Something Good

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me,
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Life and Love 101

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."

what more can I say? that line from Moulin Rouge says it all.

: ) : ) : )

well... there's that other beautiful line i memorized from The Notebook, too:

"The best kind of love is the kind that satisfies the soul."

: ) : ) : )

Stray Finds Home

... that's how im feeling these days, belonging to someone's heart at last, someone who openly welcomes me and knows me--mind, heart and soul-- and celebrates me just for being who i am...

and strangely... i don't feel the need to go on my little "adventures" anymore, to keep proving to my self how good and desirable i am, even if only for temporary joys. now that i am in the presence of something that feels eternal... i feel both awed and humbled, and i feel like wanting to always be on my best behavior, to not do anything to tarnish or spoil it, as much as i can.

... so this is home, huh.

Kahlil Gibran's Advice

And think not you can direct the course of love, for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs you in its Path.

My Inner Work, My Hard Work

i first took this test on feb. 21, 2004, and retook the test again this year, on feb. 26, 2005.

it is in Rinatta Paries' website on what it takes to have true love in your life, and thus, the test is aptly named as the True Love Magnet Quiz. it lists down 10 key areas one needs to work on to prepare one's self for true love. each area or section has 10 statements (with only Section 2 having 11 statements) and you are asked to mark as honestly as you can which statements are currently true for you. total perfect score is, of course, 101. the statements which are not yet true for you are the statements or areas of your life and growth that you need to work on:

*************************************************
Section 1. Letting Go of the Past: Have You Moved On?*************************************************
I do not often think of my past relationship partners
I hold no anger or resentment toward any of my past partners
I have forgiven each of my past relationship partners
I am not hoping to reconnect with past relationship partners
I am not angry or resentful at the opposite gender
I do not make sweeping statements about how the opposite gender is or isn't
I do not look down at, am not jealous or angry at the same gender
I have forgiven myself for past relationship mistakes and choices
I do not talk to myself badly about what I did in the past
I am grateful for my past relationships — they helped make me who I am today

******************************************************
Section 2. Your Needs: Can You Handle Them on Your Own?******************************************************
I know everyone has needs, including me.
I know I have needs and it is vital for them to be met.
I know that someone I just met can't meet my needs.
I know my key needs.
My top three needs get met everyday, by me.
I know the difference between healthy needs and being needy.
I recognize which situations set me up to feel needy.
I practice great self-care when I feel needy.
I consistently take great care of myself, all the time.
I have a spiritual solution to some of my needs.
I get my needs met by me and friends/family.

**************************************************
Section 3. Strong Boundaries: Can You Maintain Them?**************************************************
I can say "no" when I need to.
It's important for me to have boundaries to protect me.
I know clearly what my boundaries are.
I do not let people cross my boundaries.
I have a way of setting boundaries that does not offend or push people away.
I make sure I am heard when setting my boundaries.
I am being supportive of other people when I set boundaries.
I am the most important person in my life.
I gently but effectively educate people about my boundaries.
I respect and honor others' boundaries.

****************************************************
Section 4. Past Relationship Patterns: Do You Know Yours?****************************************************

I know my relationship patterns.
I know where these patterns came from.
I know the type of partners I tend to attract to play out my patterns.
I know what I used to do to attract this type of person.
I know what I usually do to keep this person in the relationship.
I know what the costs have been of playing out my relationship patterns.
I know what I got out of being in these relationships.
I have discovered what I must have thought about myself to play out my old relationship patterns.
I have discovered what I must have believed about relationships, given the relationships I was in.
I understand and know all of the above so well, I can no longer do any of it (Hurray for you!)

*****************************************************
Section 5. New Relationship Patterns: Who is Good for You?*****************************************************

I quickly recognize the types of partners I was attracted to in the past.
I recognize and can dismiss the attraction I feel toward past like-partners.
I recognize available people.
I recognize people on a spiritual path.
I recognize people in the process of growth.
I recognize kind people.
I see people for who they are rather than for who I want them to be.
I am attracted to partners who will be good for me.
I surround myself with people who are good for me.
I have numerous role models of good relationships around me.

***************************************************
Section 6. Right Mate and Relationship: Identifying Needs
***************************************************

I have defined what I need from a partner in order to thrive in a relationship.
I have defined what behaviors/qualities/habits are important to me living day-to-day with a partner.
I have identified five relationship needs to absolutely be met by my partner.
I have defined what I value above all else in a partner — the one quality I must have.
I have defined what I can't live without in a relationship.
I have defined the worst thing(s) a partner could do to me.
I have defined what I absolutely won't tolerate.
I have dropped all demands on another that I don't demand of myself.
I am willing to be in the process of growth with a partner.
I am not willing to settle for a person who does not have the qualities most important to me.

