Wednesday, December 28, 2005

rising above jealous me

it was a playful, intimate talk we were having, when the conversation turned to a young waitress who tried to bluntly pick him up by asking him if she could "borrow" him for an afternoon for a movie date, at a restaurant he's been eating in, so many years ago, before we even met, and i suddenly felt my self huffing and puffing and seeing red, then black. : (

he noticed my growing jealousy, i guess, with my crisp, curt responses, and i turned even cooler, too polite this time, when i quickly changed the subject and reminded him that he needed his rest, as he's still recovering from his flu. i don't know if he noticed or started worrying about me being upset again, but i sensed he did because a little later, he sent me messages blabbering on about other things. : )

J is sweet; he didn't do anything wrong. it's my own fierce jealousy i have to contend with, which still rears its ugly head at the oddest and most unreasonable of times.

i congratulate my self, though, for handling it quite well this time-- cool and distant, but polite and loving still. i guess maybe because it has a lot to do with J, who is the type of person who would never intentionally cause me to be jealous just because his"needs" and his "freedom" come first.

this episode took quite a lot settling down, though.

first i went to bed, and cried.
then i fell asleep in the middle of the day and missed lunch (i ate lunch later, when i woke up, and felt better).
then, whatever vestiges of fury i still felt, i used the energies for tackling my cleaning and filing and organizing chores, so much so that i finished what has been taking me three days already all in one afternoon! : )
after my little double achievement (cleaning up and getting my petty jealousy to simmer down), i indulged my self in a slow, pleasurable shower, letting the cold water run through my hair and face, from my forehead down (this is my favorite part always, as it sends me little delightful shivers all over, almost like an orgasm! heehee), which finally caused my jealousy to totally evaporate.

is this the beginning of a new facet to me, too?

where were the days when i raised hell, spewed fire and brimstone at whomever was the target of and accomplice to my jealousy? : )

or, even farther beyond, back in the days before i learned to raise hell-- where were those days when i would suddenly, totally freeze up instead, my stare and words so cold the iciness knifed through, especially when i suddenly said goodbye without any explanation?

i must really be growing up now.


i deserve a big hug for today.
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