child. almost every day towards the day of childbirth, with mirror in hand, i looked at my vagina every chance i could get, gazing at it in wonder and awe and amazement, getting to know its very intimate folds and crevices and changes in color, texture and fragrance, at different times of the day and night, at different days and nights.

i was surprised to find that the eleven (11!) moles i had around the vaginal and perineum areas in my late teens, have dwindled down to seven, but i thought maybe it's about time i moved from Power 11 to Lucky 7... hehehehhhh... as i was married and was about to become a mother anyway. : )

last time i checked, it was still a Lucky 7, so im okay.


how a vagina behaves is a metaphor for how a woman likes to be treated by a man.

it is hidden until it is encouraged to come out, with loving care and attention. forcefulness can make it show itself too, but you won't get it wet and ready, no matter how hard you try with all the sexual techniques you know. nice and gentle loving care and attention does it every time, though.

it's funny how the predominantly women audience resonated to that part when one of the characters asked, "If your vagina could speak only two words, what would it say?"

"Slow down!!!", and the audience hooted and clapped. : )

one of the other questions asked in the play was: "If you could dress up your vagina, what would your vagina wear?"

there were many and varied answers: from denims and lace, to satin and silk, a mink coat, shorts and a tee, a slicker and boots, a gold lame gown, a fancy hat and sexy lingerie and garters... the answers were as varied as women are varied.

the microphone never got around to me, but if i were asked, I know what mine would wear--

a tiara of diamonds, nothing more, nothing less, bare naked in all its glory!!!


Friday, March 18, 2005

Reflections on an Old Love

met an old lover for coffee today, after lunch. he texted me to ask if we could meet for old times' sake, before he left for home again.

i knew he was in town since last month; he emailed me his plans and schedule and texted me from time to time to tell me where he was. but i never bothered to initiate anything with him again, knowing too that he has a steady girlfriend now, or so he claims.

what amuses me though is he still keeps telling me about his life and his dreams, where he's been and what his plans are. and i was never really his girlfriend.

we hit it off when we first met two years ago, so much so that by the second date we were intimate. but i've always understood that our basic conflict is that he was too young for me, and that we ultimately wanted different things in our lives.

we met at a time when i had just broken free of my marriage, while he was seriously thinking of settling down. that was one of the first comments he made during our first date, and he looked sad and disappointed about it: "so you're just spreading your wings huh, and starting to enjoy your freedom."

and when we became intimate, i thought we were just having fun, sharing pleasures affectionately as good friends. i only began to realize a little further on that i might have meant something more to him when he started asking me about my plans, and whether they would fit in with his plans too, and how he liked to call himself "my man".

but at that time, making a commitment, much less making a commitment to somebody much younger, was never even in my plans, so it took a long while for me warming up to the idea.
by the time i was considering it, he had moved on to other easier "conquests", i guess.

then, too, one conversation we had struck me about how vastly different our views of marriage were: he was still stuck in that never-married single twentysomething person's idea of marriage as some sort of a social and economic exchange idea ("you take care of us as you have a better career, i'll take care of your kids and our home for you!") while i was (and still am) looking now for a real life partner-- a best friend and independent equal whom i don't have to baby nor to play slave to.

his marriage plans amused me more than they insulted me. he said he was looking for an educated filipina whom he could take with him to the States so she'll work and have a successful career and support him, while he stays home and takes care of the household and the kids and does his travelling and his nightlife socializing as he says he's tired of working his butt off. hahaaa. i credited that to his youth, although i also wondered if that's how cut-and-dried men think when they think of finding somebody to marry.

of course, i said no and pointed out to him as gently as i could that i didn't plan on being somebody else's provider nor surrogate mom, when i already have my hands full taking care of my three kids and my self. and so that ended it.

still our coffee and long chat today brings bittersweet and tender feelings to the surface.

he talks about his girlfriend now and how she fulfills his dreams of finding somebody willing to support him and let him do his thing. he says what makes her a great catch is because she's so conservative she wouldn't even allow him to kiss her, so that's a sure thing that she won't cheat on him. he also says that she's not into nightlife socials so he'll be sure she'll always just be home, where he wants her, even when he's out socializing. he asked me what i thought, isn't that great?

(i know what you must probably be thinking... "pig!" huh? heehee. well, yeah, me too, but i credit that to his youth more than to his being male.)

i frankly told him it might be great for him but not for her. he insists it's great for her too because she agreed to the idea. i told him, yeah, wait till she's 35 or 40 and wakes up to how you have been ripping her off! hahaaa.

he nonchalantly said, well she could leave me when she's 35 or 40, i'll just find somebody younger.


i mean, that doesn't sound like a man in love to me!

so, the reason for the bittersweet and tender feelings resurfacing.

from the way his gaze lingered on my face as we talked, to how he made any and all excuse to touch my arm, my shoulder, my hair, even brush a finger or two against my face... to how deeply he looked into my eyes as i told him about my life too (i had to look away many times, just to keep the friendly distance) ... i could tell: the love is still there.

but then, haven't i learned not so long ago already? --

many times, love is not enough to make it last.

but still, i can't help wondering... who is luckier-- the "official" girl friend, or me, the unacknowledged love?

sigh. the price a thinking woman has to pay!