Sunday, December 31, 2006

My New Year's Resolution

Family and friends who know me would laugh at my one and only (well, there's a list, of course, but the rest in the list are just a finetuning, a continued improvement on old ones) new New Year's Resolution-- to learn how to cook and bake well, at last.

(blush! blush!)

Well, now that the house is pretty with the repainting and refurbishing done, all that's needed is the finishing touch, for the lady of the house to learn how to feed the One she loves, very well.

and in all ways.

: ) : ) : ) heehee!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


I have been an avid water drinker for the last 2 to 3 years now and I can personally attest to the health (clearer skin, more regular movement, even weight loss!) and mind (lighter feeling, focus, clarity) and lifestyle (simpler, cleaner, clearer, more peaceful, happier, more joyful way of life) benefits that come from simply drinking lots of water regularly.

And I basically adopted more water drinking as a way of life because of several initiating reasons: tight finances necessitated that my children and I drink water instead of our usual favorite beverages, which in turn led me to the pleasant discovery of feeling lighter and more focused and losing weight and looking good, which coincided with my meditation studies and practices, which led me to spiritual literature and spiritual cinema, like "What the Bleep Do You Know?", which mentioned the water experiments of a Japanese scientist, Dr. Masaru Emoto, on the amazing effects of both positive and negative thoughts on water!

So, when I received an invitation from Vance Alford to check out Xooma and after I read and studied what Xooma was all about, I became very excited! Somehow, it rang true to both my heart and experience! And somehow, too, things seem to be coming together, addressing my first reasons for turning into a water-rooted way of life: as a way to deal with tight finances and wanting not only to look and feel better about my self and my life in general, but living a life of Abundance in all ways.

It has been such a wondrous journey, and I believe Xooma is not just any MLM company out to fatten its Network by feeding off its downlines, but a unique business that both offers a product that not only improves health but even helps promote a more peaceful way of life, as well as lets everybody in on sharing all the Abundance this Universe yearns to give to us all!

In case you're wondering what I do (and whether I'm just one of those tree-hugging kookies talking about the Universe, etc. : >)-- well, I teach Economics, Cultural Studies and Communications courses at a well-respected university in our city, a freelance writer, researcher, speaker and trainer, and a multi-awarded children's book writer in my country, and I'm willing to put my name and reputation on the line for such a worthy endeavor as this!

: )

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Astrosync explains

sigh. if it weren't for my personalized Astrosync subscription of M and i, i'd go bonkers with his self-imposed funk!

good thing i have the Astrosync to keep things in bigger perspective. check this out, it has been like this for days now! no wonder.


Your ability to connect right now is challenging (Red Light). There are some astrological factors that make it slightly more difficult to relate to MB right now. Fine tune your approach to him by honing in and adjusting your approach to these key aspects of relating.

How to attract MB :
Don't ask to much of MB, whose Mars is forming a challenging angle to the Moon. You're better off satisfying your own needs.
How to assert yourself with MB :
Some TLC from MB can give you a boost, which you probably need now that the Moon forms a challenging angle to your Mars.



at least, i have a definite reason not to take it personally. : )

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Advice needed

when her man is feeling down and out and unsure of himself and his capacities, how can a woman best support him and not get in his way at the same time?

i need advise from all good men out there, this time. (i've already had enough advise from women.)

help me, please!

Monday, November 06, 2006

First Step

i just signed up (and paid for) a Yahoo domain name of my own, and i am excited!... as the first step to another dream has now been made.

i have my work cut out for me when i take my one year's unpaid leave from my university work by June, 2007, as this will be one main project i want to get off the ground within then!

check it out here.

what do you think? : )

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Evolutionary Women

From Evolutionary Women's The Call -

As Evolutionary Women we are co-creating, with our brothers and sisters, an enlightened world that works for everyone. We’ve arrived at the critical time when our very survival depends on us becoming greater than we are now. Many experts, male and female, have acknowledged that the missing element in our social context has been the full participation of the Feminine Principle. We are the Feminine embodied. We are conscious that through our individual talents, skills and presence we contribute to the evolution of all of humanity, individual and collective.

And Barbara Marx Hubbard's explanation--

What is an Evolutionary Woman?

Something radically new is happening in our age around the roles of women. It is almost as though a new kind of woman is emerging.

In the west we are having fewer children and living longer lives. Women’s visibility is increasing as they participate at all levels of society. In less fortunate parts of the world, population pressures are impacting women as well, and the old dictum “be fruitful and multiply up to maximum” does not always apply.

The effect on women of this bio-evolutionary development is profound. We are shifting from procreation toward cocreation. There is a trend developing, away from reproducing ourselves toward evolving ourselves. Many of us are experiencing this trend as an upwelling of creativity, spirituality, and vitality. We find ourselves yearning for life purpose, chosen work, and a vocation that expresses our unique creativity for the good of the self and the larger human family.

I call this the rise of suprasexual cocreativity. Our life’s impulse now is expanding into the creative drive for purpose and self-expression.

We are recognizing ourselves as Evolutionary Women; Feminine Cocreators. We are building a new archetype, a new agency of evolution. This archetype is arising now during Late Transition on planet Earth, along with many crises that we are told might destroy our life support systems within our own lifetimes! It is clear that the current leadership, whether male or female, is not leading us in a direction that will carry through the transition to a future equal to our full potential.

The whole woman, the universal woman, the evolutionary woman, the feminine cocreator is now vital to the survival and evolution of our whole species.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


some part of me wonders if i should be worried that i am not worried. imagine that now.

haven't heard from M since last Saturday, and that's because he's off travelling, to make money for the bank he's now connected with, and of course for him self, for our dreams and goals... : )

i miss him terribly, of course. i look at his flight schedules at his account in (he gave me access to them early on, so at least i wouldn't worry too much with all sorts of wild imaginings), and i feel sorry for all the catch-up sleeping he must do at airports and in airplanes, with his after midnight to dawn flights, and his business meetings the rest of the day.

travelling around the globe used to sound so exotic and fun to me, but seeing it up close now, i am having second thoughts. : (

what is strange for me, though, is that, unlike with other loves before, i am not panicking in my missing him, when i used to really go down to the depths when i don't hear from a love for a few hours.