******************************************
Section 7. Social Life: Is Yours Enough Fun?
******************************************

I engage only in activities that bring me great pleasure and joy.
I no longer engage in activities to meet a partner.
I participate for the sake of fun.
I am being me at all times in all situations.
I never use sexuality, power, or money to attract partners — I let them be attracted to all of me.
I don't expect everyone to be attracted to me.
I no longer require attention from everyone.
I don't compare myself to others.
I readily participate in activities rather than sitting at home.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends.
I am building a healthy, vibrant, loving community.

******************************************
Section 8. Your Life: How Meaningful Is It?
******************************************

I have dreams and goals for my life, with or without a partner.
I am working on achieving some of my life dreams and goals.
I am living my life to the fullest.
I know what work makes my soul sing and I am doing it or working on creating it.
I know what my life purpose is or I am working on figuring it out.
I know what I contribute to others or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how I want to spend my life or I am working on figuring it out.
I know where and how I want to live or I am working on figuring it out.
I know the legacy I want to leave behind or I am working on figuring it out.
I know how to give my life purpose whether or not I am in a relationship.

*******************************************************
Section 9. Spirituality: Is Yours Strong Enough to Sustain You?*******************************************************

I have a relationship with my Higher Power.
I have my own spiritual practice.
I take some time for silence and/or meditation every day.
I am in touch with my intuition.
I can distinguish intuition from other thoughts and feelings.
I can trust my intuition.
I know when to take steps and when to wait things out.
I am not in a rush to be in a relationship — I have time.
I know I will attract the right partner into my life at the right time.
I am truly happy and living a full life.

******************************************************
Section 10. New Dating Patterns: How to Build a Relationship
******************************************************
Woman: I allow men to pursue me; Man: I am comfortable initiating a relationship.
I don't do provocative flirting early in a relationship.
I do not get intimate until I am in a committed relationship.
I get to know the person slowly and initially limit time together.
I spend much more time courting in person that I do by phone or email.
I am myself in the dating process, I don't pretend to be better than I am ordinarily.
I am clear about how I want and don't want to be treated and I communicate this info.
I do not test my partner — if I am wondering about something, I ask.
I am in a relationship without hope of changing/improving my partner.
Instead of feeling anxious or stressed about where the relationship is going, I have fun.

when i first took the test, my score was 75, which was the minimum score for being "ready for true love". still, the test was an eye-opener for me about certain areas of my life that have been blocking me, as well as certain aspects of my self which should be outgrown.

in the first half of the year, i mainly worked on forgiving the ex and the past and letting go and moving on, which was the hardest struggle, especially when you feel you have every right to hold on to your justified hurts. the other early struggle for me was learning to set and respect my own boundaries, as i had problems before of saying "no" to people, especially those i loved. interestingly, during this phase, i had the meanest skirmishes with the ex, as well as i met new people in my life who were very domineering and manipulative although they were also very attractive and compelling. just when i decided on what the lessons i needed to learn were, i meet the people and circumstances that forced me to learn and immediately apply those lessons fast! the C-Theory again, at work huh... : )

the next challenge for me was learning how to handle my own needs and take care of my self, and not expect any specific person to do those for me. so i learned to "nurture my own garden, nourish my own soul" in the many special and self-pleasuring ways that had meaning for me. this also included rebuilding and nurturing relationships with my family (whom ive been estranged from when i married the ex against their wishes) and friends, and expanding my joys and building a social life of my own, as a solo person going to concerts and museums and parties and enjoying my self at the same time. a happy consequence of this lesson is i found i had more strength, less resentment, more joy and love to give, and people invariably gravitated to me for friendship, fun and comfort. it's a good thing that by this time, i had already learned the basics of setting and protecting my boundaries, so i wasn't torn willy-nilly by any and all who sought my friendship and company.

right now, though, i find that i am still struggling with the lessons right smack in the middle of the test-- being more conscious of past relationship patterns and growing towards healthier ways of relating, particularly in terms of lessening my attraction for the types who used to (and still do) hold power over me: the charming, sweet-talking types who become emotionally aloof when the relationship becomes more intimate in just more ways than the physical. in other words, learning how to grow towards becoming more attracted to the more available ones in the fullest sense of the word, the ones who are honest and kind and good and open and willing to do the work of loving and being loved.

the other major challenge, for me, i guess, is on forming new dating patterns, especially in terms of not getting physically intimate too soon. i've always had a passionate nature, and when i find one i want--whether it be a book, food, a piece of clothing, or a lover-- i go for it, to hell with the rest. now i am reconsidering that, seriously thinking that maybe i should "calibrate" my passion in that department, and learn to wait for the right timing. because i have been finding out, to my chagrin, the experiences described of Angela in the blog below... : ( (blush, blush!!! )

i am clearer about who i am and what i want and the kind of partner i want to have now, so it is not such a struggle for me anymore. thankfully, even in that first test i took, i scored perfectly in Sections 8 (life's meaningfulness) and 9 (spirituality), which i think have been the major strong foundations of my life, despite my confusion and struggles in other areas.

the last time i took the test in february this year, i scored 95, twenty points more than last year. with all the work i have been doing, those are hard-earned and well-deserved twenty precious points indeed!!!

