Sunday, August 20, 2006

That "L" Word

i never had much trouble with it before, it seems. it always was spoken too soon, too easily, maybe in the haste to bring in intimacy where there was really none.

nowadays, though, with M... i am feeling like an awkward, gawking, bumbling teen-ager again, and i sense he feels the same. : ) it is almost cute, if it wasn't so torturous. : (

he mentions it indirectly... like he says his mom has fallen in love with me and is now counting the days to our marriage.... i mention it indirectly too, like i asked his mom when his exact birthtime was so we could match up our horoscopes and see if we are really soulmates, according to the stars...

then he lets it slip, as if carelessly, somewhere in a long email about everything and nothing at all... i respond back, by letting it slip, as if carelessly too, by saying "Love," instead of "Hugs," in signing my emails... and then... we go back to being friends again.

last friday was really something, though. in our desperate missing of each other, he finally said those three magical words, and i responded back in kind... only for us to be suddenly rendered wordless for 36 hours!

then, shyly, hesitantly again, we venture out of our shells, and pretend to just be on friendly terms again.

why is it, that now, when feelings run so deep they are scary, we are suddenly at a loss for telling each other how we really feel?

and for me at 38, him at 47, both of us writers and speakers, with Gemini (the sign of the communicator) prominent (his Sun, my Ascendant) in our charts!

imagine that.
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