i miss him and yet when i think of him, i am filled with a delicious, warm, secure, happy feeling that all is right with the world, with our world particularly, especially since i know that he is working hard for our dreams. ive never had anyone invest in his life for me, for us, that way before, like i am some sort of a goddess (well.... i believe i am... heehee... but i never thought anyone else would believe as i believe!!!), and he going off to battle in the quest to lay his trophies at my feet .... : ) : ) : )

he is in my thoughts the whole day, and i talk to him secretly that way. yet, contemplating him, i am not filled with a sense of emptiness from his not being by my side yet; in fact, contemplating him, i am just so happily filled with him!

what a strange, strange experience, indeed.

so, this is what Trust is like, huh...

strange, strange, strange, new feeling.

i still can't get over it.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My Wish for You

whoever you are, if you have come to this place, i believe you are meant to read this. so here is my wish for you today (please click on the word "wish") ...

and please just pass it on. : )

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Holy Day Today

it's the end of one month, the beginning of another.

it's also just two weeks more before we-- my sister, my sister-in-law and i-- leave for the HK Show we have been preparing for for months already, to launch our new family export company, where i've been taking the lead role up to now.

so i took a break today and dated my self the whole day-- first for some cleansing and goddess pampering at the skin clinic, then off to the spa for a thai body scrub and aromatherapeutic massage, then capping it off with a hot oil, manicure, pedicure and foot spa treat at my favorite beauty salon. : ) my way of "arming" my self for the "battle" (i prefer to see it as an "adventure") ahead!!!

when i got home, Thea told me some people have been calling for me on the phone. i told her they called and texted me, too, while i was at the spa. but i kept my phone on silent, and texted them back only after i was done. Thea said she told one caller i was at the spa, and the caller wanted to know which spa, as they must have meant to follow me even there! : (

i told Thea not to do that next time, to reveal my whereabouts to people-- except family-- especially on a holy day like today. Thea quickly agreed.

goddesses deserve their day off, after all. : )

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

How Women Sabotage Relationships

From a free subscription e-newsletter--

Amanda, 25, is a dynamic PR manager who’s rising quickly up the company ladder. She has a beautiful apartment, legs to die for and a six-figure salary. So why can’t she hold a steady relationship? Because every time she gets serious with a guy, she initiates the “where is this going?” talk – otherwise known as the kiss of death in any relationship. Read on for more fatal errors women make with their guys to find out how you could be sabotaging your relationship. Plus: take our quiz to find out if jealousy is jeopardizing your love life…

1. “I think I can change him”

You may be able to get him to pick up the dirty socks on the floor or stop clipping his toenails on the rug. But certain personality traits are inherent and no amount of cajoling or nagging can change them. Does he refuse to say he’s sorry, no matter how wrong he is? Does he insist on hanging out with the boys every Friday night? Women who constantly berate their partners for things they can’t change are headed for failure. The woman will feel ignored, and the man will feel constantly nagged. Facing the fact that your guy may never change can be hard, especially if you have to give up your dream of a happy future together. You can accept him the way he is, or better yet find someone else who’s more compatible with your desires and treats you well.

2. The dreaded “where is this going?” talk

When men hear the words, “Where is this going?” they freeze up. Women ask this question because there’s a lack of communication and they want to know where they stand. For example, if she wants a commitment but he doesn’t want to be tied down, then that’s an issue that needs to be brought into the open. Problem is, men don’t like to be put on the spot and discuss their feelings. And between us girls, we know it’s because they don’t know their feelings or how to handle them. So instead of trying to guarantee your future together, focus on your guy’s actions. Look for the little (and sometimes hidden) signs that he’s committed to the relationship. Does he open the door for you, answer the phone when you call and make an effort to impress your friends? If so, he’s investing in the relationship’s future. On the other hand, if the only time he calls you is to invite you over for hanky panky and can’t remember your favorite color or food, it’s safe to say he’s just not that into you.

3. Giving up your passions

Being in a relationship means making time for your man and keeping his needs in mind. But if his needs are the only thing you have in mind, there’s a problem. Living your life to please your partner and catering to his every need won’t make anyone happy. If you want a truly successful relationship, you must have other interests. If all you can talk about is what your man likes to eat for dinner and how he likes his shorts folded, then it’s time to get a life.
Think of the activities you used to do when single. Were you passionate about writing poetry, swimming or studying history? Making time for your boyfriend shouldn’t mean forgoing all the activities that you loved before. And don’t worry about leaving him alone while you jet off to Europe. He loves the downtime but would never admit it! And when you do come together, you’ll find that your relationship is fresher and you are both more interesting people because of your separate pursuits.

4. Living for the future

Many woman stay with a partner because they believe that somehow, the future will be better. Even though the present is filled with arguing and conflict, they hold out for the possibility that their luck will turn around. Of course, every relationship will has its rough patches, and if you’re both in love then it’s worth the effort to work out your issues. But if you’re arguing every day or you grow sad every time you think of him, then it doesn’t make sense to stay together. Occasionally, fights are okay, but your relationship should bring you happiness overall.

5. Dissing his friends

Like it or not, your man has known his buddies a lot longer than he’s known you. He may have friends who are like brothers to him, friends with whom he has shared his childhood and memories. Treat them like family – be gracious, complimentary and friendly, even if you think they’re complete losers. Being rude to those your boyfriend cares about could put him in the awkward position of having to choose between the two of you. If you love your man, you’ll make an effort to be gracious to those he cares for, including his friends and family.

Relationship etiquette comes down to a basic principle: Respect yourself and your partner. Even if they take extra time and work, having relationships matters because a happy union can protect your health, help you live longer and even boost your immune system. Relationships are complicated, but if you vow to never to commit these 5 relationship sins then you’ll be one step closer to your happily ever after.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Reclaiming Women's Wisdom, Women's Power

From "Romancing the Ordinary: A Year of Simple Splendor" by Sarah Ban Breathnach:

Women were created to experience, interpret, revel in, and unravel the mysteries of Life through their senses. Our senses speak the secret language of the soul—longing. If there is anything every woman understands—whether she is single or married, eighteen or eighty—it is the dialect of desire.

Emotion is the feminine mother tongue Think of how often the senses are evoked in our casual conversation to convey a women’s inner life: "I was so touched..." "I heard that..." "I see your point." "I felt misunderstood." "I could taste it, I wanted it so badly." "I had a hunch you’d call."

And yet how often in the course of one day do you deny your feelings’ validity? How often do you turn away from their urgings or suppress the unruly things? Could it be that we don’t trust our feelings because we haven’t ever given ourselves permission to live as we are meant to? Luckily, most of us are born fully sentient beings, able "to perceive the world with all its gushing beauty and terror, right on our pulses," as the poet and naturalist Diane Ackerman tells us in her exquisite evocation A Natural History of the Senses. And yet we continually shut ourselves down, condemn ourselves to misery by rendering ourselves blind, deaf, and mute.