*****

i hope and pray, though, that i get to my True Love soon.

i want something real now.

What It Takes

from another subscription newsletter email sent to me March 19, 2004 yet, but which i kept in my email folders and am reviewing again now:

Most people think once they meet the right partner they will automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right tools for the job.

Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn'tyet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms. Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps she hasn't even given any thought to what he should do. He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared. She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.

Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling --coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the long-term partnership he desires.

Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman. Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost from the start. Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her, and ask her out, often. But they don't stick around to be in a relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now she really wants a long-term relationship. Unfortunately she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before. She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the wrong tools for the job.

She doesn't realize a long-term relationship must be built on a different foundation than a short-term romance. I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how manyof these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts.

* Build a friendship

* Go slowly

* Wait to be physically intimate until all what's below is done

* Find out if the person you are with is compatible with you in the following ways:
- emotionally
- intellectually
- physically - you are both attracted to each other

* Find out whether the person wants the same type of relationship future as you want:
fling/see what happens/long term relationship/marriage with kids/no kids if you both want a marriage in your future

*Compare communication styles to see if they are complimentary and compatible

* Make sure your values, belief systems and lifestyle mesh with each other

* Have many long conversations about how you both envision your ideal relationship and work out a model or vision that fits both of you

* Work on and grow yourselves and each other emotionally and in your capacity to be close and to love

* Fall in love and live happily ever after

cRinatta Paries, WhatItTakes.com

Amen!

'just got this from a subscription newsletter email today:

What Do Men Think?

In celebration of Single Mother's Month, Yahoo! Personals polled our single men to find out why single moms make great dates, better potential mates, and are super sexy! Here, Raymond, David, Morgan, Deshae, Will and Ed provide their top reasons to date a single mom:

Top 10 Reasons for Dating a Single Mom, According to Yahoo! Personals Men:

1. You already know they're strong because they have to handle the responsibilities of single parenthood.

2. There is nothing like a Mother. She is a woman that is responsible and focused on life. She knows what she wants out of life and will not sacrifice the happiness of her child for just any man. So, if she decides to date you, feel lucky.

3. Single moms know what they are looking for and are independent. Any man or woman can appreciate dating someone who has confidence in themselves. Face it, great moms are sexy!

4. A single mom isn't just filling time dating — she's had to make a choice to do something for herself while fulfilling the full-time responsibility of being a mom. For a man seeking a real and lasting relationship, this is ideal.

5. They appreciate quality not quantity of time. It isn't always an option to see someone everyday, so making sure the time together is of value is important.

6. Single moms are more open to long-term relationships. For single dads that are also looking for a romantic relationship, it is ideal to date someone with the same end goals.

7. They're done being a "party girl" and tend to be more selective and thoughtful in their approach to dating. With single moms, we know our romantic relationship is valued and not just part of a series of meaningless dates or something that stems from the fear of being alone.

8. You get to see how they relate to their children and how they relate to people they love. And for single dads looking for their own "play date," this also provides insight on how she might interact with our kids and her attitude about important life issues.

9. Single moms enjoy their time out more and can appreciate a simpler evening of just spending time together. People with a fun, positive attitude and outlook are always more fun to date.

10. They realize what it costs to raise a family — and don't require flashy dates. They are impressed more by substance than a big price tag both in dating and in life.*

An extra bonus of dating a single mom — they make great Mac-n-Cheese!

*****

don't count on me for the Mac-n-Cheese though. i have yet to learn how to cook! but i have been told im a fast learner, especially with a really good teacher... heeheehee.

advance happy Mothers' Day to all mothers everywhere!!!

