Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Survey

a friend and colleague of mine is doing a study on single parent teachers in the university and how best they can be helped by the administration in their needs. she asked me to be one of the respondents.

one of the questions asked about how im feeling right now with my life. I answered: empowered, joyful, excited about life's possibilities, overworked but fulfilled.

another question asked me to write my top three needs, how they can be addressed, and by whom. i could only think of two:

1. Added income to take care of my growing children's needs;
- addressed through taking on extra freelance writing, research and lecturing projects, as well as part-time businesses like my mom's business;
- addressed by God, self and other people's good will and referral to other clients

2. Sex : )
- addressed through self-help, until the opportunity for a good, healthy and loving relationship with another comes up;
- addressed by God, self, and a good man with a good mind and a good heart who knows how to treat a woman right

my friend laughed at my answers. she half-believed i was serious. "Is this all? This is all you need?"

i thought about it for a split-second, and said, "yeah. that's basically it."

and she said, "you don't need a good man's true and lasting loving?"

i just smiled and said nothing.

but her last question haunted me all throughout the day.

of course i do. why didn't i answer that?

maybe not now. not the lifetime-lasting one, at least. maybe im not ready. my life is just opening up and showing me all sorts of possibilities, and right now, i want to explore all without tying myself down to one option.

maybe so.

or, maybe that's just my brain answering for me.

when i look deeper, i am quite disturbed by my heart's answer:

maybe, deep down... i don't believe it's even possible anymore; something not even God can do anything about.

***

hmmm...

this is a striking piece of self-revelation to me.

hmmm. : (

it's interesting how the truth of my life and needs can be instantly summarized by my short bulleted answers to a one-page survey.
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