Think back to the three best moments of your life. Slowly summon them to return. Watch them ride a wave of rediscovery on your sense memories as you bring back the setting and mood and power of those moments.

Call back a moment of exhilaration and engagement. What were you doing? What were you looking at, holding, or hearing?

Call back a moment of clarity and commitment. What private prompt of your intuitive heart did you act upon?

Call back a moment of transcendence and transformation. What wonder was hidden in the tastes and textures of your everyday life? Today revisit those moments when your soul soared and yet you were completely connected to earth. And then, throughout the day, echo James Joyce’s heroine Molly Bloom’s exquisite moment of surrender by offering it to Heaven as a private psalm: And yes I said yes I will Yes!


more than just senses, i'd call it Intuition, though. that wild kind of knowing, living by the gut, living by one's bones.

or simply following one's bliss. : )

Friday, September 22, 2006

Love Challenges

we've hurdled our first 3 months' head-over-heels-falling-in-love phase, and are now settling into laying the groundwork for more real love to grow...

this is a new experience for me, to go beyond the usual sweet nothings and lusty exchanges, but to settle into the day-to-day challenges of daily living, together with another, learning more sensitivity for another, patience, self-restraint, learning how to balance meeting another adult's needs as well as one's own, preserving the integrity of one's boundaries even while nurturing the development of deeper intimacy with another, and willingly taking on my own subordinate yet powerfully and subtly influential role towards the building of a common goal and dream together... learning the steps of a more intricate, masterful dance this time.

i am feeling quite disoriented, and at a loss... so i went to my favorite online oracle for more perspective on the situation, and here is what my free relationships reading at says--

Accepting your role in a relationship situation stimulates personal growth and leads to reward.

The card that lands in the Love Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Four of Wands in this position supports a persistent effort to be reliable and responsible in a relationship situation. Effective teamwork sometimes depends on successfully making up for each other's missing skills, and you are being asked to hold up your end. While your partner is working on his or her specialties, you are expected to work on yours.

This creative relationship effort may push you, stimulate you, and demand that you give more and grow more than you would on your own. When you rise to the challenge with enthusiasm, you may be richly rewarded. Enjoy the process. Take time to see how teamwork and accomplishment enhance your self-esteem and the closeness of your relationship.

amazing online synchronicity principle and insight at work, huh? : )

Sunday, September 17, 2006



Have commitment issues ever caused problems in your relationships? Maybe you played tug of war with a partner who couldn’t commit to you on the level you needed. Or maybe you were the non-committing party in the relationship. Regardless of who was more devoted, chances are that the relationship didn’t grow to become something meaningful. A solid and healthy relationship cannot survive if the level of commitment is unbalanced. The only way to have a healthy relationship is for both partners to be equally committed – sounds obvious, right? But it’s not always so simple. Find out where fear of commitment stems from…

Committing yourself to another person can be an incredibly powerful and gratifying experience. You’re melding your life with someone else’s, for better or worse. There are few greater gifts in life that you can give the person you love. But commitment is nevertheless a risk you take, no matter how gung-ho you are about the person you want to marry. Every big decision in life isn’t made without anxiety, doubt and fear, especially one that implies such finality. It’s what makes the decision real – and there’s nothing more real than committing yourself to someone for life. So how do you really know when your fear of commitment is valid or when it’s just masking unreasonable fears?

Here are five common reasons for your fear of commitment:

1. You think forever is a long time

The thought of eternal togetherness makes you look at the concept of time in a whole different way. If it’s a life-long commitment you or your partner wants, you have to be able to visualize the future and the rest of your life together. This is the person you’ll grow old and grey with, the only person who you’ll ever be intimate with again. Think in terms of finality and be sure to separate whether it’s the actual person you can or can’t see yourself with or if it’s any of next few fears. Some people are commitment phobic because they know they’re with the wrong person. And there’s nothing wrong with that unless you continue to string that person along. Commitment should be viewed as having more to gain than lose, so don’t make any promises to someone who you can’t see your forever with.

2. You fear giving up your freedom

Single people value their freedom, and for many, especially for those who have been single for such a long time, a committed relationship threatens that freedom. Having to answer to another person might not sound that appealing because every decision you make will have to be with your partner in mind, and that seems stifling to many. However, making decisions for your partnership is what love and commitment is all about, and if you’re not willing to forgo a little bit of freedom, then you’re not ready for commitment.

3. Your other priorities are more important

Committing yourself to somebody in mind, body and soul just sounds like too much effort and pressure for you. It might feel like you have to put everything else aside. But maybe your other priorities in life just can’t be put on hold. If your priorities are time-consuming, like finishing school, caring for an ailing family member or getting situated financially, then commitment might not be in the cards for you right now. And that’s perfectly reasonable when you have to prioritize your life.

You have to be willing to put your needs ahead of your partner’s needs in a relationship, so make sure that you have your life straightened out before embarking on a serious relationship.

4. You fear betrayal

You’re never more vulnerable than you are when you’re in a committed relationship, especially marriage. Your vows represent your commitment to one another, but unfortunately these promises aren’t necessarily guarantees. When you fully give yourself to someone, you’re taking on the possibility that your partner may let you down, and that’s a terrifying prospect.

For some, the thought alone of being cheated on is enough to get them to never fully commit to one person, especially if they’ve been burned before. Commitment issues stemming from infidelity become a security blanket to never fully commit. That way, a betrayal won’t hurt as bad if your whole heart was never fully committed. You can never know for sure what a partner might do to you, but you can definitely hedge your bets by choosing someone with integrity and values, and dating him or her long enough to really know their character. In truth, you have to be able to trust your partner with your life.

5. You’re just not ready for it

There’s nothing wrong with not being ready for a commitment to someone. Sometimes it’s your circumstances, state of mind, age, other priorities, or all of these factors combined. Maybe you don’t think you’re worthy or capable of being one half of a successful relationship. If you feel you’re just not ready for it, then take some time out to be alone to learn more about yourself and discover what your needs and wants are for your relationships and out of life. By strengthening who you are as a person, you’ll strengthen a future relationship and your chances of a healthy and long-lasting relationship increase.

If your partner exhibits signs of commitment phobia through his or her words and actions, and you’re ready to commit, you may have to let go of the relationship in order to give yourself what you want and need. You can’t pressure anyone into a life decision as big as marriage and you certainly shouldn’t want to. Chances are that you’ll feel your partner’s trepidation, and despite the heartache that follows this rejection, you have to move on to do what’s best for you.