: )

Applying the C-Theory to Love

before anything else, let me make two things clear:

1. this is not a kiss-and-tell blog;
2. i don't have as many boyfriends or lovers that people who read my blogs seem to get an impression of.

when i start really liking a person and becoming very attracted to him, and even he to me-- that doesn't make him my bf, at least not in my vocabulary.

he is still just a friend, although a friend who has become special. a bf, for me, is somebody really serious--somebody im not only mutually in love with, but also somebody i have an expressed understanding to be mutually exclusive with and somebody i make plans with about a near future, at least.

so okay? this is just a blog about people who have touched my heart. the few people i have become really really intimate with in more ways, are less than the five pretty fingers of one of my pair of lovely hands!

that being made clear, here goes my application of The C-Theory to my search for true love... :)

*****

1. Ask and you shall receive - Express your desire.

after the ex-- who was the only one till after i left the marriage--all i knew was next time, i wanted something True. and true, for me, then, meant something close to what i didn't get in the marriage-- loving attention, respect, somebody listening to and engaging my heart and my mind, and appreciating who i am as a person and as a woman.

but i see now, that in the past 3 years, i have mostly been engaged in Step Two.

2. Seek, and you shall find. - Educate your self on what you really desire.

oh, how the people who have touched my heart since then-- although they were not the True Love i thought i desired (or are maybe still on their way to becoming my True Love) --gave me such a rich and thorough education!!!

mainly, from being with them for a brief time, i learned more and more about what i didn't want too, another way of teaching me to refine and redefine for my self further what i truly wanted--

(original post for this part deleted; im sorry some people were hurt...)

... and so on, and so forth...

so, in a way, my list has been further refined. in addition to my initial list, he must also be:

1. mature and self-responsible
2. positive about life
3. emotionally and geographically and physically and legally available : )

-- but basically, somebody with a good mind, a good heart and a fine spirit, somebody kind and honest and loving, and who loves me fully as much as i will love him and who wants to share all and the rest of his life with me as much as i want to share mine with him!

whew!

3. knock, and the door shall be opened. - i feel i will come to this part soon. i hope i will come to this part soon.

but maybe, my preparation is not finished yet.

for sure, my education is not over yet.

sigh...!!!

Old Dreams, New Dreams

i was at the mall yesterday, having two butterfly biz documents printed at one of the computer shops there, as i ran out of printer ink and paper at home. while standing by their counter waiting for my documents to be printed, my elbow nudged a laminated tabletop ad for a beach and dive resort right here in our island, Negros, and that caught my attention.

i've always known we don't have particularly striking beaches near where i live but i've heard of good private beach and dive spots farther out in the island, although i didn't know of any particular place.

ever since i was 17 or so, when id watch my older boy cousin and his buddies from Cebu, stop over Bacolod and stay with us for a night or two, on their way to Boracay and other dive spots in the Visayas, and listen to them share excited stories of these underwater life that they saw, my secret dream to learn scuba diving someday was born.

but my life was not my own then. my father was too strict, didn't approve of going off on trips just for pleasure's sakes. besides, the sport is pretty expensive.

yet since the New Year, when i decided that this year is going to be my Year of Pleasures, going after what i loved and just seeing where following my joy takes me, that dream has been insistently resurrecting itself.

is it serendipity that soon after i made that decision and thought about my dream again, i met a new friend who taught scuba diving for a living? and then, later on, that i went on a number of trips which eventually took me to really wonderful beaches with nearby dive spots (Boracay, Tagaytay, Camiguin)?

it's almost as if my dream is beckoning to me more forcefully now, and this recent accidental discovery of this new yet uncommercialized beach and dive resort, right here in my own island, seems to be telling me i can't say no and hold it off any longer now. surfing their website further, i fell in love with the very scenic and virtually virgin-looking nature spots there, the colorful variety of underwater life, and even the many wrecks they listed in their site. someday, when im a good enough diver, id like to go on their Adventure Safari two-week trip, visiting a lot of lesser known caves and dive spots in little islands around the area.

so in my excitement, i signed their guestbook and emailed them for more information. an old dream has been resurrected, another thing to work hard for and to look forward to. i intend to be taking the kids with me there any time within this year. i figured i'd share more happy adventures with the kids again, doing and learning things together, carving out lifetime memories along the way.

do what you love, the money will follow... why does that title of a book suddenly come to mind? : )

*****

the other dream is a new dream, brought about by my growing discoveries of the joy of my own freedom and womanhood and womanly powers.

around March, i saw this ad for belly dancing lessons at that same mall, too, and Thea and i planned to enrol in one this summer. but, alas, life happened and got in the way of that dream, so i've postponed it until about July, when the busy-ness of my life usually settles down to a quiet manageable level.

i just think it's a graceful and sexy way to lose some unwanted little belly and hip fat, and now that i think of my scuba diving dream, a wonderful way for me to really flatten and firm up that area there so i could wear those teeny weeny bikinis at last! : )

it's magical how one dream ties into another so perfectly and i sense a pattern, a logic here that's leading me to more wonderful things!

i never knew life could be this fresh and exciting and so new, all over again, at 37!!!