Sunday, May 08, 2005

My Inner Work, My Hard Work

i first took this test on feb. 21, 2004, and retook the test again this year, on feb. 26, 2005.

it is in Rinatta Paries' website on what it takes to have true love in your life, and thus, the test is aptly named as the True Love Magnet Quiz. it lists down 10 key areas one needs to work on to prepare one's self for true love. each area or section has 10 statements (with only Section 2 having 11 statements) and you are asked to mark as honestly as you can which statements are currently true for you. total perfect score is, of course, 101. the statements which are not yet true for you are the statements or areas of your life and growth that you need to work on:

Section 1. Letting Go of the Past: Have You Moved On?*************************************************
I do not often think of my past relationship partners
I hold no anger or resentment toward any of my past partners
I have forgiven each of my past relationship partners
I am not hoping to reconnect with past relationship partners
I am not angry or resentful at the opposite gender
I do not make sweeping statements about how the opposite gender is or isn't
I do not look down at, am not jealous or angry at the same gender
I have forgiven myself for past relationship mistakes and choices
I do not talk to myself badly about what I did in the past
I am grateful for my past relationships — they helped make me who I am today

Section 2. Your Needs: Can You Handle Them on Your Own?******************************************************
I know everyone has needs, including me.
I know I have needs and it is vital for them to be met.
I know that someone I just met can't meet my needs.
I know my key needs.
My top three needs get met everyday, by me.
I know the difference between healthy needs and being needy.
I recognize which situations set me up to feel needy.
I practice great self-care when I feel needy.
I consistently take great care of myself, all the time.
I have a spiritual solution to some of my needs.
I get my needs met by me and friends/family.

Section 3. Strong Boundaries: Can You Maintain Them?**************************************************
I can say "no" when I need to.
It's important for me to have boundaries to protect me.
I know clearly what my boundaries are.
I do not let people cross my boundaries.
I have a way of setting boundaries that does not offend or push people away.
I make sure I am heard when setting my boundaries.
I am being supportive of other people when I set boundaries.
I am the most important person in my life.
I gently but effectively educate people about my boundaries.
I respect and honor others' boundaries.

Section 4. Past Relationship Patterns: Do You Know Yours?****************************************************

I know my relationship patterns.
I know where these patterns came from.
I know the type of partners I tend to attract to play out my patterns.
I know what I used to do to attract this type of person.
I know what I usually do to keep this person in the relationship.
I know what the costs have been of playing out my relationship patterns.
I know what I got out of being in these relationships.
I have discovered what I must have thought about myself to play out my old relationship patterns.
I have discovered what I must have believed about relationships, given the relationships I was in.
I understand and know all of the above so well, I can no longer do any of it (Hurray for you!)

Section 5. New Relationship Patterns: Who is Good for You?*****************************************************

I quickly recognize the types of partners I was attracted to in the past.
I recognize and can dismiss the attraction I feel toward past like-partners.
I recognize available people.
I recognize people on a spiritual path.
I recognize people in the process of growth.
I recognize kind people.
I see people for who they are rather than for who I want them to be.
I am attracted to partners who will be good for me.
I surround myself with people who are good for me.
I have numerous role models of good relationships around me.

Section 6. Right Mate and Relationship: Identifying Needs

I have defined what I need from a partner in order to thrive in a relationship.
I have defined what behaviors/qualities/habits are important to me living day-to-day with a partner.
I have identified five relationship needs to absolutely be met by my partner.
I have defined what I value above all else in a partner — the one quality I must have.
I have defined what I can't live without in a relationship.
I have defined the worst thing(s) a partner could do to me.
I have defined what I absolutely won't tolerate.
I have dropped all demands on another that I don't demand of myself.
I am willing to be in the process of growth with a partner.
I am not willing to settle for a person who does not have the qualities most important to me.

Section 7. Social Life: Is Yours Enough Fun?

I engage only in activities that bring me great pleasure and joy.
I no longer engage in activities to meet a partner.
I participate for the sake of fun.
I am being me at all times in all situations.
I never use sexuality, power, or money to attract partners — I let them be attracted to all of me.
I don't expect everyone to be attracted to me.
I no longer require attention from everyone.
I don't compare myself to others.
I readily participate in activities rather than sitting at home.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends.
I am building a healthy, vibrant, loving community.

Section 8. Your Life: How Meaningful Is It?