There’s nothing wrong with being ultimately incompatible, but there is a problem with hanging onto a relationship where there are evident signs of commitment phobia. If you know it will never go anywhere, let go now before you waste too much time.

If you’re the commitment-phobe, don’t ever commit to someone because you feel under pressure to make a decision or just want to please your partner. You have to be honest with what you want and expect out of your relationship. Sometimes it’s the person that’s not right for you and other times it’s your situation in general.

Overcoming fear of commitment will happen when you find the right person, put faith into the prospect of commitment and sift through your fearful emotions to get to the heart of why you want to commit in the first place. It’s OK to enter into a committed relationship with fears, but don’t avoid identifying and evaluating your fears so that you never have to take the plunge. You’d surely be missing out on the best that life has to offer when you give in to your fear of commitment.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Ebb Tides

there used to be a time when i would panic at the first sign of decrease... at the first signals of slackening... especially in close romantic relationships. i wanted all the highs without the lows... well, the lows too, but the emotional and dramatic kinds of lows, not the routine blah ones that normally accompany daily living and loving. i wanted the dance to last forever.

these days, though, i am learning to sensitively recognize and accept ebb tides gracefully, go with the flow and even ride them in peaceful, loving contemplation, welcoming the breathers, in fact, to temporarily withdraw and mend my own nets, nurture my own garden... knowing and trusting now that when the flood comes again, it can only be better, more transformative, deeper, bringing us even closer together.

these days, i find my self developing a wiser, more sober, more mature, but nonetheless even deeper kind of loving, the kind of loving that knows in time when to let go, and when to embrace, in tune, in step with the dance at last.

that psychological concept of the challenge between intimacy and independence that one must go through as a developmental task in adulthood; i think i am getting it right this time, balancing my and my loved one's needs for both, letting my self succumb to the natural rhythms without fear and anxiety now... well, there's still always that little feeling of dread and trepidation before the descent... but with more trust and grace and peacefulness and inner joy now.

i am also reminded now of Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes' "Sleep of Trust" phase that she described in her book --

When lovers enter this state, they are surrendering to the forces within themselves, those that have trust, faith, and the profound power of innocence. In this spiritual sleep, the lover trusts that the works of his soul will be worked in him, that all will be as it should be. This lover sleeps the sleep of the wise instead of the wary.

His trust is not dependent on his lover not to hurt him. His is a trust that any wound that comes to him can be healed, a trust that new life follows old.

For love to thrive, the mate must trust that whatever will be, will be transformative.

this is where i am right now.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Relaxing Into Trust

it's a strange feeling-- relaxing, easing into TRUST, with a man now. it's a new feeling, a new way of being and behaving... and it takes some time getting used to, but i like it.

it is such a relief not having to keep all my fears and doubts and worries to my self, not having to second guess a man's every word or move, knowing that whatever it is that bothers me, i can just speak up and ask him about it, and he answers me promptly and straightforwardly, even to the point of being clumsily blunt, in his own lovable way, as if i were just his buddy. : ) and i am loving it!!!

i don't have to worry about whether he'd feel offended by my questions, or get mad even, or feel hurt that i don't trust him enough, because he has enough self-possession and self-confidence not to get shaken by my temporary losses of faith...

i don't have to second-guess his silences and his words, because he means what he says, and he says what he means, and i am learning to actually expect that now, instead of expecting to be stonewalled, ignored, or scolded and accused.

i don't have to hide with him, as everyone close to him in his life (his mom, his dad, his business partner, even his dad's Filipino employee, and his apartment tenant!) knows about me and is happy for him and me! of course, that goes the same for me and everyone close to me in my life too. : )

i can be my self, at last, and i can come out of hiding, as i was always meant to be, as i always deserved to be!

the more i heal into Trust again with my love, the more i realize how much i still needed a lot of healing, how the past has hurt and broken me so, and how it's time for me to stop licking my own wounds in the dark, but time now to expose it to the light, because the light is gentle and loving after all, not scorchingly diminishing....

if only for this, i thank God for M in my life now.

i am so still so awed, and humbled, at this Grace that has come upon me, at this time in my life.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Comes the Dawn

i first saw this poem in Danielle Steel's collection of Love poems, but my mom handwrote it for me on a sheet of bond paper many many years ago, when i was around 17 or 18, while she was having her own marriage troubles, and a year or two before she finally left...

recently, i've tried to find it in the Net, but what i find in the Net now is the original version by Judith Evans, or Veronica Shofftall (there is a debate as to who really wrote it).

i like this Danielle Steel version better and i'd like to keep it here for Net posterity, as the copy my mom gave me is now yellowed and tattered around the edges.


comes the dawn

after a while you learn
the subtle difference
between holding a hand
and sharing a life
and you learn that love
doesn't mean possession
and company
doesn't mean security
and loneliness is universal.
and you learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents
aren't promises.

so you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes open
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build your hope
on today
as the future has a way
of falling apart
in mid-flight.
because tomorrow's grounds
can be too uncertain for plans
each step taken
in a new direction
creates a path
toward the promise
of a brighter dawn.

and you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

so you plant your own garden
and nourish your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone
to bring you flowers.

and you learn that love,
true love,
always has joys and sorrows
seems ever present
yet is never quite the same
becoming more than love
and less than love
so difficult to define.

and you learn
that through it all--
you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
that you do have value.

and you learn and grow
with every goodbye
you learn.

The Death Card

in response to my question in, i get this answer--

Trust that dramatic relationship changes such as these only happen according to divine appointment.

The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.

The Death card in this position indicates the awesome challenge that death and rebirth present. Letting go is not easy, especially when we may be called upon to make a major shift in a potential relationship. Have faith that this change may benefit you more than clinging to the old ways would have. The farmer understands the truth of this card and the meaning of the sickle in the image. There is a time for everything: a time to plant, a time for things to grow and become fat, a time to harvest, a time for things to be cut back or lie fallow.

You may be dying to some part of your past. Accept the letting go of a possible relationship that needs to happen. Release your load. Is it possible that the attachments that have helped you feel secure have, in truth, come to own you? Accept this rebirth into better times. If fear of change or oblivion gets in your way, you may struggle to keep your morale up.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Goddess Treat

it got so bad yesterday, i wasn't only weepy and blue, dragging my heels, listless, unable to concentrate on anything else except him, i felt actually sick, sick with love!

well, at least, now i know how to quickly bring my self out of the dumps. i forced my self to shower, fix my self up, go out and drive to my favorite spa. unfortunately, the spa was closed. i forgot it was a Sunday. : (

so i did the other best thing-- on to the skin clinic for a Diamond Peel facial, and then on to the beauty salon for a complete hot oil, manicure, pedicure, foot spa and even eyebrow trim pampering!!!

i am feeling better today, more like my goddess self. thank Goddess! : )

then, too, his little comment from all my drama and sturm and drang and revelations of the depth of my feelings and passions for him, when i asked him to forget that i made them, made the emotional vortex all worth it-- "Forget? I found them cute."

ohhh, i am worse than a 17-year-old!!!

Saturday, August 26, 2006


nine times. i have made love to him for 9 times, already, without his knowing it!

this is the first relationship i have ever been where the sexual undercurrent is not at the forefront; no overt sexual flirting and innuendos at all in our conversations, well a shy joke once or twice, but that's about it.

i can even begin to understand that line from that impossible song now, "to love, pure and chaste from afar..." : S

so yes, that's why this-- he, us, what we have-- is sooo precious.

but what to do with my growing and raging passions, aside from my already very sensual and sexual nature???

so on some days after really intense conversations and even heated debates about what we really want for our selves and for the future, about his work and my work, etc.... and when im feeling like he might be having too much of me already, i step back, keep quiet, give him time to “digest” me, and maybe miss me more... but keep my self "merged" to him in some way by doing this .... this "red" magic pleasuring.

heehee. : )

i have read somewhere long ago that this keeps you both united, beyond body, beyond words, where it really counts, despite the distance that temporarily keeps you apart. shhhhh.... : )

it keeps me sane, too, from this terrible terrible missing of him, and longing for him, and of loving him so!!!

i hope the 10th will be for real, though.

i am smoking so, i think i might actually die of spontaneous combustion!!!


Sunday, August 20, 2006

That "L" Word

i never had much trouble with it before, it seems. it always was spoken too soon, too easily, maybe in the haste to bring in intimacy where there was really none.

nowadays, though, with M... i am feeling like an awkward, gawking, bumbling teen-ager again, and i sense he feels the same. : ) it is almost cute, if it wasn't so torturous. : (

he mentions it indirectly... like he says his mom has fallen in love with me and is now counting the days to our marriage.... i mention it indirectly too, like i asked his mom when his exact birthtime was so we could match up our horoscopes and see if we are really soulmates, according to the stars...

then he lets it slip, as if carelessly, somewhere in a long email about everything and nothing at all... i respond back, by letting it slip, as if carelessly too, by saying "Love," instead of "Hugs," in signing my emails... and then... we go back to being friends again.

last friday was really something, though. in our desperate missing of each other, he finally said those three magical words, and i responded back in kind... only for us to be suddenly rendered wordless for 36 hours!

then, shyly, hesitantly again, we venture out of our shells, and pretend to just be on friendly terms again.

why is it, that now, when feelings run so deep they are scary, we are suddenly at a loss for telling each other how we really feel?

and for me at 38, him at 47, both of us writers and speakers, with Gemini (the sign of the communicator) prominent (his Sun, my Ascendant) in our charts!

imagine that.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Acts of Faith, and Miracles

i remember a line from the film, Under the Tuscan Sun-- "if you build the house, the occupants will come" -- which was similar to another line in the film, Field of Dreams -- "if you build the (baseball) diamond, the players will come"-- or something to that effect, and i marvel at how true they are in my life now.

a year and a half ago, i decided to stop "playing around" with short-term flings and little romances, because even if they were fun adventures, they were not doing any good to my mental, emotional and even physical health in the long run, with the risks i were taking. ive learned what i had to learn, i figured, "sowed my oats", so to speak, and so i thought it was time for me to settle down into my self, and give to me the loving that i sought elsewhere but never seemed to get, just love me and give to me and pamper me as i deserved, at last.

and so it went that as i got used to loving me just as i am, i met friends -- men and women -- who were also more of the giving types, not the taker types i used to be surrounded with before. and their friendships and nurturing further bolstered my sense of value, of feeling more deserving of true and good loving just as i am, without my having to do anything else to earn it or to pay for it.

a little over two months ago, i was introduced by an old college friend to a man whom i connected with so deeply and so soon, it brought that old girlhood dream and mantra... "soulmate"... back to life for me again.

im taking it slow this time, though... making sure i do it right this time. and surprisingly for me (i have been with men before who just pushed and rushed and insisted, never mind what i wanted or how i felt about things), he respects it and abides by it. our friendship's developing beautifully; he is like the amalgamation of all the other friends ive had over the past year and a half. he has introduced me to his mom, and his mom and i hit it off quick too. : ) he told me one time how "bizaare" his feelings for me are-- "i cannot imagine life without you in it, and yet you have just arrived in it!"

what never ceases to amaze me is, in addition to the fact of our quick and deep connection, his life circumstances are in such a way that they fit mine, and mine his, supporting each other's dreams, filling each other's little lacks.... oohhh, almost like a perfect fit. bizaare, indeed. one example is even before i met him, i resolved to my self that i will take a leave of absence from my day job by next schoolyear, to create space for my heart's true desires-- writing and reading and maybe even more travelling through the family business and my burgeoning speaking career. now, here comes a man who is not only very passionate about reading and writing (and his mom and only sister are writers too!) but a world traveler too, who is seeking to settle down at last yet still also wants to introduce me and my little ones to the places he has been! i still secretly glow from his solemn promise-- "someday, we will all travel, including your little treasures." : ) : ) : )

of course, one side of me says maybe it is still too early to know for sure, that time will tell. but so far, things have been growing beautifully, everyday miracles manifesting.

if not for anything else, what i love (we haven't spoken that L word hush...) most about this man is that he makes me laugh. even when he complains and rants about his day, without his meaning to, they always come out funny, and he just makes me laugh, and feel warm all over. i could live with someone who makes me laugh, no matter what, for the rest of my life!

: D


oohh, God, help me be worthy; God help me do it right this time!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

my match

i may have found my match at last.

last night, we had our first big argument. i considered it a fight; he just considers it my venting.

so while i trembled and shook, in all fury, he took it all yet held his ground too, gently telling me where i was shooting off arrows off tangent, telling me how im hurting him... but holding his steadfast ground just the same. he didnt quake nor tremble as i did, or worse, break down himself from all my fuming. he just stayed there, held his ground, not so stoically, quite noisily too, but held his ground still.

for the first time, i didn't have to take care of another even as i spit fire. i was taken care of, instead.

i may have found my match at last.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Likened to "Maria"

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee;
Her dress has got a tear.