I have dreams and goals for my life, with or without a partner.
I am working on achieving some of my life dreams and goals.
I am living my life to the fullest.
I know what work makes my soul sing and I am doing it or working on creating it.
I know what my life purpose is or I am working on figuring it out.
I know what I contribute to others or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how I want to spend my life or I am working on figuring it out.
I know where and how I want to live or I am working on figuring it out.
I know the legacy I want to leave behind or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how to give my life purpose whether or not I am in a relationship.

Section 9. Spirituality: Is Yours Strong Enough to Sustain You?*******************************************************

I have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I have my own spiritual practice.
I take some time for silence and/or meditation every day.
I am in touch with my intuition.
I can distinguish intuition from other thoughts and feelings.
I can trust my intuition.
I know when to take steps and when to wait things out.
I am not in a rush to be in a relationship — I have time.
I know I will attract the right partner into my life at the right time.
I am truly happy and living a full life.

Section 10. New Dating Patterns: How to Build a Relationship
Woman: I allow men to pursue me; Man: I am comfortable initiating a relationship.
I don't do provocative flirting early in a relationship.
I do not get intimate until I am in a committed relationship.
I get to know the person slowly and initially limit time together.
I spend much more time courting in person that I do by phone or email.
I am myself in the dating process, I don't pretend to be better than I am ordinarily.
I am clear about how I want and don't want to be treated and I communicate this info.
I do not test my partner — if I am wondering about something, I ask.
I am in a relationship without hope of changing/improving my partner.
Instead of feeling anxious or stressed about where the relationship is going, I have fun.

when i first took the test, my score was 75, which was the minimum score for being "ready for true love". still, the test was an eye-opener for me about certain areas of my life that have been blocking me, as well as certain aspects of my self which should be outgrown.

in the first half of the year, i mainly worked on forgiving the ex and the past and letting go and moving on, which was the hardest struggle, especially when you feel you have every right to hold on to your justified hurts. the other early struggle for me was learning to set and respect my own boundaries, as i had problems before of saying "no" to people, especially those i loved. interestingly, during this phase, i had the meanest skirmishes with the ex, as well as i met new people in my life who were very domineering and manipulative although they were also very attractive and compelling. just when i decided on what the lessons i needed to learn were, i meet the people and circumstances that forced me to learn and immediately apply those lessons fast! the C-Theory again, at work huh... : )

the next challenge for me was learning how to handle my own needs and take care of my self, and not expect any specific person to do those for me. so i learned to "nurture my own garden, nourish my own soul" in the many special and self-pleasuring ways that had meaning for me. this also included rebuilding and nurturing relationships with my family (whom ive been estranged from when i married the ex against their wishes) and friends, and expanding my joys and building a social life of my own, as a solo person going to concerts and museums and parties and enjoying my self at the same time. a happy consequence of this lesson is i found i had more strength, less resentment, more joy and love to give, and people invariably gravitated to me for friendship, fun and comfort. it's a good thing that by this time, i had already learned the basics of setting and protecting my boundaries, so i wasn't torn willy-nilly by any and all who sought my friendship and company.

right now, though, i find that i am still struggling with the lessons right smack in the middle of the test-- being more conscious of past relationship patterns and growing towards healthier ways of relating, particularly in terms of lessening my attraction for the types who used to (and still do) hold power over me: the charming, sweet-talking types who become emotionally aloof when the relationship becomes more intimate in just more ways than the physical. in other words, learning how to grow towards becoming more attracted to the more available ones in the fullest sense of the word, the ones who are honest and kind and good and open and willing to do the work of loving and being loved.

the other major challenge, for me, i guess, is on forming new dating patterns, especially in terms of not getting physically intimate too soon. i've always had a passionate nature, and when i find one i want--whether it be a book, food, a piece of clothing, or a lover-- i go for it, to hell with the rest. now i am reconsidering that, seriously thinking that maybe i should "calibrate" my passion in that department, and learn to wait for the right timing. because i have been finding out, to my chagrin, the experiences described of Angela in the blog below... : ( (blush, blush!!! )

i am clearer about who i am and what i want and the kind of partner i want to have now, so it is not such a struggle for me anymore. thankfully, even in that first test i took, i scored perfectly in Sections 8 (life's meaningfulness) and 9 (spirituality), which i think have been the major strong foundations of my life, despite my confusion and struggles in other areas.

the last time i took the test in february this year, i scored 95, twenty points more than last year. with all the work i have been doing, those are hard-earned and well-deserved twenty precious points indeed!!!


i hope and pray, though, that i get to my True Love soon.

i want something real now.
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