She waltzes on her way to mass,
And whistles on the stair

And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair.

I even heard her singing in the abbey.

She's always late for chapel
But her penitence is real.

She's always late for everything
Except for every meal!

I hate to have to say it but I very firmly feel--
Maria's not an asset to the abbey.

I like to say a word in her behalf--
Maria makes me laugh!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet, a will o the wisp, a clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her;
Many a thing she ought to understand.
But how do you make her stay,
And listen to all you say,
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused,
Out of focus and bemused,
And I never know exactly where I am.

Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather.

She's a darling, she's a demon, she's a lamb.

She'd outpester any pest,
Drive a hornet from its nest;
She can throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!

She is gentle, she is wild;
She's a riddle, she's a child;
She's a headache, she's an angel;
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet, a will o the wisp, a clown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her;
Many a thing she ought to understand.
But how do you make her stay,
And listen to all you say,
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

mind games

244 emails
back and forth
in 47 days--
the dance began.

shy, at first,
then with each step
surer, faster
in unison,
to a feverish pitch,
then we revealed
our hearts.

and then
i had to go away
for two days
or so i told you;
but i went away
in more than one way too:
seeking balance,
trying to find an even keel,
frightened by the speed--
"i want to do it right this time"--
only to come back
missing you
more than ever.

"hi, im back!"
is all a friend is just supposed to say
but my 909 words
betray me.

let 18 more hours pass
before you reply--
"id love to write to you so much
but it's bedtime.
so i will keep you in suspense."

18 words
for my 909.
: (

the dance has changed tune;
the mind games have begun.
i see it
i know it
i am even amused by it--
but i hate it
all the same.

i just so want to fall
but i must hold my self in check.
play my part
dance my discreet dance:
pulling you back
by pulling away
my self.


Monday, July 24, 2006

The Wanderer

while rummaging through my old stuff, i found this little poem i wrote on March 3, 1988, three days after my 20th birthday. funny how it sounds like it's just been written now; held true for me then, still holds true for me now--

I am the wanderer
whom nobody owns
And owns nobody
but her self.

I am the wanderer
who has no home
but the hearts of those
she has come to kow
and the lives of those
she has come to touch.

I am the wanderer
who loves everybody
and whom everybody will love
because they must.

I am the wanderer
always searching
temporarily finding
then searching again.

I am the wanderer
born to be alone.

The Sin of Happiness

i watched Chocolat with thea late last saturday evening, and im glad i did. actually, a friend or two mentioned it to me more than two years ago, how i should watch it because it reminded them of me, but i never encountered the opportunity, or maybe it wasnt the right time yet, until now.

the film is beautiful, both in form and substance. the rustic French village and its people were charming, despite their being too uptight and standoffish, which only made the main female character, Vianne, more vibrant and alive.

i can understand the film intimately, now, as i have lived through most of what Vianne has lived through, too. i guess thea is right-- it is about me and my life and who i am, in many ways. : )

it's basically just being different, being made to feel out of place, in a world of hypocrisy and rules that stifle the spirit and silence the heart, and how following one's heart and spirit becomes the greatest sin of all for this kind of world, which does not even begin to recognize that this very "sin" is its own hope for salvation, and redemption.

Monday, July 17, 2006


i loved him;
i love him
i have to take care
of me
and my little ones too.

time is not ours
or ever.

i visit him
from time to time
to see
how he's doing
and to know
how he is...

how do you leave
and yet
take care of him
from afar?

what do you do
when you want
to do things right
as much as
you love someone
in a love
that cannot be?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Thursday, June 22, 2006

heart breaks

how can one love (and be loved by) so fully and so fiercely, yet also need to be alone as passionately?

he thinks it is because of other people that i want to take space. he thinks.

let him believe in that if that helps him, even if the unfairness of that lie stings, and stinks.

i just want to be alone.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Missing Piece

funny how i am suddenly reminded of a cartoon we watched in college, twenty years ago, in a Philosophy of Man class.

it was a film about a circle with a missing piece (which looked like a round rolling cake with one slice taken out), rolling along, trying to find its missing piece. it traveled many highways and byways, over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, to find its missing piece.

first it found a piece, but the piece was too small, so even as the circle tried to fit it into itself as it rolled along, the piece kept falling off. so the circle had to let go of the little piece.

then it found another piece, but it was too big, so as the circle tried to stuff it into itself, it couldn't move forward. it was a struggle between the big piece and the smaller circle with the missing piece; they pushed and pulled but to no avail. so in the end the circle had to let go of the big piece.

then it found still another piece. the pointed end of this third piece fit into the circle's missing part, but the third piece had jagged edges, and hurt the circle so, as it tried to roll along. travelling was painful, so in the end the circle had to let go of the third piece.

then finally, the circle found a piece which fit, perfectly. whichever way you looked at it, turned the circle this way and that, the piece fit-- not too loose, not too tight, not too uncomfortable. finally, the circle turned into a smiley. it felt right! it found its missing piece!

and so, the circle rolled on, rolled along.... ladeedadeeda.... tumdeedumdeedum.... rolled on over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, with its missing piece. it rolled along perfectly, like a perfect circle should. all round and whole, smiling and rolling and smiling and rolling, all the way.

but then again, the circle found that it couldn't speak; the missing piece fit so perfectly, there was no place for the circle to open itself and speak. it rolled along, but slowly... sadly... this time, as the circle realized that it needed to speak more than it needed to find its missing piece. and so sadly, in the end, the circle had to say goodbye to its perfect missing piece.

it rolled along again, rolled over mountains, across lakes, even down to the bottom of the ocean and up again, without its missing piece. but it rolled on, happily this time, content just to be itself, a circle without its missing piece.


i forgot what the specific lesson was about now, but i do remember our Philosophy professor asking us to reflect on what the film meant to us.

i remember writing about how the film is symbolic of everyone's individual romantic journey, to find their missing piece, and how in the end, the journey just actually leads us back to ourselves, how the missing piece is not out there, but inside each one of us, and how when we find it inside, we stop looking for it outside anymore.

i remember, too, how the Professor returned all the papers back, except for mine. he asked to keep mine for his own reflection...

funny how i am reflecting on this again now.

Friday, April 28, 2006


something i got today from a spiritual newsletter i subscribe to--

It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with the idiot the rest of your life.

–From a popular t-shirt

Amen, and amen!!! : ) : ) : )

Friday, April 14, 2006

How Our Vios Came to Us

When our old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer started acting up late last year, and after I finished reading Joe Vitale's The Attractor Factor last December, I started seriously praying for/manifesting a new car.
I thought I'd want something with more space this time, and it was at this time when the Toyota Innova started becoming conspicuous in the streets and in the ads. So, I thought, a Toyota Innova would be good.

I didn't know how it would come about, or when, I just knew: I wanted the Toyota Innova, or something quite like it.

So I began the manifesting process by getting clear and ridding my self of any underlying internal blockages or emotions about desiring the Toyota Innova, which wasn't hard to do, as every time our old car conked out, my frustrations only served to fuel my desire for our new Toyota Innova.

Then, I researched the Toyota site, and placed a picture of a red Toyota Innova on my desktop. Every time I'd see an Innova in the streets, I'd smile at it as if in greeting and recognition and secretly pray, "Thank you, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!!!" : ) : ) : ) It became so habitual I'd promptly automatically smile and thank God for the Toyota coming our way when I'd see even just the Toyota logo.

At around this time, my brother, T, broached to our father how he feels bad for me for having to put up with the old car's troubles. He learned about how the kids and I would almost always just absent our selves from school and work whenever the old car conked out, because I didn't have the extra P300 a day budget for taxis back and forth in bringing them to school and then bringing them home, one at a time. My father finally offered to finance buying me a new secondhand car, but he made it clear that his budget would only be 100k pesos, tops.

It did came to me how I'd ever get my dream car with only 100k pesos... but then, I decided to let the Universe worry about that, and just kept on with my thanking for the Toyota coming our way.

Last Wednesday, when T took my father to the broker to check out the car he wanted to buy for me, given Papa's budget-- a 1995 Kia-- T told me this morning how Papa's eyes were riveted to the Toyota Vios instead. The Kia was owned by a person who wanted to sell it so he could buy the Vios. But, after test driving the Vios, Papa was hooked, and decided to go for the Vios instead, even if it was four times over his intended budget!!! : O

And that's how our Toyota Vios came to be. : ) It is not the Innova, yes, but I only wanted the Innova for its spaciousness, which the Vios has got. It is almost brand new, with only 10 months' use... and it is in the fiery red color that I wanted and envisioned and prayed for!!!

If this isn't God's handiwork now, then I don't know what is!!!

ohhhhh, thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come into our lives!!! : ) : ) : ) Posted by Picasa

Friday, March 31, 2006


a strange, strange thing happened just a while ago.

the car is down at the mechanic's shop again, so i had to commute by jeepney, from school to the phone office to pay my bill. i got down at the corner stop and walked to the phone office. as i was climbing up the steps of the phone office, this attractive young-looking guy called out to me from his car, calling me ma'am and waving, and my instinctive reaction was to smile and wave back, as former students usually do that when they see me even outside school.

then, as i was going into the phone office, the lady behind me seemed to reply back to the guy, so i thought sheepishly that i was mistaken, waving back to somebody waving to somebody behind me. : )

anyway, i went straight to the cashier to pay my bill. imagine my surprise when somebody said, "hi, rushing to beat the deadline huh?" and i turned to see the same guy that waved from his car earlier!

i was flustered and all i could do was say, "yes" back, even as i tried to place him and recall if i knew him. in the few seconds that i was taking out my bill and my money to pay the cashier, he was asking me where id be next, and i was shyly mumbling, "ooh, just paying bills", while i decided that i definitely did not know this guy! he was persistent but in a friendly way, saying he was paying bills too and maybe he could take me to where i was going?

oh god. one part of me felt flattered realizing that this young attractive guy was actually trying to pick me up, literally and figuratively! another part of me was thinking of those news reports about women being picked up by strange guys in their cars and not being heard of by family and friends afterwards.

i was gently trying to turn him down; i didn't know what i was saying, but he was insistent, saying he's seen me before in school and have always wondered what i did there, what did i do there? i asked questions back, how come you're in our school? he mumbled something about having a friend there who taught in the high school and also going to the gym.

anyway, after i paid my bill, i dawdled awhile and went to another counter, as if to fix my things, but actually turning my back to him, trying to make sense of what was happening. he dawdles around me too, and after a few moments, said, "so, i'll just go ahead? you sure you don't want a ride?" and i said, "yes, sure, please, go ahead." and gave him a wide smile, so he won't feel so rejected (oooh im a softie about unintentionally hurting people! even strangers!)

so he started walking as if to go ahead but he turned back just as i was zipping up my leathercase and he caught my eye. i smiled sheepishly and he waited for me then, and asked again to take me to the electric company, which was just a block away. it didnt seem to make sense now to back out, so i asked him his name as we walked to his car.

"B... B. M.", he gave me his full name. i smiled inwardly at the irony. he even has the ex's nick and initials!

anyway, once in his car, i made sure to check the door locks and the door lock buttons in the few brief moments while he walked around to his side to climb up the driver's seat too.

as he started driving, i don't know how it came out of me (maybe my training as researcher and interviewer), so i started asking how he was related to some people i knew who had his surname, and it turned out that they were his cousins! i heaved a sigh of more relief after that, although i still wondered at the suddeness and persistence of his actions. so, we made small talk. well, he talked, i asked and listened. : )

it was a good thing that the electric company had closed, that gave me a chance to ask him to just drop me off at the appliance store instead (whose parking area was full). i could tell he wanted to stay on as his eyes were searching for a parking spot, but it was full traffic, and his car was getting in the way of the long line of cars. so i got off and went straight into the appliance store.


i marvel at the rush i felt at the experience, though. the strangeness of it all, the attractiveness of this guy, the quick comfortable talk.

on the way home riding another jeepney, i still felt breathless at the headiness of it all. no, not really sexually, but more like just... alive kind of breathless, when things happen so fast and you have to make quick assessments and decisions and just go by your gut. that kind of rush.

: )

the last time i had a similar experience was way back in 2000, when i was driving around 8 months pregnant, and this strange young guy in a motorcycle drove alongside me and i stopped, thinking he was a former student, and he stopped too, saying he was a former student of our school but never my student, and that he just wanted to say "i love you" (!). i was so surprised and a bit scared by the suddenness of it all that i sped off thinking, "lunatic!", and he strode his motorcycle too and followed me all the while shouting "I love youuuu!!!"

: S

ooh, the strange, strange things i get into, without my even meaning to!

: O

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


while watching The Nanny last night, there was a part where Mr. Scheffield, the boss and father of the children, and Ms. Fines, the nanny, went to Gracie's, the youngest child, school for a PTA meeting. the headmistress, upon seeing Mr. Scheffield, went out of her way to welcome him. Ms. Fines butted in, and the headmistress looked at her condescendingly and asked who she was. Mr. Scheffield introduced her as the nanny, while he introduced the headmistress to Ms. Fines as the headmistress.

"headmistress, huh?", Ms. Fines's eyes widened incredulously. then she added, "wow, with your kind of experience, you should know by now that married men never really leave their wives, no matter how much they say they will!"

that should have been funny; it got the audience rolling.

but somehow, it just made me sad.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

My Orchid Moods

sweet, innocent , grace personified Posted by Picasa

in full power Posted by Picasa

getting interested... hmmmmm...... Posted by Picasa

aroused... flushed.... feverish... Posted by Picasa

engorged ... enraptured Posted by Picasa

relaxing in sweet sensations Posted by Picasa

the first vagina workshop

we had our first cast meeting and script reading this morning. we were given the chance to choose our roles; i chose Woman 4, mainly because she had long monologues (if im going to invest my time and energies here, might as well be for a role where i get to speak longer...), and i was comfortable with her monologue (speaking about discovering her vagina from a handheld mirror and what it did to her). : ) i discovered and have continuously watched mine in fascination since i was 17 years old!

anyway, we were asked to prepare for three more parts, too, our answers to--

1. how does your vagina smell like?
2. how does your moan sound like? (prepare to act/sound out a sample)
3. if it could wear something, what would your vagina wear?

there was a prepared script for the answers too, but our stage director encouraged us to come up with our own answers.

not a problem for me; ive answered those questions for my self long, long ago--

1. smells like an orchid, feels like an orchid, looks like an orchid
2. kittenish
3. a tiara of diamonds, and nothing else, resplendent in its barenaked glory!

the show will be on International Women's Day, March 11, 7:30 p.m., at the Garden Royale.

welcome to women's intimate and soul-renewing world!

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Vagina Monologues, A Year After

around this time last year, i wrote about watching the play here and my commentaries on it.

this year, on march 11, international women's day, at 7:30 p.m. to be exact, i will be part of the cast when it shows again at the Garden Royale this time.

a friend who's a theatre director and producer texted me last week to ask me if i can join. script unseen, role unknown, i enthusiastically said, "Yes!"

i was excited at this new adventure, to explore new(or long-forgotten) parts of me and see how i do in dinner theatre this time. still, it didnt seem real as i didnt hear from my friend again.

today, though, i got my part of the script. i still don't know my role but im supposed to familiarize my self with the script i have as of now, so that it will be easier when i am assigned my role.

there are 4 women's roles in this script; i wonder which one they'd assign to me. it would be interesting to see how other people think of me as a woman, how they feel id fit in some role...

: )

will keep you posted as this new adventure develops.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

J, again

we haven't been together much lately, because of my busy-ness with all my long-overdue and new projects... yet, we still stay connected mainly because J finds a way to fit "us" in comfortably when i can't.

this is a strange new experience for me, for a man not to be jealous of my life, for him to give me my space and time to be and grow and do as i please and as i must, and not to resent it nor be sulkily jealous of it.

oooh, how J doesn't know the beauty and preciousness of what he does for me!

i was driving home absentmindedly this morning, because that's what i reflected on, how strange it was now to not feel anxious nor guilty because i wasn't giving my man the priority time i want to give him for now... how strange it was to know that the axe will not fall somewhere sometime soon, and to know instead that when i go back to J with my full time and attention, he will still be there, still loving me and celebrating me without resentment nor drama.

oh, how freeing, how relaxing, how comforting it is to be loved this way at last!

it only makes me love J even more now.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Oprah's Advice on Men

i just got this as a forwarded email from a woman friend... I feel that the advice isn't for me anymore (i've learned this for my self the hard way, remember? : S) as it is for all the other women out there who are still finding their way, so i'd like to share it here --


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complementary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other women... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.


Amen, and Amen!!!

and Yes-- i forwarded this to my daughter, too.

stay gold, goddesses.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

this lovely moment

the kids are in school and i am alone in the house, but happily chatting with J.
the birds chirp outside, while a cool breeze leads the curtains on a slow gentle dance.
a pressure is building up, from that other part of me which keeps reminding me of the many To Dos i have yet to do...
but i keep it at bay and ignore it.
it is only one little part of me.
the rest of me is relishing this delicious, lovely moment alone.
there will be time enough for To Dos again later, but right now--
Right Now:

this is my bliss.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mindful and Loving Self-Care

knock on wood, i am doing very well in the discipline department of my "reveling in my perfect weight" project, eating less but not at all feeling deprived. : )

mainly i keep repeating to my self my self-invented mantra, especially when im in the shower. i go slower, stroke my self lovingly all over even as i repeat my mantra in my mind. (i even go extra and tenderly talk to my breasts, too-- mmmmm, you are sooo full, healthy and sumptous, youuuuu!!!--to encourage them to grow back to their former voluminous glory before the breastfeeding years!!! heehee...)

then, too, there is the constant asking of my self if im really hungry, do i really need to eat, or am i needing something else, and the reminding of my self that goddesses don't eat their kids' leftovers. : )

so far, my body is responding very well by cooperating. it clearly sees itself as 136 pounds, indeed, and that anything more are being dropped off quickly and effortlessly, so don't ruin it by adding to the anything more... : )

now that i am saying No to quite a number of chances to eat, i am also becoming more aware of just how much kids' leftover food ive been eating last year! and the fact that most times, i eat absentmindedly when i don't really need to eat, because im doing something else instead, or my mind is preoccupied on something.

now, when i eat,it becomes almost like a holy ritual. i pause and pray and give thanks, then i count the tablespoonfuls of rice i put into my plate (only 5, equal to 1 cup), take just what i need with the other dishes, and as i take the food into my mouth, i anticipate it, then take it in slowly, savoring the taste and every chew (sometimes i even close my eyes and smile!)... before i finally swallow. so, even if i take less of what i used to take before, because i am more mindful now, paying attention to the moment and only to the food itself, my pleasure is doubled, even tripled, and i end up feeling satiated in many ways than just a full stomach.

it doesnt feel so much like dieting as just taking good care of my self now, mindfully and lovingly.